Occasionally my job requires me to meet with clients who are incarcerated. I was looking for the address for a Bay Area jail, so I did a quick Google search. I found the information I needed, and also learned that the jail had a 3-star rating. This was followed by an offer to "See all reviews."
Um...reviews?
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Please come in. You're invited to make yourself at home! Join us behind the orange bars...
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Yes, it turns out that Yelp and Google print reviews for correctional institutions. Unsurprisingly, some of the most creative ones are out of San Francisco. Here are some highlights from a 5-star review:
*Incredible meals 3x per day:
-catered (read: thrown) directly at you
-meals target every major food group (soggy bread, generic peanut butter, gooey grape jelly, stale cookies, warm milk)
*Comfortable living environment:
-"ergonomic" steel bunk bed with paper-thin, lightweight mattress
-walls come adorned with ''artwork'' from many previous tenants......(props to my bro Paulo from San Jose, hope your gf is givin' it to ya hard again..if you're out!)
-lights are always kept on, so you can maximize each 24 hour day
Intake/Attire:
-Extremely comfortable, cozy ''waiting areas'' complete with fresh lime green painted walls, frosted glass windows, stainless trim, HARDwood seating, and a state-of-the-art phone system...which you can use an unlimited amount of times (read: ONE) during your 10+ hour stay here!
-Fingerprinting feels great- those rollers are heaven on tender, handcuff-swollen wrists, hands and fingers!
-You're issued the trendy, always-fashionable color of every season here, orange! Sweatpants, t-shirts, socks, sweatshirts, boxers and shoes. It's halloween everyday down here, folks. Either that, or you're at the biggest Tampa Bay Buccaneers tailgate party outside Tampa.
*Entertainment:
-Millions of dots to count on the ceilings, walls
-Spectacular 1/3 views of the city from behind inviting frosted glass.....
*Networking opportunities:
-you'll meet plenty of new people, learn acronyms which will help with your "street smarts"
-exchange "recipes" with everybody on your block
-spend time sharing stories about why you're staying, and why you should've taken that trip to Tahoe, after all...
A one-star review disagreed:
I wish I could give them 0 stars. Where do I start. The Decor SUCKS talk about drab. CORDED phones?? I mean who still has those? the food SUCKS, def not "moms" p&j sandwiches. Who serves breakfast at 430 am??? ONE ply toiler paper???? COMON GUYS, my prostate does not like the cheap stuff. THIS PLACE SUCKS their laundry service never has the right amont of starch or the right creases and they dont offer dry cleaning. DEF wouldn't go back.
Elmwood facility in Milpitas:
conveniently located right off highway 880, this is a combination farm/county jail facility. it's patrolled by cops on mountain bikes. security is much better than it was in the early 80s. apparently people broke out all the time back then, not to escape, but rather to buy beer and bring it back in to share.
You can kind of tell which ones were actually written by inmates: they have an "insider" feel, they have bits of useful information (keep your plastic spork, they only issue you one), and they don't have the creepy prison-rape jokes.
Out of morbid curiosity, I looked up the reviews for Pelican Bay, the most notorious prison in California. While there were some lengthy, funny what's-wrong-with-this-hotel reviews, what caught my attention was one that packed a lot of insight into a few words:
This place is like a bad relationship... Lots of fights, abuse, but for some reasons you keep coming back
On to Top Comments!
From Puddytat:
This is too funny not to get a wider audience. In last night's Top Comments about Jumbo Jets, jwinIL14 posted a funny pic and then Tara the Antisocial Social Worker chimed in with a hysterical reply. Winner! (Blushing response from Tara: Thanks!)
From
noweasels:
This lovely comment by Timaeus reminded me that, as Jen Hayden said, "this guy is pretty awesome." (From Jen Hayden's front page diary, the White House says Pope Francis played huge role in Cuba deal.)
From
Your Humble (if Antisocial) Diarist:
Also from Jen Hayden's diary, you have to read Timaeus's pootie-related comment first, to appreciate why he flagged Cuseology's hilarious reply. See also Tool's relevant pun.
Top mojo, courtesy of mik:
1) The arrogance is astounding, also wanting by LaFeminista — 148
2) I support you Andrew Hawkins. by JoanMar — 144
3) Some how,in some fashion, the attitude of the by Cruzankenny — 141
4) I still remember this like it was by Colorado is the Shiznit — 120
5) If you get rid of McCulloch in an election by Walt starr — 118
6) I Don't Think Anybody Could've Anticipated a by Gooserock — 111
7) That interview was astounding. by ExpatGirl — 107
8) How about that? by DeadHead — 106
9) Apparently it's, "Tough shit, police." by DeadHead — 104
10) We didn't create anything. The 1%er power by a2nite — 102
11) I'm putting this transcript here so those who by marleycat — 98
12) Idealism is attractive to young people by Dallasdoc — 94
13) Senator Warren is personable... by JeffW — 93
14) McCulloch should be disbarred for this. by nosleep4u — 91
15) My only problem by high uintas — 87
16) And this sack of shit lied by snoopydawg — 86
17) he needs to be fired... by Glen The Plumber — 85
18) Am in tears. Thanks for telling us and by Portlaw — 85
19) Yep, during all of this I keep waiting to by JoanMar — 83
20) He threatened to be another theater shooter! by nailbender — 81
21) "law appointed"? by rexymeteorite — 80
22) not surprising by Tasini — 78
23) Isn't GJ testimony under oath? by Samer — 77
24) "The grotesque dehumanization of Tamir" by JoanMar — 75
25) That is kindof what everyone is missing. Everyone by ban48 — 76
26) That was not just courageous, it was brilliant. nt by nailbender — 74
27) We don't need a messiah by Dallasdoc — 74
28) Hey Phil: I'm carrying my pen. by dadadata — 73
29) Popping in to say thanks by BoiseBlue — 73
30) She has been off her meds for 25 years by FishOutofWater — 72
31) I am not an activist by tomatillo — 72
Photo quilt, courtesy of jotter: