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No, this has nothing to do with the Superb Owl, or the President finding his backbone or all of the other things I missed today.  It's not even a GBCW diary.  It's just that I will most likely be off Kos (oh no!) for the rest of the week and hopefully not much longer than that.  You see, today I woke up to find out I was almost totally blind in my left eye.  I'd be ok with that if I didn't know what I was facing, but I lost my right retina about 6 years ago, so I know what comes next.

                                                 Peel Me an Orange Please

Up to 8 weeks flat on my face while what is left of my retina heals after surgery.  Think about that...2 months FLAT on your face, no TV, no books, NO KOS, and you can't lift anything at ALL for at least 2 weeks........I'll wait.  Are you breathing again yet?  Good.  The crux of my problem is not that the sight in that eye will be reduced to b/w, though believe me, that's enough when you're a reader and writer like I am.  The simple fact of it being my left eye makes road trips of the future into a fantasy. The bad part is, like a lot of Americans of my era, the tail of the baby boomers i.e. I'm over 50 and not getting younger.  Many of us don't have a partner, spouse or whatever to help care for us and those of us that do find that the current work environment doesn't lend itself to having someone take time off to care for someone.  Seriously, who can afford it?  Family Medical Leave Act you say?  Might as well call it what it is, F My Life Act.  And if you're not already financially strapped, this will do it to you, guaranteed.

But Medicare/Medicaid provides in home care if it's needed, you say.  Right, try getting a doctor to 1) order that for you and 2) fight your insurance company in order to get it for you all because of a little clause.......and it ain't Santa.  Insurance clauses don't bring anything for free except High Blood Pressure, Migraines, Phone Ear and Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.  Their little clause says something along these lines: "If there is a reasonable expectation of family members caring for the patient, that route must be thoroughly pursued before any kind of home health care is authorized.  And TriCare, the people who "protect" our military families is the same.  And so we come to what I like to call:

                                                  The Myth of Spousal Support

You can be married and still not be in a supportive relationship.  In fact, today when I got up and realized that I was mostly blind in one eye, I had to call all over the place to find a doctor who would come in to see me to see if it was a detachment so that I could be referred (f'ing insurance) to a hospital.  My spousal unequivalency could, if he had so chosen, paid attention to what was going on in the house, but he was holed up upstairs with TV and computer.  When I got back from the optometrist with the referral, he was leaving, then coming in, then leaving again.  He talked to my daughter, who'd heard the news and driven into town and knew what was what, but he left anyway right after the ice storm to "go for a drive".  Without saying one word to me, at ALL.  So, my son cancelled his date for the night, and has been "paying" for that all day from his gf.  I was in the ER for over 5 hours before I heard from the "spousal equivalent" via text, "What's going on?".  Take a wild guess as to what time he posted? ~hint 43-8~ Let's see, I'm in an ER, do I have my phone on me? Am I even allowed to have the phone on?  No. is the correct answer.  So I didn't get the text until nearly 1130pm when they decided to let me go because, in my case, what's done is done and it's all cosmetic from here on in.  I've been home 2 hours now and still nothing.  Oh he bumped into me on the stairs as I am feeling my way up looking like someone from "Black Sails".  "What'd you go to the hospital for?" from the first landing as he went into the kitchen and I know he can't hear.  He's been past our door 3 or 4 times since then and nothing.  So, I have resigned myself to my kids having to take time out of their schedules and school and work etc. to help me out.  I won't demand it of them, don't have to I don't think.  I hope I raised them right, but also, I can't expect them to ruin their lives to take care of me.  FML truly is how I feel about things right now.  I am so tired of this kind of crap in my life.  If you're a Seahawks fan, you're to f'd to read this, but I"m sorry if I bummed you out.  If not, look at it this way, someone somewhere has it worse than multi-millionaires who play football.
 And so it goes........


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Comment Preferences

  •  Tip Jar (17+ / 0-)

    ~Arianna_Editrix-- I willingly accept Cassandra’s fate, To speak the truth, altho’ believ’d too late

    by Arianna Editrix on Sun Feb 02, 2014 at 11:15:52 PM PST

  •  So sorry (8+ / 0-)

    about the whole situation. What a mess.

    Hope and pray things get better. Maybe there are kossacks in your area who might help?

    I must be dreaming...

    by murphy on Sun Feb 02, 2014 at 11:31:54 PM PST

  •  I understand too well (7+ / 0-)

    We're of a similar age.  My condition (pseudotumor cerebri with crushed optic nerves) has caused me the permanent loss of vision in my left eye, I have about 40-50% of my vision remaining in my right, which means I don't qualify as legally blind, although the total loss of my left eye means I have poorer vision than many "legally blind".  I can't drive anymore, can no longer work, I've had to move in with my sister who already had half the adults in my family living here.  I don't have a spouse or "spousal equivalent", there's so many things that have to be done, and many of them I simply have no way of doing.  It's frustrating, humiliating, I've always taken care of myself (being disfigured I've always been alone, but I was able to carve out a decent life by myself.  Now my aloneness is actively destructive.)  Good luck with your surgery, best wishes on getting your sight back, I do know how miserable it is, it makes everything, to lose it.

