From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE
8/5/64...3:24am...Male...5 pounds...2 ounces.
Recently I took possession of a plastic container packed with stuff from my childhood---medical records, my first crayon drawings (way outside the lines--not even close), grade cards, concerned notes from teachers citing bad behavior, etc. Among the items is a little envelope containing a clump of my baby hair---shiny, light brown and as soft as my baby butt probably was back during LBJ's 8th month in office when I entered the world to the smell of cheap gin and King-Size Kents (the former my doctor's, the latter my mom's).
Mercy Hospital, Mt. Vernon OH
[Pop!] "Congratulations!
It's a dirty fucking hippie!"
Last night I held that lock of innocence in my hand, hoping it might wormhole me back somewhere in time like Christopher Reeve in whatever that movie was called about going back somewhere in time. Then I could right all the wrongs, prevent all the injustices and buy out Koch Industries and turn it into a green energy empire. No dice---the clock failed to twirl backward. The date stayed the same. There would be no do-overs. So this morning at 3:24, to the distant sound of the grim reaper's footfalls, I turned 50.
It's been a busy half century. Medicare and voting rights laws were passed (the latter gutted not too long ago because conservatives on the Supreme Court feared it was working too well). Apollo 11 took a giant boing for mankind (Neil Armstrong's birthday is also today---don’t forget to wink at the moon tonight) and we launched a fleet of awesome Space Shuttles. ("Bring them back! Bring them back!" chanted a crowd of millions.) We broke all kinds of racial, gender, sexual, religious and athletic barriers. We invented Pong, the internet, the iPad, You Tube, the Yo app, the Pet Rock, blogs and social media. We made huge strides in medicine and science and the arts. We elected a black president who ushered in a new era of Kenyan colonialism (Source: Newt Gingrich). We're still the land of sex, drugs, rock & roll and mindless entertainment...and most of the world still looks at us and says, "They may be nuts, but I still want me some 'o that."
And then there's the shit, much of which is still hitting various fans even though we have every capability of switching them off:
> We're still addicted to fossil fuels.
> The republic has morphed into an oligarchy with no reversal in sight.
> We get shot and throw more people in jail---rich people excluded, of course---more than virtually any other country in the world. We can't even clean our guns without raising the body count.
> Our military spending is obscene, and we deliberately flood unstable countries with weapons so that our military-industrial complex can stay fat and happy.
> We're still "debating" what to do about global warming and climate change.
> We're workaholics and always in a hurry. We have the attention span of
> What human people need from the government is secondary to what corporation "people" want from the government.
> For all of our bad-assity---all our guns and nukes and soldiers and up-armored cops and drones and warrantless surveillance and militias and the fact that our private citizenry is armed to the teeth with every type of firepower imaginable, we sure scare easily. (Breaking: President Obama wants you to be able to afford to go to the doctor---run for your lives or you'll die from the death panel that meets every Tuesday at the top of a cliff because I read it in an email my aunt forwarded to me!!!)
I was born with this super power.
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On the other hand, I've got a partner who's loved me for 21 years and a gaggle of good friends (y'all included) who tolerate me. Dog, cat, Tootsie Pops, Bacardi on occasion (like today). Still lovin' Portland and Maine (tea party governor excepted) and New England (insane Masshole drivers excepted). And, yeah, I do love America, which is precisely why I criticize its shortcomings when I look at it from 30,000 feet. We should be Ben Franklin's land of the "healthy, wealthy, and wise" by now. Some are...but not nearly enough to live up to our advertising.
Today I'm 50. Assuming the Twinkies and Big Macs lodged in my arteries don’t snap off and make a beeline to smother my heart like a gangster offing a victim with a pillow, odds are I have 27 years left. If I can cross half of the above grievances off my list by then, I'll die happy.
Other than that, it's full steam ahead. My knees hurt, stomach acid is my one true master, my sciatica flares up and my skin is rapidly being replaced with elephant hide. But at least my mind is still sharp as a…um…[Google Google Google]…tack.
Cheers and Jeers passes around the hard-candy dish below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Note: Oh fiddle dee dee. Don’t ya hate it when you get distracted and before you know it the burning fuse has already gone under the neighbor's porch? Oh well...everyone carries dynamite insurance these days, right?
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10 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Days 'til the
2016 Summer Olympic Games in Rio:
731
Days 'til the
Great Falls Balloon Festival in Lewiston, Maine:
10
Percent chance that the Executive Branch now confirms that the Bush-Cheney administration did, in fact, endorse and use "torture" on detainees:
100%
(Source: President Barack Obama)
Number of times death-row inmate Joseph Rudolph Wood was given a "lethal dose" of drugs before he finally died two hours later after gasping for air 600+ times:
15
(Source: Released records via AP)
Increase in new vehicle sales last month, the best July since 2006:
9%
(Source: Autodata)
Opening weekend haul for
Guardians of the Galaxy, an August record:
$94 million
Percent chance that the fire department will have to be called when all 50 candles are lit on my birthday cake:
100%
(Source: the greeting card industry)
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Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
Someone must have either gotten to Glenn Beck and threatened his family, or he truly has gone schizophrenic. This looks like cowardice and fuel for the left’s already tried and true tactics to use against Americans who speak the truth, like on the border in giving justification to the illegals being here, like when Glenn called Bundy and his family racists…Glenn Beck is now truly part of the problem. The Founders would be ashamed of this. Still waiting for the next George Washington, Glenn? You wouldn’t recognize him if you saw him.
