With all the weekend TV news and talk shows, I haven't seen this remarkable excerpt from a weekend's show diaried.
This is strangely compelling. Transcript below the squiggly.
Jane Curtin: This past September for four days there was a major traffic backup on the George Washington Bridge between New York and New Jersey. Here to comment further on the developing scandal is Weekend Update’s Traffic Correspondent, Chrisanne Chrisannadanna. [Applause.]
Chrisanne Chrisannadanna: Thanks a lot, Jane! A Mr. Richard Feder from Fort Lee, New Jersey writes in and says: "Dear Chrisanne Chrisannadanna, Last fall, I was tryin’ to drive to my job and got stuck in traffic for 4 hours and was unable to move left or right or backward or forward. At the time I was just tryin’ to quit smokin'. For 4 hours I went without a cigarette because I didn’t have any on hand. Listen, Chrisanne, if there ever was ever a time a guy needed a cigarette, being stuck in traffic for 4 hours was one of those times, you know what I mean? I had a panic attack, and it got so bad my face broke out, I was nauseous, I got constipated, my feet swelled, my gums started bleedin', my sinuses were clogged, I got heartburn, and on top of it all I was cranky and if that wasn’t bad enough I had bad gas. What did you know about this traffic situation and what are you gonna do about it?"
Well, Mr. Feder, you sound like a real attractive guy! You belong in New Jersey! [Applause]
But I know exactly what you're goin' through 'cause once, I, Chrisanne Chrisannadanna, quit smokin' and then I got stuck in traffic. This was a long time ago before I got elected and now I don't have to worry about dealing with traffic BS anymore myself. But what I did at the time was, I bummed a cigarette from one of those scroungy guys with windshield squeegees that used to bug people stuck in traffic all the time. I said to him, hey never mind my windshield, I’ll give you 20 bucks if you give me a few cigarettes and something to light ‘em with. And it was real expensive but it was worth it.
But that didn’t solve my problems because stuck in that traffic jam I got real hot. So I had to take some clothes off and so were other people and everyone stuck in that traffic jam got to see a lotta people that you don't know naked! Some of these people had the kind of thighs that get chafed just 'cause they're always scrapin' against each other. And there were other people there that got these funny belly buttons. Like, some go in and some go out or it's like a hole or it curls around or it's like a little knob on it, like a door. Some of them got a little piece of their sweater still in it! Some of 'em look like a little star or a shell or a clam. Or some, you don't what they are!
But, personally, I, Chrisanne Chrisannadanna, don't like to sit around with no clothes in front of other people! Not that I don't got a great body. But why should I waste it on a bunch of people stuck in traffic?
Anyway, even though I was naked stuck in that traffic jam I was sweating like a pig. So I put a towel on my car seat 'cause I didn’t want the sweat to drip down my back and into the crack of my butt and pool on the seat of my car, ‘cause then I’d be sitting in traffic in a pool of my own boiling sweat. So, listen to this. Who do you think is sitting next to me stuck in traffic but Dr. Joyce Brothers! That very smart pixie lady who thinks she knows everything. But what this nude psychologist doesn't know is that she had this little teeny tiny ball o' sweat right here, hangin' off the tip of her nose! It was just hangin' there! It wouldn't fall off! Like, if she turned her head, it didn't fall off, if she stood up, it didn't fall off, she scratched, it didn't fall off, and when she picked a little piece of sweater out of her belly button, it didn't fall off! That little sweat ball just wouldn't fall off! So I yelled out the window at her. I said, "Hey! Doctor! Flick that sweat ball off your nose! What are ya tryin' to do? Make me sick?!"
Jane Curtin: Chrisanne!
Chrisanne Chrisannadanna: What? What?
Jane Curtin: What do naked drivers, cigarettes, guys with squeegees, and Dr. Joyce Brothers have to do with a traffic jam ordered by your administration as political retribution?
Chrisanne Chrisannadanna: Well, Jane. It just goes to show ya: It's always somethin'! If it's not one thing, it's another! Either you smoke or you have a sweat ball hangin' off your nose! It's just like the song we used to sing on Thanksgiving when I was a little girl. Everybody would come over to my house lookin' all pretty and cute and everything. My mother would make a turkey with stuffing and for dessert we'd have the traditional Banana Chrisannadanna cake. Before we ate, we'd bow our heads. Bow your head, Jane. Come on, bow your little head. We'd bow our heads and we'd all sing:
We gather together to ask the Lord's blessing
Please look down upon the Chrisannadanna household
Bring peace to our fathers, good health to our mothers
And please don't make me sweat like Dr. Joyce Brothers!
Chrisanne Chrisannadanna: Amen!
Jane Curtin: That's the news. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.