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Last night, Bill Maher closed with a New Rule on what Colorado needs to do now that pot has been legalized there.

So Colorado, don't sell keef to novices, talk to customers like a pharmacist would — after all, we are pretending this is medicine — and mostly, stop selling pot products that look like children's candy.  (audience applause)

That's not what stoners would do.  That's what RJ Reynolds would do.

Video and full transcript below the fold.


And finally, New Rule: Now that the people of Colorado have legalized pot for everybody — and not just for longtime sufferers of... um... whatever it is I have (audience laughter) — they must realize, they are the Jackie Robinson of marijuana legislation.  (audience cheering)  Which is why they can't go all Cheech & Chong on us.  You guys have to get this right, or it's gonna ruin it for everybody.  So embrace it.  Be the Jackie Robinson of pot.

(audience applause)

Now, I bring this up because New York Times Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist Maureen Dowd recently had a bad pot trip in a Colorado hotel room.  And it raised important issues, like, Maureen, you finally decided to do pot, and you didn't ask me to guide you through it?  I'm hurt.  It's like being personal friends with Hercules and not asking him to help you move.  (audience laughter)

I mean, I think you know my credentials, OK?  I was #1 on High Times magazine's list of pot comics in 2006.

(audience cheering and applause)

I should've also totally won in '99; I had an amazing year.  I also won High Times' best cable news show in '07 when they said, "When it comes to Cannabis advocacy on television, no one can touch Bill Maher."  (audience cheering and applause)

I was the keynote speaker at the 2002 NORML convention.  I was College Party Guru's #4 celebrity pothead of all time.  (audience cheering and applause)  And I am the proud owner of this trophy.  This is real.

Presented to me.  OK, sent to me in the mail, commemorating my induction into the Jose Cuervo Party Hall of Fame in 2000.  (audience cheering and applause)  OK?

I have spilled more pot than most of you have smoked!

So I believe I have the gravitas to offer some advice to Colorado, and everyone on saving this experiment in personal freedom.

And the first rule is, don't mix pot with alcohol.  It doesn't make it better cuz it's two good things.  It's like funny porn, it actually... (audience laughter) it actually makes both awful!  Even more important, if you've never had pot, don't eat it the first time.  Oh God, it's so much more intense when you eat it.  It would be like losing your virginity to Ron Jeremy.  (audience laughter)

And it's dangerous, since edibles look just like regular food.  So a newbie sees a pot brownie, and thinks, "one brownie, one serving".  Or, being an American, "six brownies, one serving".  Now, if you do eat it, remember, it takes time.  So stop watching the clock.  Just relax, and trust me, in a couple hours you'll be saying, "You're doing a heckuva job, Brownie!"  (audience laughter)

Now I personally don't eat it because it makes me paranoid.  And nothing ruins a party like people who are paranoid and delusional — just ask the Republicans.  (wild audience cheering and applause)

But if you do eat it and get paranoid, this is important: stay out of the bathroom!  I don't know why, but paranoid people want to be in the bathroom.  I guess they think they'll be closer to emergency facilities like a sink.  But they wind up cowering like Oscar Pistorius is on the other side of the door.  (shocked audience response)

Oh, and if you are in the bathroom, don't look in the mirror!  Just don't.  You see, one reason why pot is productive for creative people is it allows you to see things you've long grown accustomed to, as if for the first time.  But don't try it with your face!  (audience laughter)

Finally, stay away from stuff that's only for veteran smokers.  Pot stores sell these super-concentrated pot crystals called keef

that longtime stoners add to their pot because they're jaded.  But this stuff is dangerous.  It's harvested directly from Willie Nelson's beard.  (audience laughter and applause)  And it should not be sold to novices.

So Colorado, don't sell keef to novices, talk to customers like a pharmacist would — after all, we are pretending this is medicine — and mostly, stop selling pot products that look like children's candy.

(audience applause)

That's not what stoners would do.  That's what RJ Reynolds would do.

(audience applause)

We don't want to market it to children, and I'm sure parents don't want their kids on pot.  Adderall?  Sure.  (audience laughter)  Lithium, Lexapro, Klonopin, why not?  Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft, of course.

But pot is the new kid; it has to play it safe.  Let's not throw the baby out with the bongwater.  (audience laughter)  And let's all of us remember, you don't need to do drugs to have a good time.  But why take chances?

Originally posted to BruinKid on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 05:00 AM PDT.

Also republished by DKos Cannabis Law and Drug War Reform and Electronic America: Progressives Film, music & Arts Group.

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Comment Preferences

  •  I was not really thriilled about the (7+ / 0-)

    "Don't mix pot with alcohol" bit. But upon some reflection I realize that is a pronouncement for novices, of which there may be quite a number.

    I don't drink as a general rule. Once in awhile I might enjoya shot or two of nice tequila. That's it. I have no problem mixing that with toking, but then, I despise being 'actually intoxicated' and out of control of my senses. Hate it. So I may not really count.

    Selling weed to kids" who REALLY think this is acceptable? Anybody?

    Bueller?

    Unsure how to keep newbies from keef. Do we need to brag about past exploits before we can buy it?

    Then there was that time we made brownies out of that weed we got from Ecuador!

    I smoked with Willie Nelson.

    Unsure.

    And Maher did my little bit: Here - give these drugs to your kids, but freak out when they smoke weed. (Again, nobody is going to support kids smoking pot, but they sure are quick to slap kids on upper and downers).

    Legal means "good".
    [41984 | Feb 4, 2005]

    by xxdr zombiexx on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 05:17:08 AM PDT

    •  Mixing drugs is mixing drugs. (3+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      xxdr zombiexx, blugrlnrdst, gffish

      While Colorado is selling marijuana for recreational use as well as medicinal use, Bill Maher is making a good point.

      Most states that are 'experimenting' with marijuana sales are doing so under the guise of medicinal use.

      You should not consume marijuana with alcohol any more than it would be recommended to consume, let's say, halcyon with alcohol.

      The experiment in Amsterdam was that you could go into a COFFEE Shop to buy and smoke marijuana - alcohol was not on the menu.

      Too many people believe that marijuana is innocuous enough to be consumed with alcohol, but as Bill basically said, if you are buying the 'good stuff' at a dispensary, consuming marijuana along with alcohol can just be too dangerous for the average consumer.

      Moreover, I totally agree that packaging marijuana to look like candy is bound to have the unintended consequence of accidental consumption and overdose, particularly for children.  After all, a 'stoner' is more likely to consume more candy bars than they would typically do, and marijuana laced candy bars are just an accident waiting to happen.

      If people want the marijuana debate to be that pot is safer than alcohol, we must promote responsible consumption patterns that are, well, responsible.

      For those willing to suggest that hallucinations from pot are not dangerous, why consume it in the first place.

      I do not always agree with Bill Maher, but he absolutely correct.    There is nothing funny about consuming drugs, even pot can be dangerous.

      •  Coffee's always called a drug, too. ;) (4+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        cotterperson, RMForbes, scott5js, paz3
        Most states that are 'experimenting' with marijuana sales are doing so under the guise of medicinal use.
        Hopefully that can cease sometime in the near future: we should be able to acquire it for whatever reason - it has 10000 uses.

        On the other hand, once legal, people can market it as they wish, in lieu of any other regulation, I suppose.

        If people want the marijuana debate to be that pot is safer than alcohol, we must promote responsible consumption patterns that are, well, responsible.
        Pot IS safer than alcohol by an order of several magnitudes... but, again, I agree with expectations and enforcement of responsible conduct.

        If I can do it....

        1) Moreover, I totally agree that packaging marijuana to look like candy is bound to have the unintended consequence of accidental consumption and overdose, particularly for children.  

        2) After all, a 'stoner' is more likely to consume more candy bars than they would typically do, and marijuana laced candy bars are just an accident waiting to happen.

