From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
It's almost over. It's Fourth and goal with seconds on the clock. Win or lose, 2013 is about to become an ex-year.
Once again we find ourselves saying that without all the Republican obstruction and pettiness, we'd be ending the year in better shape than we are. But because they insist on continuing to play their nutty game of "Deny Obama A Second Term Even Though He Won A Second Term," we The 99 Percent ended up stuck in the mud again.
On the other hand, there was much laughter to be had: serves-ya-right laughter as the government shutdown boomerangs on the tea party...nervous laughter as billionaire Sheldon Adelson insists that the Pentagon should drop a nuclear bomb in an uninhabited part of Iran and "the next one is in the middle of Tehran so we mean business"...mocking laughter as Rick Santorum's career as an anti-Hollywood movie producer drowns in a sea of of empty seats...and good old supercalischadenfreudalistic laughter as anti-LGBT forces lose every single battle they pick. Yes, 2013 was like a 365-day-long roast of Republicans, which is ironic since they still believe the world is cooling.
Below the fold is the thrilling conclusion---September through five seconds ago---of this crazy year as C&J saw it. While we await the descent of the giant ball (HuhHuhHuh…I said giant ball) in Times Square, all the writers, editors, gaffers, key grips, fuzzy critters and catheter sales reps at C&J wish you a festive New Year's Eve and a tolerable 2014, stuffed with cash, pie, basic sanitation and lots of warm 'n fuzzy getalongness…
Your wormhole to the past opens up one last time below the fold... [Swoosh!!] Right now! [Gong!!]
Note: C&J will be off tomorrow and Thursday in observance of a really early Easter. We'll emerge from our Barbie Dream Bunker on Friday evening to thank the Maker for giving us the gift of one more glorious year of mocking Congresswoman Michele Bachmann in all her googly-eyed glory. Let's not waste a moment.
And here's your puppy pic of the day: I'm not sure what it means, but when our dog Haley wears this on her head, she mostly repeats the word "revenge" over and over. Stupid device must be busted.
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C&J 2013 Flashback: September
President Obama writes a school excuse note for Alanah Poullard, 5, while visiting with
Wounded Warriors and their families in the East Room during their tour of the
White House, Sept. 19. Alanah asked for a note to show her kindergarten teacher.
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Human porpoise Diane Nyad swims from Cuba to Key West at the age of 64 and becomes the first person to make the trek without a shark cage. She says the experience has given her the confidence to attempt something even more dangerous: walk the entire length of K Street without lobbyist repellant.
As the crisis in Syria worsens, Secretary of State John Kerry says he's confident Congress won't turn its back on the Syrian people. Congress responds: "Of course not---we're too busy turning our back on the American people."
Twelve people die at the hands of a lone shooter ("disgruntled civilian contractor") at the Washington Navy Yard. The sign at American border crossings remains unchanged for another 30 days: "This country has gone 0 months without a senseless gun massacre."
By the Numbers
Increase in productivity of the average worker between 1979 and 2012: 75%
Increase in real income during that same period: 5%
(Source: The Philadelphia Inquirer)
Portion of U.S. military aircraft that are drones: 1-in-3
(Source: Time)
Portion of Americans who oppose the NSA's collection of phone and internet records: 6-in-10
(Source: AP-NORC poll)
Number of states in which it is legal to fire someone because they're gay: 29
(Source: Harper's Index)
Number of journalists who have been killed in Syria this year: 17
(Source: Committee to Protect Journalists via USA Today)
Number of the two new iPhone models sold during their first weekend: 9 million
(Source: CBS Marketwatch)
The Census Bureau releases its annual poverty report revealing that a staggering 15 percent of us are at or below the poverty line, including 22 percent of our nation's kids. Republicans say they've got the perfect plan for shrinking the numbers to zero: eliminate the Census Bureau's annual poverty report.
