Last night, Bill Maher returned for his first show of 2014 with a final New Rule on some New Year's resolutions for our country.
And finally, New Rule: it's great to be back! Thank you for welcoming us back for another year. We appreciate you having us in your home. And as we start a new year, let's start a new tradition — a good tradition — to replace one of our stupid traditions, like the electoral college or the drug war. Let's make it a tradition that just as individuals make New Year's resolutions, so should America!Video below the fold.
OK, so here they are. Our first New Year's resolution as a nation should be one familiar to individuals as well, and that is to improve a key relationship in our lives. You know how they say if you love something, set it free, and see if it comes back? Let's try that with Afghanistan. (audience applause)
Talk about a bad relationship! This has been like dating a girl for 13 years who tries to kill you every day. And if breaking up with Afghanistan works, we could see if the absence of American military bases in Germany and Okinawa makes their hearts grow fonder.
Second, America must resolve to stop doing everything late. Stop procrastinating! Do you know that our most recent Congress was the least effective in U.S. history? We got more done in 1812, when we didn't have e-mails or phones, and were at war with England and pirates. No wonder the whole Southern half of the country still has Christmas lights up on the porch.
On the other hand, of course, on the other hand it's January 17th, and I'm still doing New Year's resolutions. But I have a reason for being late. I was on a bridge in New Jersey, and some bastard got me stuck in traffic! (audience laughter and applause)
But what is America's excuse? Why are we always running 50 to 100 years behind the rest of the world? We were one of the last nations on Earth to ban slavery. The last country to adopt the metric system. The last country with a major political party still claiming global warming is a hoax. The last among the modern countries to provide universal health care. One of the last to label GMOs. One of the last to make Election Day a holiday. There are girls on 16 and Pregnant who aren't this consistently late. (audience laughter)
But we're not going to drop that bad habit without making another important resolution, which is to stop hanging on to stupid stuff long after it's relevant, just because it's "tradition". We don't need the electoral college, or the drug war, or the penny! Or farm subsidies. Or an amendment in the Constitution about how citizens need rifles in case they have to take over the government. (audience applause)
Why do we still have these things? Why do we still have capers in the fridge? (audience laughter) Why am I still getting the phone book? Why do we need two Dakotas? (audience laughter and applause) Why do we still have Daylight Savings Time? It made sense when 80% of Americans were farmers, and we needed the sunlight to discourage grandpa from molesting the sheep. (audience laughter) But now, no Americans are farmers. Monsanto just sprays a field with green goo, and a month later, Cheetos pop out of the ground. (audience laughter)
And finally, finally, a resolution I've been asking America to make for a long time. Be more cynical. Be less easily fooled. Case in point. All the people who are fans of these guys —
heroes to all the rural heartland traditional values gun nuts out there. Except here's what we recently found out these guys really looked like before they got their TV show!
Preppy assholes at the golf club wearing Tommy Bahama! That's right, it's all an act! Fat cats pretending to be just folks, and you fell for it. Take a hint, Tea Partiers. This is what the Republican Party is always doing to you.