        (1) Couldn't agree more PLUS legal means "more responsible" - Big Candy is suing them for copyright infringement. As they should.

        I love stoner humor, and I hope for its resurgence, but I think it is a potential hazard for intoxicants to be marketed as candy.

        (2) I'm not real thrilled with your portrayal of 'stoners', but yeah, this IS a time to 'think of the children'.

        For those willing to suggest that hallucinations from pot are not dangerous, why consume it in the first place.
        If I have ever had a genuine hallucination from pot I can't remember it.

        And I can remember some times of getting really stoned.

        Legal means "good".
        [41984 | Feb 4, 2005]

        by xxdr zombiexx on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 07:34:56 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

      •  Like the Deep End of the Swimming Pool (2+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        gffish, xxdr zombiexx

        Mebbe, we should devise a test like lifeguards use in swimming pools to see if kids swim well enough to go in the deep end?

        Just be excellent to everyone, OK?

        by pittgreg on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 08:12:52 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

  •  Funny and important. (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    pittgreg

    It really is a drug, especially high-THC hyperbreeds. Treat it accordingly.

    I live under the bridge to the 21st Century.

    by Crashing Vor on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 05:41:09 AM PDT

    •  That's not really true (0+ / 0-)

      It is possible to use a strain of cannabis that has a very high concentration of THC without getting very high at all if that strain of cannabis also has a very high concentration of CBD. What is really important in producing a strong or mellow THC high is not just the concentration of THC alone. It's the ratio of CBD to THC because CBD moderates the THC high. If the strain of cannabis has more CBD than THC no matter how much THC it has it will not produce a strong  intense high. In fact, in ratios approaching 2:1 CBD to THC will not produce any high at all.

      Really don't mind if you sit this one out. My words but a whisper -- your deafness a SHOUT. I may make you feel but I can't make you think..Jethro Tull

      by RMForbes on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 10:53:55 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  Sorry Bill (4+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    terrybuck, RMForbes, Lencialoo, scott5js

    but pot is medicine for many and not recreation.  His attitude is what has been holding vital help away from millions.  Not all of us want to get high and act like it is medicinal.  Because of the prohibition on the useful and wonderful plant, we don't even know how much it could be helping the sick and ailing. I resent my kid as being labeled as an excuse to get high.

    Everyone! Arms akimbo! 68351

    by tobendaro on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 05:45:24 AM PDT

    •  Your post makes no sense, other than outrage (2+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      Demeter Rising, valion
      •  When I bring up (1+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        RMForbes

        my son's successful use of marijuana for seizure control many people say they don't want it to be legal because they don't think people should get high.  Makes no sense to me why anyone cares if another gets high but this attitude fucks all the people over who need marijuana. Bill is perpetrating that attitude by acting like people who get high say it is for medicinal use when all they want to do is get high. Marijuana for medicinal use isn't a casual thing, it as a real need.

        Everyone! Arms akimbo! 68351

        by tobendaro on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 10:46:46 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

  •  Coffee shops in Amsterdam (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    cotterperson, gffish

    The bartender (or whatever you want to call him) asks the customer, "have you had this before?" Then says when to expect the buzz come on, and other useful information. I have not seen the rowdy customers that are common in alcohol bars.

    Censorship is rogue government.

    by scott5js on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 06:22:30 AM PDT

  •  Never had keef. Have had brownies, though-- (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    RMForbes

    That was a good high.

    "Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity." --M. L. King "You can't fix stupid" --Ron White -6.00, -5.18

    by zenbassoon on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 06:44:12 AM PDT

    •  I'm thinking of taking a trip to Seattle... (0+ / 0-)

      in part to get my hands on some of those brownies. I've never experienced that and I figured that since its basically legal then the quality controls will be better (one of the reasons I never really tried pot was because I didn't trust the sources - this from experience.)