The tea party releases its latest list of "things liberals are trying to shove down our throats." In addition to the usual socialism and Obamacare, the list includes lamps, tires and, for reasons no one can explain, crab cakes.
On Meet the Press, gun-industry stooge Wayne LaPierre explains that the Washington Navy Yard massacre wouldn't have happened if every American was issued a bazooka at birth. David Gregory nods thoughtfully while Chuck Todd hides under the desk to avoid any accidental fact checking.
President Barack Obama talks with President Hassan Rouhani of
Iran during a phone call in the Oval Office, Sept. 27.
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German Chancellor Angela Merkel, running on a platform of "Stay the course and, here, have a beer," wins re-election. Based on the outcome of the parliamentary elections, she has two coalition-based paths she can choose from to create a functional, efficient government. Or as it's known over here: two more than we do.
Ted Cruz (R-TX) talks all night on the Senate floor in a "fauxlibuster" intended to fool the base of the Republican party into believing that he single-handedly defeated Obamacare, shut down the government, defaulted on the debt and commissioned a bust of Reagan to be placed on top of the Washington Monument. The next morning a new snap poll shows that 90 percent of the Republican base suddenly believes Ted Cruz single-handedly defeated Obamacare, shut down the government, defaulted on the debt and commissioned a bust of Reagan to be placed on top of the Washington Monument.
Late Night Snark
"Senate leaders Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell admitted they have no Plan B if the House doesn’t avoid a government shutdown. Of course this raised a lot of questions. Like, since when did they have a Plan A?"
---Jimmy Fallon
"If you define 'mass shootings' as four or more people getting shot at one time, we've had nearly 250 so far this year. We've only had 260 days! Our mass shooting average is 96 percent. Our mass shooting scores shouldn't be that much higher than our math and science scores. There have been more mass-shooting days than Jewish holidays---and there are a shitload of Jewish holidays."
---Jon Stewart
SPOILER ALERT: AMC cooks up and sells 30-second packets of advertising time on the finale of
Breaking Bad for $250,000 each. Says Walter White: "Wow---looks like I picked the wrong racket."
A day after his historic "pleasant phone chat" with President Obama, new Iranian President Hassan Rouhani flies from the U.N. conference in New York back to his country and immediately finds himself on the receiving end of an airborne shoe. Says Rouhani after the incident: "I had no idea John McCain could throw that far."
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October
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Oct. 11: The President and First Lady, along with Malia, meet with Malala Yousafzai,
the young Pakistani schoolgirl who was shot in the head by the Taliban.
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Same-sex couples can now get married in 14 states representing 30 percent of the U.S. population. This number could not possibly get any higher during 2013, so don’t get your hopes up, people. Not gonna happen!
Nancy Pelosi and the late Betty Ford are among nine women inducted into the Women's Hall of Fame, "the nation’s oldest membership organization recognizing the achievements of great American women." As usual, the inductees will receive 20 percent less of what the new inductees in the Men's Hall of Fame are getting.
Republicans unveil their new chant: "What do we want?" "Hell if we know!" "When do we want it?" "1890!!!"
By the Numbers
Percent of Republicans who think the Obama Administration is secretly trying to take everyone’s guns away: 62%
(Source: Public Policy Polling)
Estimated cost of the government shutdown to American taxpayers, according to Standard and Poor's: $24 billion
Number of Republicans in the House and Senate, respectively, who voted to let America slide off the fiscal cliff, versus 0 Democrats: 144 / 18
Regular season winning percentage of both the Boston Red Sox and St. Louis Cardinals, who will face each other in the World Series: .599
Average increase in health insurance premiums during the Bush administration and last year under Obama, respectively: 13.2%, 4%
(Source: Kaiser Family Foundation)
Number of applicants to U.S. medical schools in 2013, a record high: 48,014
(Source: AAMC)
Portion of Americans who lived in counties with smoky air in 2011: 2/3
(Source: Natural Resources Defense Council)
In a special election, Newark Mayor Cory Booker wins a seat in the United States Senate, picking up where the late Frank Lautenberg left off. Most excited about the news: people and pets in Washington D.C. who need rescuing.
The immigration bill that Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) helped conceive, craft, champion and ultimately vote for has now become the immigration bill that Senator Marco Rubio regrets conceiving, rues crafting, denies championing and would now vote against. He regrets the error. But not as much as his presidential aspirations do.
Oct. 25: President Barack Obama greets customers during a stop at
Junior's Cheesecake and Desserts in Brooklyn, N.Y.
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President Obama nominates Jeh Johnson as the new head of the Department of Homeland Security. Among his new ideas: revamping the old color-coded terror alert system using aromas instead of colors. Green, blue, yellow, orange and red will be replaced with Peach Blossom, Mint, Dead Fish, Dog Fart, and Hair on Fire.
Astronomers say they've discovered a galaxy that's more distant than any we've ever seen before. It takes light 13 billion years to get there. It's out there…way, waaaaay out there. They name it the Ted Nugent galaxy.
The crew of a Greenpeace ship seized last month by the Russians gets some good news: the charges against them are being reduced from piracy to "hooliganism." Russian authorities say that if the crew continues to behave themselves and cooperate, they may reduce the charges to "dorkism" by next week and "poopyheadism" by Christmas.
Late Night Snark
"The government shutdown is going to slash the budget for food inspection. That's bad news for health advocates, but great news for the new Japanese restaurant: Leap of Faith Sushi."
---Conan O'Brien
"How to end the government shutdown: I think if you hold down Texas and Maine at the same time, it automatically reboots."
---Stephen Colbert
"People are actually getting very pissed off at this government shutdown. But Republicans say, 'Remember one thing. We are standing up for an important principle…and as soon as we figure out what it is, you will be the first to know.'"
---Bill Maher
"After 16 days the government shutdown is over. Right now a devastated Ted Cruz is filibustering a squirrel on the lawn of the Capitol building. ... Some in Congress are acting like this is a big achievement. I don't think so. If you pick up a gun and don't shoot yourself in the leg with it, that's not really an achievement."
---Jimmy Kimmel
Outrage sweeps the country as a new web site people need for signing up for a valuable service fails to perform as promised. The list of grievances seems endless, from bad software to uploading nightmares to frozen screens to endless delays and disappearing accounts. Even the guy in charge says it's a great big mess and techies scramble like hell to fix it. I'm speaking of course about the
Common Application college sign-up site. Can't the private sector do
anything right?
The White House assures German Chancellor Angela Merkel that the NSA is absolutely, positively not spying on her. Merkel says our assurance might have more credibility if the lamp on her desk didn't say in a Brooklyn accent, "Yo, lady, gesundheit" every time she sneezes.
President Obama attends the installation of FBI Director James Comey, including the ceremonial taking-alive-by-copper of the gangster yelling, "You'll never take me alive, copper!"
The Boston Red Sox win their third World Series in ten years, beating the St. Louis Cardinals 4 games to 2---the first time they've sealed the deal during a home game since 1918. And now that that's over, we can all get on with our lives. At least until spring training. Which starts in 117 days. But who's counting? Not me! I'm just keeping track for a friend. His dog ate his abacus.
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November
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The Obamas and the Clintons participate in a wreath laying ceremony at the gravesite of
President John F. Kennedy at Arlington National Cemetery in Arlington, Va., Nov. 20.
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On Meet the Press, Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney explains that the nationalized Romneycare plan won't work because it was renamed Obamacare and it
sucks. Current Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick explains that the nationalized Romneycare plan
will work because it was renamed Obamacare and it
rawks.
Top Election Day 2013 Results
> Democrat Terry McAuliffe beats Ken Cuccinelli in a squeaker, thus ending both the AG's and Bob "Governor Ultrasound" McDonnell's reign of frothy fundamentalism in Virginia.
