Skip to main content

If you can't be kind, begone.

I am dealing with enough  crap that Valium barely makes a dent in it. It's not just my husband's recovery from quintuple bypass, with bad news every time we turn around, it's also the complicated relationships within the in-laws, and my complete inability to pretend everything's just fine when it patently isn't. It's caused a deep rift between me and them. Actually, I suspect it just revealed the truth about how they view me, so for once in the 28 years I have been with him, they're showing how they really feel--and it isn't pretty.

So I don't want any lectures on how much better you would handle.  And try not to dislocate your shoulder patting yourself on the back about how much better you'd handle. And if you think isn't political enough, don't read it. Although, part of my worry is about how big a co-pay we'll be stuck with after Tricare, which is why I wanted single payer.  NOBODY at a time like this when the stress is breaking your heart, should have to worry about co-pays.

He seems to think he'll be discharged sometime between TH and Saturday, most likley Friday.  That is really good news.  He needs to be home.  I want him home.  It will be a blessed relief. They also took out the arterial tube , which he refers to as the Frankenstein zipper, and that is a good sign. They are playing with his meds to get thr right balance.

Now comes the bad news. In a moment that can only be referred to as a psychotic episode, I made the mistake of calling MiL in an attempt to explain why I have been so aggressive with the staff.I told her we'd had bad prior experiences. I explained that from day one, I was kinda iffy  about what they had claimed about their greatness and being better than Emory. I should have done my homework that  very night, but only did the thorough check last night.

At that point I realized she had left the phone  on and walked away. She couldn't bear to listen to facts that interfered with her belief.

I called her back. I said very politely, "You really need to understand this information."

She replied with the self-righteousness of a fundy whose faith is threatened, "We are not going to discuss this", and hung up.  It's the phone version of stomping off, her normal reaction when she knows someone is right and she's wrong and is not gonna admit it. You'd think I's learn, but truly believed she needed to know, would want to know, about the real reason I have been questioning everything so aggressively.

I hadn't intended to tell Ben, but someone needed to know the truth in order to keep a sharp eye on the docs and the drugs he's being given (not to mention not figuring out he had pneumonia and not noticing a blood clot in the lungs that could be fatal). I apologized for having to give him that news, but he needed to be wary and ask as many questions as necessary and not stop until he felt he wasn't getting the usual half-truth--since I wasn't there to be  the bitchy wife who wants to make damned sure she knows going on. I also told him I wasn't going to be able to visit him because that would require having to kiss MiL's ass to get a ride over and that I honestly refused to do that--the price was way too high. I asked him when he gets the news of his discharge to call her and make it damned plain that I better be with her. He asked why he should do it. I told him I didn't believe she'd come and get unless he requested it, after this morning. I also said I intended to bring a book and read the entire trip because I don't want to talk to her.  

He said that really it wasn't worth it for me to try to give her facts, that facts are meaningless to her if it interferes   with what she prefers to believe.  Right now it's pink unicorns and there's really nothing to waste her beautiful mind on, especially not trying to console a heart-broken, terrified woman  who spent the trip from the hospital in silent sobs.  Acknowledging that maybe I was crying out of terror for a solid reason would have poked holes in her warm fuzzy unreality. And therefore it was easier to ignore my fears and my tears and pretend I wasn't crying my heart out. And for those of you who suggested maybe she wasn't a hugger--she hugs everyone. Except apparently me.

So that's how it's gonna be. And if she starts interfering after we no longer need her help, I have decided to have as little to do with her as possible. She had made it clear that never loved me, didn't like me, barely tolerated me, and considers me a rude, bad-mannered, angry bitch.

Your Email has been sent.
You must add at least one tag to this diary before publishing it.

Add keywords that describe this diary. Separate multiple keywords with commas.
Tagging tips - Search For Tags - Browse For Tags


More Tagging tips:

A tag is a way to search for this diary. If someone is searching for "Barack Obama," is this a diary they'd be trying to find?

Use a person's full name, without any title. Senator Obama may become President Obama, and Michelle Obama might run for office.

If your diary covers an election or elected official, use election tags, which are generally the state abbreviation followed by the office. CA-01 is the first district House seat. CA-Sen covers both senate races. NY-GOV covers the New York governor's race.