---Commenter pgsn at The Blaze
All together now: 1…2…3…
Mutiny!
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Puppy Pic of the Day: From Holland, amazing shots from Bert Jankhans photografie
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CHEERS to new visitors. Thumbs-up to a group of leaders getting together to discuss challenges facing them and actually present positive solutions. The U.S.-Africa summit started yesterday. It's…
…the first such event of its kind. This Summit, the largest event any U.S. President has held with African heads of state and government, will build on the President’s trip to Africa in the summer of 2013 and it will strengthen ties between the United States and one of the world’s most dynamic and fastest growing regions. Specifically, the August 4-6 Summit will advance the Administration’s focus on trade and investment in Africa and highlight America’s commitment to Africa’s security, its democratic development, and its people.
According to the press secretary, tonight fifty African leaders will converge on the White House for a dinner in their honor. Or, according to the birthers, tonight fifty African leaders will converge on the White House so Obama can hand-pick his successor.
CHEERS to Darrel Issa's Waterloo. It's over. By a Republican committee's own admission, the GOP's exploitation of the Benghazi tragedy for political and financial gain is over:
The tea party rabble will,
of course, keep rabbling.
The House Intelligence Committee---the Republican Intelligence Committee---has completed its investigation and according to Rep. Mike Thompson of St. Helena, the second-ranking Democrat on the committee, has concluded there was no wrongdoing by the administration. The committee voted to declassify the report last Thursday, pending approval by intelligence agencies.
For those of you keeping score, this makes 322 straight times Darrel Issa has lost an argument to intelligence.
JEERS to stupid white men. On August 5, 1994, Kenneth Starr, solicitor general under President George H.W. Bush, was named as independent prosecutor investigating Whitewater. His final report said virtually nothing about that non-scandal. But it did mention the word...
...over 500 times. Even Larry Flynt was like, "Whoa. Kenny, dude, get some help."
JEERS to putting things off. Golly, if only the danger signs of an algae-fueled threat to Toledo's water supply had been present in the 70s, maybe they could've done something to prevent the current situation the city finds itself in. Oh wait…they were and they could've:
It looks like the Jolly Green
Giant farted in the bathtub.
Water plant operators along western Lake Erie have long been worried about this very scenario as algae blooms have turned the water into a pea-soup color in recent summers, leaving behind toxins that can sicken people and kill pets.
In fact, the problems on the shallowest of the five Great Lakes brought on by farm runoff and sludge from sewage treatment plants have been building for more than a decade. "We're right back to where we were in the '70s," [NOAA's Jeff] Reutter said.
Once again, the PPPPP rule---"proper planning prevents poor performance"---goes unheeded with ridiculously stupid and terrifying results. Meanwhile the mayor now says the water is safe to drink, and he even downed a glass during yesterday's press conference. And in other news, today's press conference will be held in the mayor's bathroom.
CHEERS to the thrill of victory. On August 5, 1923, Henry Sullivan became the first American to swim the English Channel. The feat occurred moments after someone put a plate of haggis in front of him.
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Five years ago in C&J: August 5, 2009
CHEERS to jumpin' in. Rep. Joe Sestak will officially throw his admiral's cap in the ring from a Philly VFW hall in a bid to unseat 79-year-old incumbent Arlen Specter in the Pennsylvania primary. I love his bumper sticker slogan: "Universal health care in every household, and a torpedo in every garage."
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And just one more…
[Wink!]
Happy Birthday, Neil.
CHEERS to my August 5 birthday posse. Neil Armstrong. Lizz Winstead. Director John Huston. Loni Anderson. Maureen "Marcia Marcia Marcia!" McCormick. Patrick Ewing. The Elephant Man. Kossacks "Simple," "dmb0857," "stlsophos" and "LeoDaLion." After we swarm Denny's for our birthday discount (50 percent for me, so gimme a Bacon Slam, a Sausage Slam, a Ham Slam, a Slam Slam combining all the Slams, and a Lipitor sundae), we intend to spend the day stealing from the rich and giving to the poor. We've got the perfect lure: the formula for making high-speed trades .0001 percent faster written on a c-note attached to a fish hook.
P.S. Also on this date Marilyn Monroe, Carmen Miranda, Alec Guinness and Richard Burton died. On second thought I think I'll just go back to bed.
Have a nice Tuesday. (And Reaper, stay the hell offa my lawn.) Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Bill in Portland Maine out of gas, but still alive, private team says
---Space.com
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