From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
[Blinky Light!] BREAKING: Ellen Wins War on Christmas
Caution: viewer discretion advised. It gets pretty ugly:
Sarah Palin and a contingent from Fox News will sign the terms of surrender from the deck of the battleship U.S.S. Happy Holidays. Cue the confetti cannons.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, November 21, 2013
Note: Due to the sequester, federal judges now have to share a gavel. To prevent slowdowns, the judge who has it will bang it as necessary for all the other judges via Skype. Congress does not regret the inconvenience. ---Mgt.
Days 'til The Hobbit, Part II---Hobbit Harder: 22
Days 'til the SLO Bacon Fest in San Luis Obispo, California: 2
Percent chance that a person age 24-34 could end up with a medical bill of at least $13,000: 10%
(Source: The New York Times)
Number of people President Obama has pardoned so far: 39
Number of turkeys he's pardoned: 8
(Source: Harper's Index)
The last time a former Secretary of State was elected president: 1856 (Buchanan)
Percent chance that tea partiers are outraged that President Obama read the Gettysburg Address out loud without including the words "Ronald Reagan": 100%
Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Since the political world ranges from poor to icky these days, you may think we are gratitudinally challenged this Thanksgiving. But a mere soupcon of sunny optimism goes a long way toward getting us to dwell on how lucky we are. We are abundantly blessed with lemons. Let us make lemonade. […]-
I am…grateful that Vice President Dick Cheney---that little ray of sunshine, that bouncing ball of light and happiness spreading joy where'er he goes---is so well prepared for a brilliant second career. He's perfect to play the heavy in films. Not since Jimmy Cagney was a gangster have we seen a sneer like that. In the remake of "Jaws," Cheney can play the shark.
Puppy Pic of the Day: Down they go…
Slugger Ernie Banks, newsman Ben Bradlee, POTUS #42 Bill Clinton, Sen. Daniel Inouye (D-HI, posthumous), psychologist Daniel Kahneman, former Sen. Richard Lugar (R-IN), Loretta Lynn, environmental scientist Mario Molina, astronaut Sally Ride (posthumous), civil rights pioneer Bayard Rustin (posthumous), jazz musician Arturo Sandoval, Coach Dean Smith, Gloria Steinem, minister and civil rights activist Cordy Tindell “C.T.” Vivian, Judge Patricia Wald, and Oprah Winfrey.Each honoree gets the medal, a ribbon, a tie clip, and command of their own infantry division. Congratulations, by the way, to Lugar, who later won the Oval Office game of Duck, Duck, Goose. Figures---I put all my money on Oprah.
JEERS to Scrooge's golden arches. I worked a couple summers---'84 and '85---at McDonald's down the road in Saco, Maine. Back then it was a kid's gig. They'd practically start showing you the first training video before the ink was dry on your job application. For most of us it was an easy (if greasy) way to earn some cash for college or a car or just spending money. But today, given the dynamics of the 1-Percent economy, people of all ages climb over each other to secure a meager paycheck from Mickey D's. Factoring in inflation, they're earning shittier wages than I did, and now the Galtian overlord is adding insult to injury by offering condescending tips for their poverty-line workers so they'll be able to keep their heads above water enough to make it just barely worth getting out of bed in the morning:
devoted McDonald's customers.
McDonald’s McResource Line, a dedicated website run by the world’s largest fast-food chain to provide its 1.8 million employees with financial and health-related tips, offers a full page of advice for “Digging Out From Holiday Debt.” Among their helpful holiday tips: “Selling some of your unwanted possessions on eBay or Craigslist could bring in some quick cash.”And if those brilliant tips don't work, McDonald's has one more suggestion for their employees: go and secretly raid the bins where Walmart employees are donating canned goods for other Walmart employees. Remember: it's only immoral if you get caught.