> Bill de Blasio won de mayor's race in de Big Apple and will be a welcome relief from de Bloomberg.
> Chris Christie, having done what he needed to do to win re-election as governor of New Jersey, will now adopt a tea party mentality in preparation for his presidential run by sticking his head in a microwave oven and punching the button marked "baked potato."
In the 24 hours after the polls closed Tuesday, Americans receive an average of 49 emails from various winning and losing campaigns informing them that "our work isn’t finished," by which they apparently mean the work involved in giving them money.
By the Numbers
Number of presidents who have spent proportionately more than President Obama since 1947: 11
(Source: Financial Times via Think Progress)
Number of jobs added in October: 204,000
(Source: Labor Dept.)
Rank of "Jobs" among "the most important ways for the federal government to improve the economy": #1
(Source: Gallup)
Current approval rating of Congress: 9%
(Source: Gallup)
Cost of an "American Gothikkah" print from moderntribe.com commemorating the union this year of Thanksgiving and Hanukkah: $18
Time it took for tickets to sell out for the July 1 live Monty Python show in London: 43 seconds
(Source: The Guardian)
Percent of U.S. adults who are on Twitter: 16%
(Source: CBS News)
Maine Congressman Mike Michaud comes out of the closet, shouting in an op-ed published in several state newspapers: "I'm here, I'm queer, vote me in as governor next year!" Two signs that Michaud's announcement will be a net positive: 1) The reaction is universally positive, and 2) Maine retailers set a one-day sales record for gift-wrapped toaster ovens.
This Month's Apologies
60 Minutes: Sorry about that bullshit Benghazi story.
President Obama: Sorry if you got kicked off your insurance plan because of the Affordable Care Act.
Israel: We did not assassinate Yasser Arafat with poison! (But if we did? Sorry.)
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford: Sorry I'm a crack-smoking asshole who wants to murder my enemies.
God: I'm sorry I sneezed and caused the most violent typhoon in world history.
Brenda Lee: I'm sorry that I was such a fool.
They're all sent to their room without supper.
Wisconsin Teapublican Governor Scott Walker lays the groundwork for a presidential run by watching a three-year-old run around in a pair of size 12 wingtips.
President Barack Obama is greeted by Bill Russell during a stop to view the new
Statue of Russell at City Hall Plaza in Boston, Massachusetts on Oct. 30, 2013.
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A wild asteroid is spotted. It's located between Mars and Jupiter and it has six tails. A sign this asteroid is harmless: they're all wagging.
Federal Judge Freda Wolfson upholds New Jersey's ban on people who perform "ex-gay" therapy. Happily, ex-bigot therapy will continue, as it actually has a decent track record.
The World Wildlife Federation releases footage showing a species of mammal not seen since 1998. The Asian unicorn is considered one of the rarest species in the world. To put that in perspective, conservationists put it in the same endangered category as the overpaid Walmart employee and the liberal Republican.
Late Night Snark
"House Republicans this week opened hearings into the failure of the healthcare.gov web site. So don’t worry about that tech issue, America---a bunch of our oldest men are on the case."
---Seth Meyers
"In Virginia, [Republican] candidate for governor Ken Cuccinelli went down, which is ironic because he was trying to make oral sex illegal. I'm not making that up. He wanted to make abortion impossible, ban gay marriage, and reinstate the sodomy laws against oral and anal sex. Why? Because it's a Republican's job to get government out of our lives.
---Bill Maher
"These bins are for Wal-Mart employees to donate [Thanksgiving food] to other employees. And where can Wal-Mart's low-wage workers find cheap food to donate? Wal-Mart. Anyone can afford food there…except people who work at Wal-Mart."
---Stephen Colbert
The Oxford Dictionary has named "selfie" the word of the year, narrowly beating out "twerk." In a related story, the funeral for the English language is this Saturday.
