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Last night, Stephen Colbert mocked the efforts of a Kentucky church giving away guns to lure people back to church in a segment that's sure to offend the NRA crowd.

But these days, all of that is just intangible, and these days, people want something more.  (Searching For A Firepower)  Plus, giving out free guns is consistent with Christ's message.  (Piece Be With You)  (audience laughter)

As McAlister reminds us:

CHUCK McALISTER (3/3/2014): [Jesus] was pretty handy with the whip when he ran the money-changers out of the temple.
(audience groans)

Yes, remember, Jesus uses a whip in that gospel story.  ("Jesus Christ And The Temple Of Doom")  (audience laughter)  But folks, people in Kentucky don't use whips.  (Since 1865)  (shocked audience response)

Video and full transcript below the fold.

Gay marriage is legal in 17 states, medical or recreational marijuana is legal in 20 states, and in Colorado, you can now legally marry your bong.

(audience laughter and applause)

You may now toke the bride.

And folks, I think I know why.  Because according to a recent study of American churches, a quarter of all congregations had fewer than 50 people in the pews.  Leading to the new childhood game: Here's the church, here's the steeple, open the doors, there's like 6 people in there at most.  (audience laughter and applause)  That's not a lot.

And it's particularly bad among men.  According to a recent ABC/TCBY/BDSM poll, while 45% of American women go to church each week, only 34% of men do.

Luckily, there's a way to bring men back into the fold, and it brings us to tonight's Wørd: Pew!  Pew!  Pew!

Folks, America is no less of a Christian nation than it's ever been, but unfortunately the old methods of putting butts in the hardwood seats don't work.  Just ask Kentucky Baptist Convention's Chuck McAlister, who recently said:

CHUCK McALISTER (3/3/2014): The day of hanging a banner in front of your church and saying you're having a revival and expecting the community to show up is over.
Exactly.  A banner doesn't cut it anymore.  You've got to at least try a Jesus blowy man.

(audience laughter and applause)

Now, McAlister has a much better way to get men into church.

CHUCK McALISTER: Hello, I'm Chuck McAlister, host of the television show Adventurebound Outdoors, and we're excited that we're going to be in the Padukah area at Loneoak First Baptist Church on Thursday, March the 6th, and you don't want to miss it.  Free admission, free steak dinner, and get this, 25 guns being given away.
(shocked audience cheering and applause)

25 guns!  Come on!  No other religion out there's going to be able to compete with free steaks and guns.  What are the Hindus going to offer?  A bowl of chickpeas, and the knowledge that in a previous life, you were a bowl of chickpeas?  (The Falafel Truth)

You see, folks, people used to go to church for a lot of reasons.  (Free Wine!)  They would go for a sense of community, upholding traditions, finding answers to life's biggest questions.  (F**king Magnets, How Do They Work?)  (audience laughter and applause)

But these days, all of that is just intangible, and these days, people want something more.  (Searching For A Firepower)  Plus, giving out free guns is consistent with Christ's message.  (Piece Be With You)  (audience laughter)

As McAlister reminds us:

CHUCK McALISTER (3/3/2014): [Jesus] was pretty handy with the whip when he ran the money-changers out of the temple.
(audience groans)

Yes, remember, Jesus uses a whip in that gospel story.  ("Jesus Christ And The Temple Of Doom")  (audience laughter)  But folks, people in Kentucky don't use whips.  (Since 1865)  (shocked audience response)

No, people in Kentucky, they use guns.  They love guns.  As McAlister knows that if you want to reach them, you need to speak gun.  (Pow-Wow)  Or, as McAlister puts it:

CHUCK McALISTER (3/3/2014): Hunting is huge in Kentucky. ... So we get in there and burp and scratch and talk about the right to bear arms and that stuff.
Yes, you've got to burp and scratch about God.  Like the well-known evangelist, Larry the Cable Saint.  (Git 'Er Blessed!)  (audience laughter and applause)

But you know what else guys love other than steaks and guns?  (Overcompensating?)  Guys love strippers and unlimited shrimp.  I say just fill in the baptismal font with cocktail sauce, swap out that giant cross for a brass pole, and switch out that collection basket for a collection G-string.  (Twerk The Other Cheeck)  (audience cheering and applause)

Now, this might not... the truth is this might not be all kosher with the Bible's teachings.  By the way, Jews, you know what would really get guys into the synagogue?  Grilled pork chops.  (The Chosen White Meat)

But bottom line, you gotta bring home to Jesus by any means necessary, even if that means weapons.  Remember, Jesus said "all those who take up the sword shall perish by the sword."  (Matthew 26:52)

And if churches give out enough weapons, we can bring a lot of people home to Jesus for good.  (Pew!  Pew!  Pew!)  And that's the Wørd.  We'll be right back.

Stephen also looked at how atheists want to remove the steel cross at the 9/11 Memorial Museum.
Meanwhile, Jon had a hilarious segment on CPAC and how the NRA's Wayne LaPierre tried to paint the most frightening depiction of America he could to get his base riled up.
Jon then looked at all that Pope Francis has done in his first year.
Stephen talked with astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson, who got two segments, and Jon talked with author Paul Taylor.

Originally posted to BruinKid on Tue Mar 11, 2014 at 07:45 AM PDT.

Also republished by My Old Kentucky Kos, Daily Kos, Repeal or Amend the Second Amendment (RASA), and Electronic America: Progressives Film, music & Arts Group.

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