Elsewhere on the site, McDonald’s encourages its employees to break apart food when they eat meals, as “breaking food into pieces often results in eating less and still feeling full.” … [T]heir website has another piece of advice for people who are stressed about their meager paychecks: “Quit complaining,” the site suggests.
was an amphibious vehicle.
CHEERS to a signature of some importance. Yesterday Illinois Governor Pat Quinn signed a bill into law that grants gay couples full marriage rights. To put it in perspective, a little over 40 percent of the nation's population now lives in one of the 16---sixteen!---states that celebrate marriage equality:
was out in force.
To underscore the fight for equality, Quinn signed the bill on a desk used by Abraham Lincoln while writing an inaugural address.The law isn't going into effect right away. Marriages won’t actually start until June of 2014. They figure that's the earliest that folks in the wedding industry will be done turning cartwheels.
“President Abraham Lincoln of Illinois said our nation was conceived in liberty, and he said it’s dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal,” Quinn said. “And that’s really what we’re celebrating today, it’s a triumph of Democracy, a triumph of government of the people — that we believe in liberty and equality, and we’re making sure that’s part of our law.”
favorite song, "Do Ya Wanna Funk?"
"Hello, is this thing on? Testes...testes one two three. We begin bombing the Russians in 30 minutes. Ha ha! That always cracks 'em up at the Elks Lodge! But seriously, folks. Mary had a little lamb---her parents were mortified. I just can't help myself... You folks fly in from out of town? I bet your arms are tired! I slay me... Oh, by the way, the walrus will be Paul and Luke will be Vader's kid. Oops…'Spoiler alert!' I'm bored. Can I go home and invent the light bulb now?"Only known cure for Restless Inventor Syndrome, according to doctors: take out two patent applications and call me in the morning.
Five years ago in C&J: November 21, 2008
WHOOPS to the understatement of the week. "Oh, great." And with those words astronaut Heide McButterfingers, in the process of making repairs on the International Space Station, watched her tool kit float off into space, where it will one day collide with and destroy an Inkydinkyalite spacecraft rushing to save Earth from ecological destruction by its own inhabitants. But even worse, the bag also contained the only key to the mini bar. Let's just say it's a little tense at the space station breakfast table this morning.
CHEERS to unsolved mysteries. Achtung! After decades of speculation, it's official: Hitler really did have only one testicle. Now if we can just figure out who Carly Simon was singing about in "You're So Vain," we can finally get some sleep.
And just one more…
CHEERS to climbing inside the mind of the mighty Kossack headbone (and occasionally toilet-papering your dendrites). C&J's legendary daily polls function as a progressive finger in the wind for your collective beliefs, attitudes, moods and prognosticating ability. Here are updates on two that I found interesting. Yesterday I repeated my 2012 Joe Biden approval poll (it was his birthday), and here's how the numbers have shifted as the glow of the Obama-Biden re-election win has faded:
What grade would you give him these days?Not horrible, but definite slippage from last year. Meanwhile, one year ago today I asked you to respond to this, and here's how you voted:
A---78% in 2012, 46% in 2013
B---18% in 2012, 36% in 2013
C---1% in 2012 and 8% in 2013
D---0% in 2012, 1% in 2013
F---0% in 2012, 3% in 2013
right into the rocks.
"I think all the post-election Republican beltway talk about shifting left in order to survive as a party will result in…"A year later the GOP is in hopeless disarray, with nothing on their agenda except whining about the ACA and shutting down the government. They're not interested in immigration reform, ENDA, climate change, jobs, preserving the social safety net…nothing. Just obstruct, obstruct, obstruct in rudderless subservience to their most fevered and nutso far far far far-right base. You guys nailed it. That's why I fear you.
A big shift to the left---0%
A small shift to the left---5%
No shift, because they have no rudder---28%
A shift further to the right, because the far-right base still rules the GOP's universe---64%
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:-
Whoever decided to not make Bill in Portland Maine People's Sexiest Man Alive...You're doing your job right and I applaud you. THANK YOU.