---Conan O'Brien
After anti-gay forces send out millions of fundraising emails because "we're on the cusp of rolling back the gay-marriage tide," the governors of Hawaii and Illinois sign gay-marriage bills into law (#15 and #16). Amazingly, the sky remains firmly in place.
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid stands up on the Senate floor and shouts, "Yippeekayay, motherfuckers!" Then he pulls the trigger on the "nuclear option" and, with 51 other members solidly behind him, effectively stops the Republicans' out-of-control obstruction of Obama judicial nominees. A happy bonus of the drama: it distracted the GOP so much that they completely forgot to name any roads or buildings after Ronald Reagan.
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December
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South Africans listen as President Obama delivers
remarks at the Nelson Mandela memorial service.
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The revamped Affordable Care Act web site is greeted with cheers as it works better, smarter and faster. Paul Krugman exclaims: "In short, the crisis is over---for Obama and the Democrats. It’s just beginning for the Republicans." The most popular plan being chosen is the one that offers free in-hospital-room Spice Channel and an immortality savings account.
The CEO of Amazon.com announces the company will be delivering packages by propeller-driven drones within five years. Also in five years: decapitation coverage gets added to all Obamacare plans.
Due to the sequester, the National Weather Service's winter storm prediction software now consists of an Atari 2600 and a Yar's Revenge cartridge.
By the Numbers
Estimated square miless of deforestation in the Amazon rainforest between August 2012 and July 2013, a one-year increase of 28%: 2,256
GDP for the third quarter, revised from the original 2.8% estimate: 3.6%
Number of people who signed up for health insurance during the first three days the revamped healthcare.gov site was up: 56,000
(Source: brainwrap)
Percent of adults who say they've had a holiday gathering ruined by a relative: 79%
(Source: USA Today)
Year Mandela was finally taken off the U.S. terrorist watch list: 2008
Number of George Washington Bridge operators who were informed why two-thirds of the lanes on the Fort Lee side would be blocked on orders of the Christie administration, causing massive traffic backups: 0
(Source: Maddowblog)
Rank of Hawaii, Vermont and Minnesota among our healthiest states: #1, #2, #3
A huge study conducted by the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute and Brigham and Women's Hospital reveals strong evidence that eating nuts makes you healthier and even increases your lifespan. And for best results, always de-bone and marinate your Republican congressman in teriyaki sauce first.
Nelson Mandela dies at 95. All the living presidents except Poppy Bush attend the funeral service at FNB Stadium. President Obama pays a tribute to the first black South African president that's so stirring the text of every speaker who follows him is the same: "What he said." During the event, the president shakes hands with Cuba's Raul Castro. Several Fox News employees are treated for gasp-related injuries.
The League of Super Friends marches on Washington to urge Congress to pass the Affordable Cape Act.
VP Joe Biden and Chinese VP Li Yuanchao greet members of "The Children and Young
Women Chorus of the China Symphony Orchestra" after they performed during a bilateral
luncheon, at the Diaoyutai State Guesthouse, in Beijing China, December 5.
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Fresh outrage at the NSA as documents leaked by Edward Snowden show that the government is now spying on video gamers. The one exception is Pac Man players after the agency loses three top agents to Inky, Blinky and Clyde.
Cheers and Jeers turns 10. In the immortal words of Dick Cheney: "So?"
Fox News host Megyn Kelly is hailed by her viewers as a reputable historian when she claims that both Santa Claus and Jesus are "just white."
Fox News host Megyn Kelly is reviled by her viewers as the worst historian in the 6,000 year history of the world when she says that her comments about Santa and Jesus were just a joke.
The RYAN-(murray) austerity budget passes the House and Senate, even though it fails to include an extension of long-term unemployment benefits. On the bright side, the House is adjourned for the year and all their flights will take off on time and they'll wave to us from 30,000 feet and then have a swell Christmas, gainfully employed with a $174,000 salary and benefits out the wazoo. So…WIN.
