From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
BillyFact: Illinois Gay Marriage Edition
History will be made today in the Land of Lincoln when Illinois Governor Pat Quinn signs into law a bill allowing same-sex couples to get married. To help separate fact from fiction, here's a helpful guide you can slice off of your monitor with a penknife and keep handy in your wallet for present and future reference.
Claim: Before the ink is dry, waves of locusts will swarm the entire state and make life a living hell.
BillyFact Rates This Claim: False. Locusts always wait until after the ink is dry. Then you're screwed.
Claim: Gay couples can't get married immediately after the law is signed.
BillyFact Rates This Claim: True. The law actually takes effect next June for a very good reason: Because.
True!!!
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Claim: There's no way to prevent the sky from falling when the law takes effect.
BillyFact Rates This Claim: False. An elaborate system of hydraulics (with backups) will keep this from happening, and each unit is controlled separately to prevent systemic failure. Some sections of the sky may sag during scheduled maintenance, but this is temporary and such work will only be done at night.
Claim: The National Organization for Marriage (NOM) is fully prepared to flood the state with millions of dollars to get the law repealed and restore heterosexual values to Illinois.
BillyFact Rates This Claim: False. Their latest tax returns show that NOM is nearly 3 million dollars in the red. They can't even bring heterosexual values to a cup of coffee anymore.
Claim: It's okay to laugh at the incompetence and disarray at NOM.
BillyFact Rates This Claim: True.
Claim: Gay marriage means kissing, and kissing increases the risk of cooties.
BillyFact Rates This Claim: True. But cooties vaccinations are now covered under the Affordable Care Act. Details at healthcare.gov/cooties.
Claim: Catholic Bishop Thomas Paprocki is going to spend today conducting an exorcism that will cleanse the state of "evil" homosexual demons.
BillyFact Rates This Claim: False. Catholic Bishop Thomas Paprocki is going to spend today being a whiny 12th-century asshole.
We hope this helps clear up some of the confusion. Congratulations, Illinois. Welcome to the future.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Note: This morning I cooked up four strips of turkey bacon for breakfast. It would've been five but I pardoned one of them.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the end of Atlantic hurricane season: 10!!!
Days 'til the Christmas Prelude tree lighting in Kennebunkport, Maine: 16
Rank of Kennebunkport on HGTV's list of best Christmas towns in America: #2
Percent change in the portion of uninsured young adults in Massachusetts since Romneycare took effect: -67%
(Source: Harper's Index)
Expected number of calls to the national suicide prevention hotline this year: 1.2 million
(Source: Time)
The last time tornadoes the size of the ones that touched down over the weekend reached that far north in November: 1911
(Source: NBC News)
Average number of mashed-potato servings people get from a 5-pound bag of potatoes, versus 5 at our house: 12
(Source: AP)
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 185 (including 3 tribulation temples and the worst exorcist in the world). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Some days finding the puppy pic of the day is way too easy…
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Remember: REAL Americans
donate lots of fudge for freedom!
CHEERS to shopping experiences that don’t involve getting trampled at the door. The holiday helpers at Netroots Nation have announced their
5th annual holiday bazaar online auction. It starts December 5th, and right now they're putting out the call for items to put on the block. Things lik Handmade crafts, foodies, ornaments, pinables and wearables, collectibles, toys (my specialty), housewares, stuff from Hammacher Schlemmer…and don’t forget that pets love bidding on stuff, too. To upload info about your donation,
go to the auction web site for instructions. If you have any questions, e-mail Karen Kolber at
karen[at]netrootsnation.org. Proceeds help defray the cost of putting on the Netroots Nation convention (Detroit, July 17-20) and its regional events. C&J will be donating some valuable and highly-useful items. I'll let you know what they are as soon as I figure out the combination to my neighbor's garage door opener.
CHEERS to the ebbing panic. This week a friend (yes, I have one, as long as the checks keep clearing) suggested that the abysmal start to the ACA rollout might've had a silver lining to it in that it got our complacent, glazed-over eyeballs to focus on the damn thing and how it works. And now that we all know its deficiencies, every improvement will be noted and amplified. Ain't that right, Booman…
Up yours, Republicans. The
site is getting fixed...and fast.
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Where the websites work, ObamaCare is doing just fine, which should tell you everything you need to know. It's tiresome to read all these stories about what a problem ObamaCare is, but this is a transient issue that will do no good to the Republicans going forward. They oppose the law so vociferously, precisely because they know that it will be politically impossible to gain any benefit from opposing subsidies that make health insurance affordable for millions of Americans. They are throwing everything they have at the law now in a desperate attempt to stop it, and it is working politically for them. Unfortunately for them, the elections are almost a year in the future. And they are hopelessly divided on every other political issue that is current in the country.