Tags do not compound: that is, "education reform" is a completely different tag from "education". A tag like "reform" alone is probably not meaningful.

Consider if one or more of these tags fits your diary: Civil Rights, Community, Congress, Culture, Economy, Education, Elections, Energy, Environment, Health Care, International, Labor, Law, Media, Meta, National Security, Science, Transportation, or White House. If your diary is specific to a state, consider adding the state (California, Texas, etc). Keep in mind, though, that there are many wonderful and important diaries that don't fit in any of these tags. Don't worry if yours doesn't.

You can add a private note to this diary when hotlisting it:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from your hotlist?
Are you sure you want to remove your recommendation? You can only recommend a diary once, so you will not be able to re-recommend it afterwards.
Rescue this diary, and add a note:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from Rescue?
Choose where to republish this diary. The diary will be added to the queue for that group. Publish it from the queue to make it appear.

You must be a member of a group to use this feature.

Add a quick update to your diary without changing the diary itself:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary?
(The diary will be removed from the site and returned to your drafts for further editing.)
(The diary will be removed.)
Are you sure you want to save these changes to the published diary?

Comment Preferences

  •  I am so sorry... (15+ / 0-)

    ...that you're having to deal with so much extra stress, on top of the worry and stress of having your husband needing so much care. You and he will be in my thoughts and prayers tonight and in the days to come, with prayers for healing, wholeness, and peace for both of you.

    •  i feel like I am fighting on two fronts. (14+ / 0-)

      I am trying to fight for him, while being ao angry at both the hospital's  medical errors--and then having to battle MiL who is making it clear that she considers me hysterical and angry, and, well not behaving like a Southern Lady.

      The last time we mixed religion and politics people got burned at the stake.

      by irishwitch on Wed Jan 29, 2014 at 03:13:35 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

      •  How does that Serenity Prayer go? (4+ / 0-)

        Something about knowing the things you can change and the things you can't?

        Stop wasting energy on trying to change MIL. She is not going to change. And you only frustrate and upset yourself in your efforts to change her. Just keep calmly saying to her, "Yes, dear," and go on about doing and thinking exactly what you want/need to do.

        •  It's a Christian prayer and I don't do that (3+ / 0-)
          Recommended by:
          Ahianne, chimene, thanatokephaloides

          any more. And saying "yes dear" is precisely what got me into this mess. She now expects me to behave as she wishes. Instead I took a WIccan route. I did a brief ritual to unbind me from her, and to bind her ability to interfere and do harm to my relationship with mmy husband. In other words I took back my power and bound hers against us.

          I nade the mistake for the last time of thinking she might actually want to know the truth about what was going on. That maybe knowing how  badly the team fucked up with  his case, missing thing which could have killed him.   SHe doesn't she'd rather live in Fluffy Pink Unicorn  Land--and she is welcome to it.  Down the road I'll burn a FLuffy Pink  Unicorn in her honor.

          And I refuse to play her manipulative games. Once Ben is better and I have learned to drive again--he's free to visit her he wishes, since she's his mother--but I will not be there. I will ask him to make it clear that I odn't want her token gifts for the holidays. I am not the first daughter-in-0law who's done it.  

          The last time we mixed religion and politics people got burned at the stake.

          by irishwitch on Wed Jan 29, 2014 at 06:19:59 PM PST

          [ Parent ]

  •  So relieved at the news (9+ / 0-)

    Now comes them justifying all of their actions including why (apart of course from adding yet another line to the bill) they prescribed that Zoloft.

    Avoid SSRIs like the plague - sorry for anyone on them, they simply do not "cure" depression, they merely zone you out. I am basing that on my own experience of 30 years or so mild to severe depression (so much so that at one point I could not speak coherently through stammering) and a year when an SSRI caused an anal fissure.

    Zoloft is in a group that is banned from being prescribed in the UK for under 25s because of the side effects including violence (been there, done that at 50, ruined a relationship) and do not kick in for a month anyway. Having said that, make sure you get all the gen about the dosage and period he was given them and take independent advice about weaning him off safely.

    Best wishes and give the cats special hugs over the next couple of days - you'll be busy fussing round Ben after he gets home.

