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Affirmation: “This week I will avoid falling prey to holiday excesses like some total asshole.”

Thanksgiving week begins in the United States! Americans, begin the week with gratitude because you'll end it stomping some mother fucker at 5 a.m. at a Walmart.

"Hey sparky, shut the fuck up and eat an organic, locally grown bowl of pickled dicks." ~ The Big Book of Thanksgiving Conversation Enders, 2013

Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No

The JFK assassination coverup means the real killer might still be on the loose. That's why I'm so terrified of really old people.

Don't trust sloths. Takes them an hour to move an entire foot, but they've survived on this planet longer than us. That's the work of magic.


If natural selection is real, why hasn't Rush Limbaugh been eaten by sensible tigers?

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