  •  Nebraska (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    gffish

    I was reading how cops in Nebraska have way-upped their pot arrests. Little town near the border has opened a store, (might be Sedgwick CO?) it's projected it will do well as it saves 4 hours for those approaching from the east compared to driving all the way to Denver.

    Crime wave in Nebraska, so to speak.

    Mark Twain: It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.

    by Land of Enchantment on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 07:05:36 AM PDT

    •  Or revenue source (5+ / 0-)

      for the little town's police dept.

      People act on the outside how they feel on the inside. If you acknowledge it, you can change it.

      by Raggedy Ann on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 07:12:37 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

    •  It has been alleged that the same thing is (1+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      Land of Enchantment

      happening in western Kansas, where some of those counties have traditionally made lots of revenue from speed traps.  If you are going east on I-70 from Colorado, be sure your taillights and headlights all work, and DON'T speed.  

      •  I've been ticketed twice in Kansas (1+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        gffish

        And I've not spent a huge amount of time there, either. You think it's flat, but the plains have enough roll to them so there's plenty of little hollows a patrol car can keep out of sight until it's too late. I think that one store up by Nebraska is the only one in the eastern part of the state as yet.

        But yeah, I long ago learned to set the cruise control in Kansas. On the other hand, even minor state highways have a 65 speed limit, and little or no patrol if you're like me and like to explore seriously out-of-the-way places.

        Mark Twain: It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.

        by Land of Enchantment on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 11:02:11 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

  •  Unfortunately, being a heavy user does not make (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    freshwater dan

    anyone an expert on pot. If Maher really wanted to educate the public about the actual effects of herbal cannabis he should have used his platform to discuss the importance of the CBD to THC ratio in the different strains of cannabis plants. But I guess it's more entertaining to instead perpetuate the myth created around marijuana by the prohibition against the entire genus of cannabis plants.

    Just because he ate a strain of cannabis that made him paranoid doesn't mean that eating cannabis infused edibles always produces paranoia. My mother eats cannabis every day to treat her fibromyalgia and she doesn't get high at all. My mother grows a strain of cannabis with a very high CBD to THC ratio. CBD moderates the effects of the THC high, especially the most unpleasant side effects like paranoia and short term memory loss. If you eat edibles produced from a strain of cannabis with a higher CBD to THC ratio it will be completely different experience than eating a lower CBD to THC ratio strain.

    The strains of cannabis with low CBD to THC ratios became popular because of the prohibition and the counter culture that developed. Now that the prohibition is ending so will our tastes for herbal cannabis. We are already seeing a shift in the desirability for strains of medicinal cannabis with more CBD than THC so that the users can receive the medicinal benefit without getting couch lock. If you are looking for a mellower high you should be looking at the CBD to THC ratio of the strain.  

    Really don't mind if you sit this one out. My words but a whisper -- your deafness a SHOUT. I may make you feel but I can't make you think..Jethro Tull

    by RMForbes on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 10:21:22 AM PDT

    •  He was referring to Maureen Dowd (0+ / 0-)

      But anyway, I seriously doubt that the majority of the public will be interested in high CBD / low THC strains. Why? People like to get high.
      But I wonder if we will see edibles in the same way they are sold now. They are very inconsistent in their effects, very inconsistent in the THC levels, can be mistaken for Tootsie Rolls etc. I think when there is more widespread legality, we will see nasal sprays (if that is realistic), or pharmaceutical grade with measured doses and known adsorption and bioavailibility.
      Right now, edibles may seem like a good choice to avoid smoking, but smoking is a much more controllable route.

      "You can die for Freedom, you just can't exercise it"

      by shmuelman on Sun Jun 15, 2014 at 07:44:40 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  Hilarious! (0+ / 0-)

    48forEastAfrica - Donate to Oxfam> "It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness." Edna St.V. Millay

    by slouching on Sat Jun 14, 2014 at 02:56:45 PM PDT

  •  I wrote the same comments in the NY Times a week (0+ / 0-)

    before Maher did his routine.

    Scummy plagiarist!

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