    "Power concedes nothing without a demand. It never did and it never will." ~Frederick Douglass

    by ActivistGuy on Sun Feb 02, 2014 at 11:54:59 PM PST

  •  I am very, very sorry to hear this (5+ / 0-)

    Eight weeks is a horribly long time, but I hope when that is past you do well.

    Thank you for sharing so we can send good thoughts your way.

    Can you get audible books to help pass the time?

    Join us at Bookflurries-Bookchat on Wednesday nights 8:00 PM EST

    by cfk on Mon Feb 03, 2014 at 12:27:16 AM PST

  •  Something sounds wrong with your husband and (4+ / 0-)

    that is what you tell insurance, what is wrong with your spousal unit.
    I'm sure kids are aware of it and maybe others if it needs backing up. That is more than just some selfish indifference He won't do it, maybe can't do it, someone has to.
    I assume something is wrong with him. You don't have to answer to me but otherwise seems you'd do more than ignore him and tell him he has to come through for a while, he can prove his indifference later.
    But the fact that he should if he could means little if he won't. They won't force you to be at the mercy of someone who has none, but you have to push your case.

    Flat on your face? Can you use your good eye, arrange some sort of cut out to read large print or watch something. There is audio books of course and great pod casts via internet radio

    You don't have to answer this either but eating and the all important tasks of elimination... from flat on your face...
    that's tough to imagine the how of.

    I know the ache of needing help and not having that.  Even just needing it has been a wretched life lesson for one who has been so independent

    Lifewould be easier if we were princesses.

    •  He won't (0+ / 0-)

      Not can't as in incapable, won't as in, when I asked him why he texted me in the middle of the night to find out why I was in hospital (after I was home and he could have just asked me or the kids) and that I had to go back this morning for surgery.......and I quote, "Fuck you, I'm tired of your fucking attitude bitch!" as he stomped up the stairs.  As in, he hates me (no, don't know why, never did anything wrong to him at ALL) and would leave me in a hot second if it wouldn't make him "look like the bad guy".

      ~Arianna_Editrix-- I willingly accept Cassandra’s fate, To speak the truth, altho’ believ’d too late

      by Arianna Editrix on Mon Feb 03, 2014 at 10:40:43 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

  •  From a complete stranger... (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    SuWho, Calamity Jean, Arianna Editrix

    A simple wish that you'll enjoy as complete (or, at least, as acceptable) a recovery as possible.

    Take some comfort in my own discovery, in the wake of an unexpected family betrayal, that this world has a quota of scumbags to fill... and they have to come from somewhere.


  •  my mother had a detached retina (4+ / 0-)

    for the last 10 years of her life and her vision was negatively affected.  if there had been a surgical solution or even just help, i would have done anything to be with her through it.  i am sure your children will be there for you too.  sorry your mr is such a let down.  i hope you recover quickly and thoroughly and can resume your life.

  •  Good social worker can advocate for you (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:

    to get past the "family members have to do it" clause. It's at least worth making some phone calls and asking the doctor's office person who coordinates after-care to be your ally.

    Is there a local Association for the Blind that might have services available for you, whether it's loan of an audio book player or rides to your appointments?

    I went through cancer treatment many years ago with a non-supportive spouse. (I went to radiation every day; he knew I'd be gone for two hours, so went off to his girlfriend's house. . . .The marriage did not survive.) In hindsight, I realize that a lot of people (mostly women-friends) offered me help, including one who offered to have me come stay with them for a week after my second surgery, and I brushed them aside. I should have said "yes, thank you!" to every offer, and then figured out afterward how to repay them or pay it forward.

    If you add your location to this diary, any Kossacks who are in your area may be able to offer either direct help, or more local suggestions for where to find it. People are also good at prayers/good wishes for healing, no matter where they are. Let us know.

    •  As a former hospice nurse.... (0+ / 0-)

      I've seen just this thing and it always made me want to give the cancer to the person who was an asshole to the patient!  I am so sorry you had to go through this alone.  And I'm glad you're not alone anymore.  Thanks for all the good vibes......go back later today for post op......finger's X'd.

      ~Arianna_Editrix-- I willingly accept Cassandra’s fate, To speak the truth, altho’ believ’d too late

      by Arianna Editrix on Mon Feb 03, 2014 at 10:43:11 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

  •  Wow. Get a fucking divorce. nt (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Arianna Editrix
    •  Some might find this (0+ / 0-)

      to be a less than helpful comment.

    •  Hmmmm.......Great Idea! (0+ / 0-)

      Have you a K you can lend me?  I'd file myself but a house is involved and in IL, that means a lawyer has to be involved and they run 1K for uncontested.  I don't want the house, but I have to have someplace to go to.  Believe me, the eye going out was not "part of the escape plan" as being dependent on people is not my idea of fun in the first place.  Being dependent on undependable people is feckin' HORRID!

      ~Arianna_Editrix-- I willingly accept Cassandra’s fate, To speak the truth, altho’ believ’d too late

      by Arianna Editrix on Mon Feb 03, 2014 at 10:45:44 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

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