Late Night Snark
President Obama shook hands with Cuban dictator Raul Castro. Or as Fox News reported it: "Foreign communist shakes hands with the leader of Cuba."
---Conan O'Brien
"A new report says that members of Congress work harder than the average American. You know why? That's because thanks to Congress the average American is out of work."
---Jay Leno
Megyn Kelly: For all you kids watching at home, Santa just is white.
Stephen Colbert Yes. Thank you. For all those kids watching Fox News at 9:40 at night, Santa is white. Besides, a black Santa is a terrible idea. If a home owner in Florida sees a black man coming down their chimney, he is going to get shot. 'Officer, I was only defending my milk and cookies!'"
---The Colbert Report
A bearded star of a cable TV reality show turns out to be an anti-gay screwball who waxes rhapsodic on the Jim Crow era and says men ought to marry 15 year-olds before they have a chance to get too sassy and independent. Republicans take a moment to rally around him before heading back into their strategy meetings to figure out why gays, blacks and women don't feel welcome in the Republican party.
Due to the sequester, nine of the drummers drumming are laid off, funding for the ladies dancing has been diverted to the Pentagon and all the maids a' milking lose their food stamps.
Moments after anti-gay organizations fire off fundraising emails claiming that they're "on the cusp of rolling back the gay-marriage tide," gay marriage becomes legal in both New Mexico (#17) and---in Rachel Maddow's words---freakin' UTAH (#18). (True fact: Marriage equality is now legal in every state---NH, MA, CA and UT---where Mitt Romney owns a house.) Moments later, anti-gay organizations fire off fundraising emails claiming that they're "on the cusp of rolling back the gay-marriage tide." To be continued….....
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And finally---your #1 picks in our Friday "Who won the week?" polls:
September 6 The Walmart employees in 15 cities who walked out to protest for a living wage
September 13 President Obama (with an assist from John Kerry): gets Syria to wake up and smell the international chemical weapons ban treaty
September 20 Pope Francis, for insisting that the Catholic church needs to lay off its bizarre fixation on gays, abortion and contraception
September 27 President Obama: powerful speeches at Washington Navy Yard, U.N. and Prince George's Community College; talks ACA with Bill Clinton; speaks with Iran's president; munches on popcorn as GOP implodes.
October 4 President Obama: gets his U.N. agreement on disarming Syria, ACA exchanges go live, stands strong against GOP ransom demands.
October 11 President Obama. To coin a phrase: "Please proceed, Republicans."
October 18 Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi and President Obama, for routing the Republicans on the government shutdown/default threat
October 25 The Daily Show's Aasif Mandvi, whose segment on North Carolina GOP precinct chair Don Yelton's racist views regarding the new state voter-suppression law got him (Yelton) fired
November 1 Rep. Bill Pascrell (D-NJ), for denouncing Republicans who are failing to help implement the Affordable Care Act.
November 8 Rachel Maddow and other fact-checkers who continue to document mass-plagiarism on the part of Kentucky Senator Rand Paul…and the right-wing Washington Times for giving him the boot as a columnist over the scandal
November 15 Sock! Biff! Pow! Batkid saves Gotham!!!!
November 22 Senator Harry Reid, for stopping years of GOP filibuster abuse on judicial nominees by revising Senate procedure rules. Hat tip also to Sens. Jeff Merkley and Tom Udall, plus Daily Kos's David Waldman for their efforts to git 'er done.
November 29 Pope Francis, for issuing a papal manifesto that calls for an end to trickle-down economics and the 'new tyranny' of income inequality
December 6 Senator Elizabeth Warren, for firing back at Wall Street CEOs and their front group 'Third Way,' and urging the CEOs to reveal their contributions to think tanks
December 13 Pope Francis: Time's Person of the Year
December 20 Orlando, the guide dog who stayed with his sight-impaired owner, Cecil Williams, after he fell into the path of an oncoming A train in NYC…and the people who donated money so that Williams could keep Orlando when the pooch retires
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