As if Americans did not have enough to worry about on tax day 2014, today the FBI has released a disturbing new finding:
WASHINGTON—Putting the nation on alert against what it has described as a “highly credible terrorist threat,” the FBI announced today that it has uncovered a plot by members of al-Qaeda to sit back and enjoy themselves while the United States collapses of its own accord.
The news comes after clandestine surveillance has exposed that terror cells around the globe have been colluding to not give a fuck for many months.
“We have intercepted electronic communication indicating that al-Qaeda members are actively plotting to stay out of the way while America as we know it gradually crumbles under the weight of its own self-inflicted debt and disrepair,” FBI Deputy Director Mark F. Giuliano told the assembled press corps.
With the impacts of climate change, partisan backbiting, apathy, crumbling infrastructure, and weapons of mass distraction effectively dismembering the world's only superpower, al Qaeda has been stockpiling its supplies of give a shit for years.
Ali Muhammad, a Yemeni youth who sympathizes with al Qaeda was heard to say that he "was interested in getting involved with a suicide bombing attack on U.S. interests, but if it ain't fixed, don't break it."
The FBI has also warned that numerous al-Qaeda agents may have established sleeper cells for the purpose of “getting a kick out of” the nation’s downfall on American soil. The bureau urged U.S. residents to use caution around schools, hospitals, legislative bodies, prisons, and other decaying institutions whose imminent failure terrorists may wish to observe up close.
Intelligence included in the report has shown that al Qaeda has been shifting its resources to decks of cards, board games, X-boxes and other indoor activities to cut their costs on the training of its members.
"Those monkey bars and other training facility equipment are not cost-effective in the face of the imminent need to do nothing," one intercepted transmission was heard to say (translated from the original Urdu).
Americans are advised to report any suspicious-looking individuals who may be involved in these latest efforts. Anyone not looking overly interested in doing anything should be reported to Homeland Security immediately.