``We got rid of her!'' Years later, I can still hear it. And it still makes me cringe.
This particular class was full of White males, with one lone female student. Because of their schedules and the time this section was offered, it was mainly composed of engineering majors, which back then always meant male students. But the course was required of several majors, so I'd get the occasional non-engineering student taking it with them if they couldn't fit another section into their schedule.
It was early in the semester, maybe the second or third class meeting. I was preparing to begin my lecture when I noticed the headcount seemed low. I asked, ``Who's missing?''
A student volunteered, ``That girl's not here.''
Then from the back of the room I heard, ``Yeah, we got rid of her!''
I knew it was said in jest, but I felt a familiar knot in my stomach that persisted through the weekend. So the following Monday I began class with a discussion of what had been said and why it had disturbed me. Most of them didn't get it. But one young man turned around in his seat and pointedly told them, ``Look around you! Do you see any females in here? Any Blacks? Anyone but White guys?'' I don't know if we made a difference, but I seem to remember a quiet descending on the room.
That was the genesis of my Public Service Announcement for my classes. I usually wait until near the end of the semester, when students have gotten to know and trust me. It's not an easy thing to do, but as I've refined it over the years, I think it's become meaningful to them. I am going to lift out part of it to present below the lovely orange croissant. It's difficult because some of the context will be missing, but I think it's important at this time of year to talk about the subject of depression and suicide.
People don't talk about these things much -- the hard parts of our lives. I want to talk about them with my students because they know and like me, and what I say carries some weight with them. They know I tell them the truth. If they experience some of the ugly things life offers us, they'll know they're not alone. And if they don't, then they'll know that reality isn't so kind to everyone, even if you can't see the marks left behind. This part of the PSA deals with depression and suicide. It is something with which I struggled for many years, and I want them to understand it can get better. I know enough to send students to the counseling center - I can listen to them, comfort them, but more than that is beyond the scope of my training or abilities.
Depression, it seems, must have a genetic component. I get it from both sides of my family tree. I wasn't truly aware of this until later years, since we were discouraged from talking about it within my immediate family. We weren't really given any tools to deal with it, and I became really, really good at denial. Or as I liked to think of it, I became good at enduring.
I was going through an unwanted divorce when, while fumbling for a spiritual path, I committed to following my heart. The male domination of Christianity had left me with the Holy Ghost as the only part of the Trinity with which I could identify in even the smallest measure. The following summer I was given the opportunity to work with a group of American Indian students. As the summer drew to a close, I was offered a teaching position at that college. Contrary to the well-known advice not to make any major decisions while reeling from divorce, I took a leave of absence from my regular job (quitting it the following year) to accept this challenge that nearly bested me. It was a labor of love, and an outgrowth of my commitment to a spiritual life. It is in this context that after the first year there, I felt as though I'd failed my purpose in being, shall I say ``guided'' to this place. Thinking back, I can't remember why I thought I had failed, but it was a powerful idea that lodged in my brain. Eventually, all I could think was that I wanted to return home to Creator, so I started making plans to do so in a way that wouldn't be an imposition on anyone.
I didn't carry out that plan. But the reason I didn't... frankly, I still don't understand the mechanism behind the divine in my life. I have phone-phobia - I hate making phone calls. I can go days, weeks, without talking to anyone on the phone. But this one day, as I was finishing my plans, three friends in three different states, independent of one another, called me. The second one knew something was up, but I just couldn't promise her not to harm myself. By the third call, I realized I was getting hit with a two by four, and it just wasn't my time to go home.
A few years later, I went through a similar period of time due to enormous losses I had no means with which to deal. I planned my demise. Then three friends again called me on the same day, preventing me from carrying out those plans. I finally accepted that I don't get to choose that path. My work isn't done until it is finished, and I likely won't be told when that is.
About ten years ago, I survived what I came to call The Summer From Hell. This was the deepest depression ever. I sat in my living room with the blinds pulled down and simply existed. I don't remember thinking about suicide. If I did, I discarded it. No phone calls were needed, I guess. I had learned my lesson.
Everyone gets the blues sometimes. Sadness, grief, loss. It is a natural part of the human experience. If it persists, talk to your doctor about therapy and / or an antidepressant. You may have to try many different antidepressants before you find the one that helps you. I still take a low dose, just because I never want to be in the grip of depression again. If you know someone going through a tough time, let them know you see them and are there when they're ready to talk.
Then there is clinical depression, when the pain of the blues is replaced by emptiness, a bottomless pit inside that you don't want others to get near for fear of pulling them into it too. It is all you can do to keep from falling down that rabbit hole yourself. This, I think, is caused by, or itself causes, a chemical imbalance in your brain. By this point, the adage ``Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem'' is simply a platitude with absolutely no relevance to your own experience. It is nearly too late to seek help.
So I tell my students get help before it gets that bad. Watch out for your friends and family, and offer help to get them through the dark times. This fall, one student heeded that advice and reached out to a friend who was deeply troubled. My student came to me talk about it and ask what more he could do. He returned to my office within minutes to tell me the call he missed during our discussion was news that his friend was under suicide watch at the hospital. I doubt the friend would have survived to get that help if my student hadn't spent the previous evening with him.
It is important to realize that you are not alone - you need to believe that, know it in your bones. Humanity is in the life boat with you. Hang on. You are stronger than you think.
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-TALK(8255)
Suicide Prevention Resource Center: sprc.org
from Suicide Warning Signs: helpguide.org:
Take any suicidal talk or behavior seriously. It's not just a warning sign that the person is thinking about suicide—it's a cry for help.
A more subtle but equally dangerous warning sign of suicide is hopelessness. Studies have found that hopelessness is a strong predictor of suicide. People who feel hopeless may talk about "unbearable" feelings, predict a bleak future, and state that they have nothing to look forward to.
Other warning signs that point to a suicidal mind frame include dramatic mood swings or sudden personality changes, such as going from outgoing to withdrawn or well-behaved to rebellious. A suicidal person may also lose interest in day-to-day activities, neglect his or her appearance, and show big changes in eating or sleeping habits.
Suicide prevention tip #1: Speak up if you’re worried (includes Do's and Don'ts)
Suicide prevention tip #2: Respond quickly in a crisis (includes list of questions to ask to assess immediate risk)
Suicide prevention tip #3: Offer help and support (includes list of ways to help a suicidal person)