The infamous Ten Hours of Catcalls video brought back a lot of unpleasant memories for me, starting around age thirteen and continuing until the gray hair came in. (Memo to the guy who cornered me and kept asking: "Do you want to go to a movie? Do you want to go dancing? Do you want to go to a party?" The reason I kept saying no was not because you just hadn't come up with the right activity.) I'm baffled by people who say women "should be flattered" by unwanted come-ons: is anyone "flattered" when a telemarketer won't stop calling?
I figure when it's reached the point where I can't tell if this is a parody or not, the only thing left to do is laugh at them. So here's my proposed solution.
But first, a word from our sponsor!
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You have reached 1-800-4-CREEPS. The woman who gave you this number has no interest in dating you, having sex with you, or ever being contacted by you again. However, you should be flattered that she gave you this number: it means that it is possible you could be educated into becoming a non-creep.
There are millions of non-creepy men in the world, and it’s not especially difficult to become one! They meet women in non-creepy ways, and have actual conversations with them, which may eventually lead to mutually agreeable dating, sex, and/or relationships. And if it doesn’t, they get over it, since they know not every woman will be attracted to you even when your behavior is acceptable. But first, your behavior does have to be acceptable.
Please dial the relevant extension:
If you approached a woman in a setting that was socially inappropriate (such as a funeral, a job interview, or her wedding), press 11.
If you approached a woman in a setting where she might feel physically unsafe (such as while she was walking down a dark street, or during a bank robbery), press 12.
If you approached a woman in a setting where she had no convenient way to get away from you (such as a bus stop, an elevator, or an ambulance), press 13.
If you interrupted her while she was clearly interested in doing something else (such as reading a book, making out with her lover, or launching a ninja attack), press 14.
If you ignored obvious signs that she was unavailable (such as a wedding ring, a t-shirt with a lesbian slogan, or a nun’s habit), press 15.
If you came on to a woman whom you had known less than 30 seconds, but you feel she should take longer than that before deciding to reject you, press 16.
If your first comment to her involved your evaluation of her anatomy, press 17.
If you used any form of ruse or deceit to make her feel she had to talk to you (such as pretending to ask for directions, acting interested in her performance at the open mic, or alleging that her skirt was on fire when it was not), then immediately followed this with a come-on, press 18.
If, after using a ruse, you accused her of “leading you on” because she spoke to you, press 19.
If you demanded that she provide an explanation for the rejection, press 20.
If she provided an explanation for the rejection (such as, “You’re not my type,” or, “You bear a horrifying resemblance to my ex,” or, “You know nothing about me except how I look, and I prefer men who give a crap about my charming personality,” or, “I noticed there’s blood dripping from your tote bag,”) and you proceeded to argue that her reasons were all wrong, and your reasons why she should date you were way better, press 21.
If, after being rejected, you did anything socially inappropriate (such as following her, subjecting her to a lecture on how she “should be flattered” that you like her bazooms, whining that no one will ever meet anyone if she doesn’t give her number to random dudes on the street, or dropping your pants and saying, “But you coulda had THIS!”), press 22.
If you ignored obvious nonverbal cues that she was not interested (such as avoiding eye contact, not returning your smile, pointedly directing her attention elsewhere, or faking a heart attack), your contact information has been given to every telemarketer in the country. Press 23.
If you ignored obvious verbal cues that she was not interested (such as giving monosyllable responses to your inquiries, mentioning that she’s in a hurry to be somewhere else, or stating that you gave off an “axe-murderer” vibe), your contact information has been given to telemarketers, every religious group that does door-to-door soliciting, Columbia Music Club, and a Nigerian prince. Also, your spam filter has been permanently disabled. Press 24.
If you persisted after being explicitly told that she was not interested (such as, “I’m not interested,” or, “I’m busy for the next 700 years,” or, “No,” or, “Hell no,” or, “Get away from me you psycho”), your contact information has been given to all of the parties mentioned above. It has also been given to every non-creepy man whoever missed an opportunity with a woman because she’d dealt with so many creeps that she just didn’t want to take the chance. Non-creepy men dislike your creeping almost as much as women do. Press 25.
If you fall into any of the above categories, but feel that an exception should be made because you had a really good reason, you may record your explanation, and it will be forwarded to the woman in question. However, if she finds your excuse unacceptable, your contact information will be given to the Westboro Baptist Church. So think carefully about how it’s going to sound from her point of view – and being able to consider her point of view is the first step toward becoming a non-creep. Press 0.
On to Top Comments!
From your humble (if antisocial) diarist:
Flagged by DCCyclone, this post has BeloitDem's deconstruction of the "Dems are doomed" narrative. (Found in Jeff Singer's Elections weekly open thread.)
BOHICA starts an entertaining "caption this photo" thread in the Morning Earworm.
Edited to add comments from
BeninSC:
This comment (the member's first) delivers a fine greeting to side pocket in today's CUA diary, by catilinus! (It's from his niece! Err ... side pocket's niece! ;) )
Another first commenter, CaptMalcolm, posted this comment about Orwellian labels used by dishonest conservative organizations.
Top mojo, courtesy of mik:
1) Good old Utah by Utahrd — 233
2) Mitch's father in law was selling "clean coal" by FishOutofWater — 179
3) Old Bob Hope joke by blue aardvark — 147
4) Steal our lands, steal our cultures, steal our... by Meteor Blades — 145
5) There's nothing to apologize for by HEYPHILLIP — 131
6) That is one of the shittiest things I have seen by LeftHandedMan — 125
7) Could anyone say this in a more neutral voice? by CwV — 115
8) The entire fucking Republican Party has been by Angie in WA State — 102
9) & the ships are of Liberian registry, i.e., EBOLA! by nailbender — 100
10) That judge just kicked Christie and LePage by aaraujo — 97
11) Worth saying that the original investigative work by Mogolori — 94
12) Same Answer From Me On This as On School Religion: by Gooserock — 94
13) I salute our brave officers. by 420 forever — 92
14) Republicans are in a blind rage against the black by 88kathy — 89
15) there are. i just bought one. by terrypinder — 89
16) Blame the employees by NewtC — 89
17) are there no 'dumb' TVs available any more? by Portia Elm — 84
18) yep, you can have any number of wives by entlord — 83
19) McTurtle should trade his FIL's coke for votes/nt by annieli — 83
20) HILARIOUS by The Termite — 84
21) She needs record high turnout of the African by blugrlnrdst — 81
22) He certainly did. by Onomastic — 81
23) Rush Limbaugh will be trick-or-treating at Mitch's by Front Toward Enemy — 79
24) I guess by VirginiaJeff — 75
25) well, so no problem by Portia Elm — 75
26) She thumbed her nose at three Governors, by elenacarlena — 75
27) clean coke by MartyM — 75
28) Hard to believe that people who would by DerAmi — 73
29) I wonder how he feels about THIS airborne killer: by jan4insight — 71
30) Black voters saving us: news that never gets old by emorej a Hong Kong — 68
31) Republicans are so defensive about this... by Front Toward Enemy — 68
Photo quilt, courtesy of jotter: