We've got a growing problem in this country, and it seems like the only ones who are properly outraged about it are we constant punching bags on The Right.
That problem is the awful, blatant, racism from our counterparts on The Left.
Liberals have been waging a growing assault on the hallowed institutions of our once-great nation.
We had finally achieved that historic post-racial society, through the exceptionalism of our jobmakers, through the equalizing powers of the free market, and through the sheer determination of our heroic hedge fund managers.
Now Liberals are destroying all of that progress. They march in the streets against our trusted law enforcement. They allow the amnesty of millions of illegal aliens who have transgressed against our borders. They offer the unfettered access to our world-leading health system to the moochers and lay-about class on the backs of the rest of us taxpayers. But they don't care about any of that.
They get outraged by the fact that sometimes cops kill unarmed civilians, that evidence suggests that our private industry is destroying our planet and climate, that we spend the majority of our tax revenue on the military and on incentives for the job creators.
Out of all the things they could be doing, they act like this is the stuff that isn't supposed to be happening. Not the theft of our profits by way of welfare and handouts. Not the lawlessness of our Dictator-In-Chief. Not the threats our country faces from foreigners attacking other foreigners on foreign soil. No, they choose to act against existential threats that can barely be argued are actually threats, like affordable access to health care, police brutality, and global climate change. I know, it's so hard to fathom how such people can possibly function in our society.
We must put a stop to these endless atrocities, known as police reform, known as Obamacare, known as immigration reform. But the options that have been put forward are laughable at best.
Some say we should shut down our government until the lawless Democrats agree to our demands. As clever as this sounds, it is bound to backfire on us. After all, you can't complain that the government is doing everything wrong if they aren't doing anything at all.
Some have called for sanctioning Barack Hussein Obama (remember when people used to call him that, like, all the time?), such as having him impeached by Congress. But that would essentially just be saying that we should hold Obama accountable for the crimes that we think he has committed against the public. What are you guys gonna propose next, holding other government officials accountable for their crimes against the public? Is that really a road we want to go down?
Some on our side have even called for such things as repealing Obamacare, or undoing the executive orders on immigration, or voting on a funding bill. But to do any of these things would require showing that our cohorts in Congress are actually cohesive enough to get something accomplished that they actually claimed that they would. And that would basically undermine their entire politically strategy of the past sixty years or so. What are we left with then, passing other bills, while we're at it?
With our Party so willing to advocate such preposterous policies, no matter how righteous they may be, it is no wonder so many people look at us like we sound like a bunch of lunatics.
These are not the solutions that will salvage our confedernation. No, what we need is something that everyone will have to agree are the right ideas for us right now.
What we need are solutions, that are not only charateristic of what our Party has become, not only effective at combating the problems they claim to combat, but are also solutions that every True Reb-blooded Republican can stand behind. Solutions that immediately say to any observer, "Yep, this is what we stand for, this is what represents how we think and what we say, this is what you should think everytime you hear a Republican speak."
Therefore, I propose we take the following action:
1. Send All Police Officers to the Moon.
We have to show that, above all else, we rely on our police officers to maintain the peace in our country, and ensure that every citizen, no matter their background or profession, abides by all the laws and statutes that every other citizen follows, and that all the respect we give cops and that they deserve depends exclusively on how well they follow these principles and how well they execute these duties.
At the same time, the police must also be protected from any unfounded accusations that what they do is in any way unacceptable or worthy of punishment. To feel totally secure in performing their duties, they must feel openly that they have the impunity to resort to any means necessary against any perpetrator they see as a threat.
The problem is that, so long as there are instances where police officers are forced to interact with anybody who might possibly be innocent, atrocious accusations of brutality and other misbehavior against our valiant protectors are bound to occur.
We must make sure our police officers are always in an environment where the only people they could possibly be interacting with are only suspects who at any time could attack them with no warning because in their mind they have the impunity to attack whomever they want.
The only way to address such a harsh contradiction is to ensure that the only people cops interact with are other cops.
Therefore, what I propose is that all police officers are henceforth transferred to the Moon. Funding should be diverted to such endeavors.
In this way, we will properly ensure that the only people cops attack are deserving of that attack, because only cops are the only ones who should rightly feel like they can attack anyone they feel will attack them.
2. Nuke the Polar Ice Caps.
The next major problem that must be addressed is the propensity for Liberals to attack our private businesses and entrepreneurs for the effects their acts to enrich the economy have on our shared global climate. Unfortunately, they have facts on their side, and there is no stronger opponent Republicans face than someone who knows facts. So for example, Liberals can readily point to the fact that polar ice caps are melting as evidence that climate change is occurring.
What this indicates is that the presence of the polar ice caps, no matter how miniscule and dwindling, is a threat to us all. Because it gives Liberals a reason to bring up climate change, and then post irresistibly adorable photos of baby polar bears.
The real threat, then, can only be neutralized once these monoliths of Liberal extravagance are rightly destroyed. Who needs ice at the poles anyways? What are you planning, the world's largest Obama fundraiser? What I propose is a pre-emptive strike against a most-certain threat to Republican talking points. It is time to nuke the polar ice caps.
Perhaps there may be people or governments who will object to the use of our vast weaponized arsenal against the Polar Ice Caps. In that case, we can simply invoke Stand Your Ground to remind people of the grave threat these ice caps pose, and how our fear is justified in the face of such looming giant hulking inhuman monsters. Doesn't anyone remember the Titanic anymore?
3. Give Welfare to Illegal Immigrants.
By now, I hope you are finally starting to realize this brutal trend in Liberal oppression.
The problem is that by allowing Liberals to act so liberally, they are hastening the demise of our once-great nation.
For example, Obama has recently taken action to address the growing problem of illegal immigration.
Not only has this given Democrats an opportunity to spout off about the value of all human lives and keeping families together, but also a reminder that Republicans pretty much at any point could have single-handedly subverted Obama on this long ago.
Let's also not forget that the main reason a lot of these illegal immigrants even come to America in the first place is to take jobs away from our more decent, law-abiding US citizens. Rather than promote this illegal behavior, we should make sure these illegal immigrants are treated like some of our other more inscrutable demographic groups. For example, welfare recipients. Few other groups in America are more reviled.
To address this, I propose that we make sure every illegal immigrant in America receives welfare and other entitlement programs. Thus, ensuring that we will hate them as much as every other recipient of this unadulterated Socialism. At the same time, this will prevent them from continuing to steal jobs away from real Americans.
Since I understand that some illegal immigrants may see through this effort, and refuse to succumb to the wrath of our safety net program, we still need a way to funnel them away from the precious few jobs that our average Americans need. Therefore, for these illegal immigrants, we should offer free higher education. They will have no choice but to become doctors, engineers, scientists, serving the interests of the public good to make up for their ill-gotten freedoms, while preserving the true American-brand jobs for the real Americans who the Republican Party is supposed to look out for.
In their continued efforts to bring about the end of all civilization as we know it, Liberals have trampled all over the Constitution. They act as if the Second Amendment does not explicitly protect our unfettered right to an unending access to obtain and brandish any and all firearms, of all shapes and sizes and killing capacity, whether we be convicts, elderly, or inebriated. They act as if their values are the ones that are actually in the Constitution. As if the Constitution guarantees a right to protest, a right to due process in a court of law instead of instant judgment by cops, or a right to not be discriminated against. The sheer lunacy of it all.
Which brings me to my final proposal.
4. Make Gun Licenses for Dogs Legal.
But of course, I know what you are all thinking. Allowing dogs to legally own firearms is a ridiculously impractical proposal. The problem should be painfully obvious to anybody reading.
But I also have an answer to this: We must also allow dogs to legally obtain drivers licenses. Now, the problem of the dogs being unable to get to the gun stores themselves is solved.
In the end, what we need are real solutions, to our country's real problems. Not empty transparent solutions to imaginary contrived problems.
Peace, at last, can once again reign in our post-racial society.
Some of you may have read this and thought to yourself, that I can't possibly be serious. Surely, you are joking.
To them I say, the real joke is what normally passes for a Republican idea these days.
I guess the only thing left to say is: Who's with me?