    We will work, we will play, we will laugh, we will live. We will not waste one moment, nor sacrifice one bit of our freedom, because of fear.

    by Lib Dem FoP on Wed Jan 29, 2014 at 03:14:17 PM PST

  •  Let's hope he comes home soonest. (12+ / 0-)

    Get some kitteh love.

  •  any word about help from your GP in communicating (7+ / 0-)

    with the hospital folk? I remember you saying something last post about calling him today, even if it's a no-office day??? at the very least I would think he might have something to say about the Zoloft! or is he only your GP and not Ben's???

    whatever, at least Ben understands what his mother is doing/where she's coming from, and doesn't think the junk is all coming from you!

    It does seem like you are in better shape today, your spelling tells me so, 8-)

    ((((((HUGS!!)))))) & kitty hugs, keep on taking care of yourself, and, FWIW, I'll keep on thinking "good stuff" your direction until Ben's home and things calm down to a dull roar!

    "real" work : a job where you wash your hands BEFORE you use the bathroom...

    by chimene on Wed Jan 29, 2014 at 03:32:16 PM PST

    •  He's not there on Wed., (5+ / 0-)

      We plan to make an appt with him down the road. If he were staying much longer, I would call Dr. A.  ANd I am definitely gonna work to persuade Ben to find another cardiologist--because I trust this asshole about as far as I can throw him.   Because he didn't tell ANYONE about the pneumonia, and he didn't even put blood clot in leg = [problems breathing  MIGHT= clot in lung.  He lost my confidence with the pneumonia and he lsot the rest of it by missing somethign a PA caught.

      The last time we mixed religion and politics people got burned at the stake.

      by irishwitch on Wed Jan 29, 2014 at 06:27:27 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

  •  Make sure YOU get all the discharge (14+ / 0-)

    paperwork. That from therapies, the cardiologist and the gp he's seeing while he's there. You're going to need that for referrals and follows ups, and to know what precautions you need to know about and what he can and can't do following surgery. With some heart surgery you can't push off the arms of a chair when you stand up for example (arms are not weight supporting). Don't let your MIL abscond with paperwork, and make sure you have it so you both can read it at home where things are less confusing. If you have any questions call and ask.

    "Madness! Total and complete madness! This never would've happened if the humans hadn't started fighting one another!" Londo Mollari

    by FloridaSNMOM on Wed Jan 29, 2014 at 03:40:36 PM PST

  •  Isn't there ANYBODY who you can impose on (9+ / 0-)

    for a ride to the hospital? Someone in the Wiccan community perhaps? These are the times when it's OK to reach out.

    It seems almost criminal for you to have to struggle on two fronts when caring for your husband is a more than a full-time effort.

    Anyway, keep on venting here whenever you need it.

    Hugs, hUgs, huGs, HUGS!!!!

    "Nothing happens unless first a dream. " ~ Carl Sandburg

    by davewill on Wed Jan 29, 2014 at 03:55:08 PM PST

    •  Nope. (5+ / 0-)

      The reason I feel so lonely is there isn't anyone in the friend variety.  We tried what has always worked--and it failed.  This is not a friendly place. I am stuck with her, but as one friend suggested, I am gonna simply regard as my personal chauffeur and read instead of having any conversation.

      The owrst par t of this is that I loved her once.  I still don't think she's a bad person. But I have learned that she doesn't return my affection and doesn't even want to understand me. My hsuband says that I am too simple and straightforwars which goes against the grain of Scarlett O'Hara types for whom manipulation is a way of life. They can't grasp that with me, what you see is what you get.  They keep looking for ulterior motives.

      I suck at pretense. The only times I got in trouble in school ever were the ones when I said "Yes, S'ster" but my face showed what I felt. I obeyed, but they could see I felt it was unfair.,   I've got this Irish mug that just shows EVERYTHING. That's why I don't play ppoker.

      The last time we mixed religion and politics people got burned at the stake.

      by irishwitch on Wed Jan 29, 2014 at 06:36:23 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

      •  poker (1+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        My hsuband says that I am too simple and straightforwars which goes against the grain of Scarlett O'Hara types for whom manipulation is a way of life. They can't grasp that with me, what you see is what you get.  They keep looking for ulterior motives.

        I suck at pretense. The only times I got in trouble in school ever were the ones when I said "Yes, S'ster" but my face showed what I felt. I obeyed, but they could see I felt it was unfair.,   I've got this Irish mug that just shows EVERYTHING. That's why I don't play ppoker.

        I resemble that remark!! I, too, get in trouble when manipulativity is required. I believe in ask honestly and tell the honest truth. And, like yourself, I've been penalized for that when trying to live in a society where "everything's a game"  (gak, barf, ptthooie).

        THANK ALL THE GODS the end of this ordeal is in sight!! Give yourself, Ben, and all your kitties lots of hugs and love on my behalf.

        And, yet again (yes, I know I sound like a broken record), I'm here and you know how to get in touch with me should you need.

        love -- Sean

        Anarchism is anti-capitalist, and advocates egalitarianism, mutual aid, and reciprocity, and goes back centuries. -- DailyKos User ZhenRen

        by thanatokephaloides on Wed Jan 29, 2014 at 10:25:06 PM PST

        [ Parent ]

  •  How are you dealing with the snow/ice? (5+ / 0-)

    I'm up in Chattanooga, and we are having lots of problems with the roads. All our schools closed today, and will also be tomorrow.

    •  I laughed my ass off at Nathan Deal's presser. (3+ / 0-)

      Because Snowmageddon wouldn't have been a problem if people didn't drive too fast  and run into each other.  Yeah, schools are closed.  However to someone from COnn. and ME. the lousy powdering  of snow was a joke.  My lawn was protruding through the Snow.  I did some issues getting the heat up (they use pisspoor heating systems here, pretending it never gets cold).

      The last time we mixed religion and politics people got burned at the stake.

      by irishwitch on Wed Jan 29, 2014 at 06:39:24 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

      •  snow (1+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        However to someone from COnn. and ME. the lousy powdering  of snow was a joke.  My lawn was protruding through the Snow.  
        Or CO for that matter!!   :-)

        Anarchism is anti-capitalist, and advocates egalitarianism, mutual aid, and reciprocity, and goes back centuries. -- DailyKos User ZhenRen

        by thanatokephaloides on Wed Jan 29, 2014 at 10:27:00 PM PST

        [ Parent ]

  •  Surely you plan on visiting again before (7+ / 0-)

    Ben is discharged?

    Because there are still major issues that you need to get briefed on and up to speed about before you are at home, alone, with his complicated health care needs. Don't wait until the typical confusion and bustle of discharge day. This stuff is much too important to risk missng any critical detail.

    And don't forget to keep telling everyone that you don't drive and don't have public transportation.  It's possible some kind of assistance for that can be included in Ben's discharge care plan, which would relieve you of the stress of your MiL's attitude.  But if you don't mention it, the discharge planners won't know you need it.

    Or is it possible Ben is going to be transferred to an inpatient cardiac rehab unit as a step-down from where he's at now, before he actually goes home? If that turns out to be true perhaps you can you find a good one that you can get to w/o needing your MiL to drive you?

    Some questions to ask well before discharge:

    Will he be on O2 when he leaves? How will that be provided? (Often you have to go to the O2 supplier's place of business and get that set up, and that won't happen on a weekend, I think.) What needs to be arranged about testing O2 sats at home? (The home-quality finger tip monitors are notoriously hard to get accurate reads.)

    Can he bathe or shower?

    What level or goals of walking or exercise are needed at first?

    Does he need to sleep with his upper body elevated, which can require anything from a triangular pillow (Bed, Bath and Beyond is a reliable, inexpensive source of these) to an adjustable hospital bed (You can rent these, but that takes a few days to put in place.  If ordered by the  doctor as a  patient discharge requirement, it would be covered by insurance, so that's another reason to start conferring about discharge plans right away.) Some people do sleep in a recliner for want of any other solution, but I think being able to lie down in a bed is good goal for returning to normalcy. Plus it helps forestall pressure sores from sitting in the same position 24/7.

    Do you need to monitor and record any other vitals? Do you have and know how to use a BP machine or stethescope and BP cuff?

    Do you have an accurate scale so he can weigh himself every morning?  (That's not for weight-loss reasons but to monitor his daily potential for dangerous fluid build up.)

    Which meds is he on? Dosages and frequencies and indications to watch for potential problems? Can they be used w/ OTC stuff, like the Affrin he's accustomed to taking?  You can get in really big trouble just popping OTC meds in combination with cardiac drugs.

    Wound care watchfulness and care techniques at both sites: chest and where they took the graft.

    Since you mentioned in another diary that he had had heart muscle damage, that raises the possibility he may now, and forever, have to guard against an episode of congestive heart failure.  This takes constant awareness of the earliest symptoms in order to head it off before it creates bigger problems. It also requires careful balancing of fluid intake and  much-reduced sodium in your food. So reduced that most food not specially prepared to meet your goals could precipitate a bout of CHF, or require high doses of diuretics (Lasix/furosemide) to treat. (Small tidbit of good news here: salt and other diet restrictions may make it impossible for you to ever eat you at your MiLs again - seize any minor blessings when you find them!)

    You need to have some frank conversations with his doctors or the PA about what the decrease (if any) in Ben's heart function may be.  Muscles damaged by MI do have some ability to make modest improvements in the short run, but it's more the exception than the rule that they will improve back to normal.  What you need to know is what is his ejection fraction now and what are their expectations for its improvement over the next 90 days?

    Is he being discharged with a recommendation that he have an ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator/pacemaker) put in after 90 days?  If so, is he being discharged with an extrernally-worn defibrillator (Life Vest)  to protect him in the meantime? (My husband wore one of these for a couple of years, and they take good teaching to use correctly.) In many ways he's at his highest statstical risk of another heart attack in the first couple of months.

    And aside from all this info, you need to come to grips with his much-altered dietary regimen.  This will include carb-watching to manage the diabetes and,  obviously, a good fat/low fat and lower cholesterol diet to ward of recurrence of blockages.  Depending on which kind of cardiac drugs and which bloodthinners he's on you may also be facing some really complex and hard to work with food/drug interactions.  I'm really hoping that you don't have to deal with Coumadin (or its generic, warfarin sodium) because that has the most difficult dietary complications.  

    And then there's the sodium restrictions which go along with any compromise in heart function.  This requires careful monitoring of fluid intake, watchfulness about the signs of an incipient build-up and very reduced dietary sodium in order not allow any build-up of fluid in Ben's lungs. The lower sodium will also help lower his BP, but the reduction in sodium goes way beyond what is normally used for reducing BP alone. Once you know your target mg. of sodium/day, I can help with suggestions for how to meet that goal, and still eat good-tasting food.  Don't let any well-meaning, but uninformed, person tell you that reducing sodium isn't necessary.  If you are told you need to limit sodium to avoid CHF, it's not a suggestion, it's a vital, life or death issue.

    Well, anyway, as you can see from this lengthy list that it's not the same as just getting the sort of one-page discharge handout given to people with less complex needs.  The transfer of his care to you at this stage will put a tremendous burden on you to do the kind of skilled nursing that formerly was done in a hospital.  Even if you have couple-of-times -per-week home care nurse visits, or even daily ones, you will still have a big task in front of you, because after a serious, damaging MI everything is changed.

    Don't put this off until the day of discharge, you will need much more preparation than that as it is a huge amount to take in and then alter about your lifestyle.  After all, within hours of his arrival at home you are going to need to be able to provide acceptable food. And for most people that means almost nothing they ate or cooked before can be used without some considerable alterations of kind or another. Since you don't drive you may need extra time to lay in acceptable food and supplies.

    To help you sort the diet issues out, I'd rank the urgency of the dietary demands in your head: I would put complete dietary prohibitions due to interactions with the drugs as the top concern (e.g.. often no cranberry or grapefruit or other specific bans). These are the easiest to work with because they aren't "reduce," they are flat-out prohibitions.

    Then, I'd say Coumadin/warfarin (one class of blood thinners, others are different) - if Ben is taking it  -dietary restrictions at the next level because those can  create problems in a matter of hours with certain food choices.  And for sure, you don't want Ben to get another clot or thrombus!

    Then, for me,  salt levels slightly edge-out sugar/carb concerns, though both can have a dangerous effect within several hours to a day.  Both are very demanding regimens, so be prepared for extra effort on them. They take determination to see them through, willingness to scrap your former eating habits for a more-limited diet until you figure out substitutions for salt (but NOT salt "subsitutes" which are actually worse) and sugars used in cooking.  These may take continuing consutations with dieticians to work out.  I will say that the day I figured out how to achieve a tasty, but acceptable level, pepperoni pizza was a red-letter day in our house!

    Below the ones above I would place low fat/ good fat and lowering cholesterol issues.  These are very important but they are longer term risks, so not as urgent.  And frankly there is only so much change you can cope with in the kitchen - and get your husband to eat - at once.  There may also be a complete ban on alcohol, of any kind, at least for a while.

    And be prepared for a certain level of teh stupid when the dietary things are presented: "Use good fats",  they will earnestly advise. Good idea, except one of the commonest-recs for good fat is high quality olive oil.  Which has a quite a bad effect if you're also taking Coumadin, so for that reason crappier fats are somewhat better.  This sort of contradictory stuff drove me WILD.

    I found that though my husband had pretty much the same discharge, dietary and after care briefings as I did, that he didn't retain much of the info.  It wasn't mental woozziness, but more just a typically masculine attitude towards domestic and home-nursing details. If I hadn't taken detailed notes, we would have been SOL a few times if we had based our decisions on what he recalled from the instructions. Ben needs the detailed-oriented librarian to receive, organize and act on all the things you'll be told about his care which would probably take weeks in nursing school to cover.

    I do hope Ben continues to improve and will be home with you soon, but a too-early or an unprepared-for discharge is not worth the risk.  In the meantime, I can be reached at Kosmail, and would be happy to share what I've learned about cooking, and living well, within these complicated limitations.

    Keeping you both in my thoughts.


    •  I CAN'T visit him without puttiong up with MiL. (4+ / 0-)

      NO rehab. He is coming home to our house. And he had been getting briefings and classes (to which I was not invited) and has been sleeping in a pretty flat position with no screeching fromt he staff. ANd no, this is the SOuth (think Rand Paul and Paul Ryan's attitudes) where you get almost no help on anything. They might send a PT to help once a week--but I kinda doubt that,

      Good questions--but the hospital doesn't seem to want to inclide the spouses on anything. They had idiotic videos.  I asked Ben were they worth my watching the,/ He told me they frankly insulting and that the level of stupidity would amke me throw something--and my communications background would make me gag at the poor production.

      I'll do what I can--but this is NOT a cooperative hospital or state. I learned that when they gave me TWP HOURS to select a nursing home.

      The last time we mixed religion and politics people got burned at the stake.

      by irishwitch on Wed Jan 29, 2014 at 06:45:45 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

      •  Well, OK, as far as that goes (3+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        chimene, thanatokephaloides, Sylv

        But you NEED accurate info, even if it's insultingly dumbed-down for the more "typical" patient and family.

        The reason they dumb it down is a desperate attempt to get the seriousness of the situation explained to everybody, no matter what their education level.  

        Try to call and talk to the discharge planner assigned to Ben.  It's her job to get things organized because if Ben goes home and is re-admitted right away the hospital will be penalized.  They have a financial interest in this, believe me.

        Cardiac readmissions are a special benchmark situation under the ACA. They can affect the bottom line. (Screw the effect on people, you know how money talks!)

        And anyway, what they do in the South doesn't mean a tinker's damn, because you have Tri-Care, right? That's what will determine your benefits.

        At the very least in order to enable you to ask here for the best collective Kos help, explanations, clarifications, advice,  etc., you need to know about Ben's status and risk for heart failure, possibility of a second heart attack, medication issues, etc.

        And, truly, I am not exagerating the importance of dietary issues.  Of all the things we had to face - and they were as big as those you and Ben face - the one that required the most concerted, sustained, effort was understanding and putting in place the food changes we needed to make. The hospital did the regular  post-MI, pre-discharge, training (and it was dumbed-down to the lowest level, I agree with Ben's assessment) for us. I still keep in touch with the trainer and she later told me it typically takes a couple of re-hospitalizations due to congestive heart failure crises for the "average" reduced heart-function patient to really accept and work within the guidelines. And each crisis comes with the risk of further damage to the patient's heart and kidneys, in a terrible, worsening, spiral.

        I made up my mind early on that a food-prompted crisis was NOT going to happen on my watch, and in nearly five years, it never has. To such an extent that my husband no longer has to take some of the typical meds - which was my ultimate goal. I'm not going to tell you it was easy - and it wasn't all me, my husband had to deal with it too -  but weighed against seeing my beloved husband gray-faced and gasping for breath, essentially drowning in his own fluids, I knew I would do anything on this Earth to prevent it. As I am sure you would, as well.

        But you have to find out what you need to do, before you can do it. And you may have to figure out a way to suck it up and deal with the unsatisfactory system in order to learn to give your husband the care he needs right now.  Wouldn't you expect that of him if the tables were turned?  I know I would of my husband, (even though one of our cats would probably be more adept home-nursing than he is.)

        If you can't get transport to the hospital, then I urge you to call tomorrow and start a conversation about the discharge and all that that means for you. You can easily use your not being able to drive to the hospital as an excuse to get one-on-one phone consults.

        As always, feel free to Kosmail me, if it would help. The heart attack did not just happen to Ben, it happened to you, too. I know that very well.

        Keeping you both in my thoughts,


        PS: We fired our first, unsympatico cardiologist, too, as soon as we could. It was a such a pleasure!  But we only did that after we had searched for a doc we liked(and rejected a few interim possibilities).

        PPS2: Use my list of questions when talking with the discharge planner to start to tease out the info you need.

        PPS3: After rereading your response to my question about whether Ben needs to have a raised bed: it's not the doctors who would require this, but rather, Ben, for his own comfort.  It's fairly common in his circs. that he might feel a sensation of being short of breath if he lies down flat, which will be relieved by having his upper body on a slight slant.  (In really bad cases, the person can't stand to lie down even for a few minutes, they feel like they are suffocating; thankfully that doesn't sound like Ben!)  You could ask Ben if he could try lying down completely flat to sleep and if he's OK - then you don't need to worry about it.  If he's more comfortable on a slight slant there are work arounds, but the large triangular pillow that they sell (@$10-12, the last time I bought one) at B,B,B may be all he needs to rest peacefully in his own bed with you and the pooties beside him. I could find a link to it on their website, so you can see what I mean.

        Ok, enough!!

        •  I nneed accurate info (2+ / 0-)
          Recommended by:
          thanatokephaloides, chimene

          I odn't need stuff that's been so dumbed down as this .

          Actually I did a klittle research via some mudicak sites --intednded for thoracic docs, not th epiuloc. I losed one very important facts.  Penujopnia  I kkew ws the most connon side effect of the surgery< It is also very preventable IF they give antibiocs within 48 hours post surgery. They sat on their hands for  ten dsy.d Frankly I odn't think much of theri standard of care,.

          The last time we mixed religion and politics people got burned at the stake.

          by irishwitch on Wed Jan 29, 2014 at 10:19:47 PM PST

          [ Parent ]

  •  Does Ben have any friends that you can ask for (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    chimene, Sylv

    a ride? It might be very important for you to be involved in the discharge planning. Ben suffered extremely serious surgery along with pneumonia and clots. His recovery is going to take a lot of time and effort. You need to know what to expect.

  •  I've noticed that as the night gets later, your (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:

    typing gets worse. That could be the valium or it could be something else. Maybe it's something to get checked out.

  •  Glad to hear he might be home soon (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:

    Continuing to keep you both in my thoughts.

    Shop Kos Katalogue
    I’m a feminist because the message is still "don’t get raped" not "don’t rape"

    by Avilyn on Thu Jan 30, 2014 at 09:23:25 AM PST

  •  5pm Sunday afternoon (Feb 2) - anybody know (0+ / 0-)

    if IW & Ben are OK? It seems like it's been a LONG time, but it's really only about 3 days? no comments, either, since Wed. nite...

    she could just be VERY busy getting Ben settled in at home, or she could be having computer problems... those are what I'm crossing my fingers for!

    I don't know what any of us could do but I'm getting nervous at not hearing anything for so long. even if she (or anyone who knows ANYthing) could just pop up a note here, without writing a whole new diary...

    (((((((((((irishwitch & Ben))))))))))

    "real" work : a job where you wash your hands BEFORE you use the bathroom...

    by chimene on Sun Feb 02, 2014 at 05:16:06 PM PST

Subscribe or Donate to support Daily Kos.

Click here for the mobile view of the site