For all the sound and fury, we are still in "please proceed" mode.
And the GOP is still nothing but binders full of endangered species.
CHEERS to a Massachusetts Yankee in Emperor Akihito's Court. We interrupt this month's 24/7 coverage of the 50th anniversary of JFK's assassination (really, it is getting to be---brace yourself because I'm gonna say the word---overkill) to bring you a pleasant update about a Kennedy that doesn't mention the Zapruder film or the grassy knoll:
Thousands of well-wishers lined the streets of Tokyo to catch a glimpse of Caroline Kennedy on Tuesday as the new U.S. Ambassador to Japan traveled by horse-drawn carriage to meet the emperor at the Imperial Palace. Kennedy, who arrived in Tokyo last week to take up the post, presented her credentials to Emperor Akihito in a formal court ceremony at the palace.
She later tweeted:
You can follow Ambassador Kennedy (doesn't that phrase echo sweetly off the eardrums) on twitter here, and via the official ambassador's web site here. I think she'll be great, and I have to wonder if the way she's immersing herself in the culture means she's turning Japanese. I think she's turning Japanese. I really think so.
CHEERS to the scrapper from Scranton. Happy Birthday (and many blessings on your camels) to America's 47th Vice President of the United States, Joe Biden, whose way with words---intentional and otherwise---is a joy to behold:
"Where to, birthday boy?"
"Denny's."
"Why Denny's?
"71 percent discount, man."
"I should start with an apology to Rudy Giuliani. I said every sentence Rudy utters has a noun, a verb, and 9/11 in it. I was wrong. He called me to tell me after Pat Robertson's endorsement, there's an Amen in every sentence he says too."
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"A man I'm proud to call my friend. A man who will be the next President of the United States---Barack America!"
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[To Paul Ryan at 2012 debate] "With all due respect, that's a bunch of malarky."
"If your kitchen table is like mine, you sit there at night before you put the kids to bed and you talk about what you need. You talk about how much you are worried about being able to pay the bills. Ladies and gentlemen, that is not a worry John McCain has to worry about. It's a pretty hard experience. He'll have to figure out which of the seven kitchen tables to sit at."
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“Don't tell me what you value---show me your budget and I'll tell you what you value.”
Good ol' Joe turns 71 today---and that's no malarkey. But it is a Big Fucking Deal.
JEERS to surprise attacks. When Herman Melville penned his epic Moby-Dick, he based it partly on an event that happened on this date in 1820 off the coast of South America. The Nantucket-based whaling ship Essex was rammed by the head of an 80-ton sperm whale. Survivors said they never saw it coming.
No wonder the new Mars
probe was so eager to leave.
CHEERS to today's international roundup. This is Bill in Portland Maine at the local desk and let's toss it over to my colleague Bill in Portland Maine at the international desk. Thanks, Bill. In the Philippines, thinks are pretty shitty. Syria remains shitty, as do Saudi Arabia, Greece and the now apocalyptic, battle-scarred wasteland known as Rob Ford's Toronto. Germany's doing okay. Britain is having a bit of trouble drowning their economy in the bathtub. Fukushima? Shitty. Russia? Shitty. North Korea? Shitty shit shit. France is…France. South America has too many people running around topless. Australia is traveling in a fried-out Kombi. And Iceland is running on all geothermal cylinders and shaking their heads as they watch the rest of us circle the drain. Back to you, Bill. Thanks Bill. We'll be right back with Bill in Portland Maine at the sports desk after this pause to sell you sex pills, happy focus-group-tested PR messages from Big Oil, and a gizmo that has no practical function but call now and you'll get two for only ten bucks!
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Five years ago in C&J: November 20, 2008
CHEERS to Dr. Tom's Magic Medicine Show. Former Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle has accepted his nomination as Secretary of Health and Human Services in the Obama administration. Among other things (like the National Gout Eradication Task Force), he'll be in charge of Medicare, Medicaid, Kool-Aid, Band-Aids, Hearing aids, marital aids (wink wink) and the FDA. He seems to be a capable feller to me. But I'll reserve judgment until I see the results of his pre-screening questionnaire and colonoscopy. [11/20/13 Update: Daschle quickly bailed when discrepancies in his taxes were discovered. Funny how that kind of thing never seems to derail Republicans.]
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And just one more…
CHEERS to ringin' them holiday bells. I don't know what the advertising team working on behalf of Kmart is smoking, but I think I'd like to take a puff or two:
Cue the family-values crowd freakout in 3… [Inserts earplugs] 2… [Stands behind fire-proof blast shield] 1… ka-BOOM.
Have a Wednesday that slices your week cleanly down the middle and comes with ice cream on the side. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Sen. Elizabeth Warren Calls For Expanding Cheers and Jeers
---Think Progress
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