I’m looking for life’s simple solutions now. This is how I Sonic. You see, I lost my job not long ago, and have had very little access to Dailykos lately, That’s unfortunate because this place is my second home, and I truly miss the morning crowd; especially Bill’s Cheers n’ Jeers, and the morning commenters on Hunter’s diaries!
When you’re not working, you lose track of the days. My god, it could be Monday, or Saturday, or even humpday. What’s the difference? I’m a seasoned manager, an organized team-builder, and I was a coach and a mentor of my staff; and an expert in customer service. I love to help people in whatever job I hold. Sadly, these days I am spending a lot of time watching TV, and I thank god every day for Rob Lowe, as I lounge in my Bob-O-Pedic and verbally spar with the AT&T lady. I’m older than the Yumbo, but I know things will work out for me, because I’ve learned so much in the past few weeks. I learned that even terminally ill patients can go to Cancer Treatment Center and everything will be alright!
Yes, I’ve fallen, but I will get up. Besides, if I find I can’t get up, I’ll just call eight hundred eight eight eight eight eight eight eight, and there will be no fee until I win.
When I need money I simply call Montel Williams and his benevolent altruistic friends, and they put money in my bank account in 24 hours! Plus, I get all the cash back I need from Bank of America. I mean, it’s my money, I’m gonna use it when I need it!
And there’s a nice old senator who is hooking me up with a reverse mortgage because he cares about me and my family! So many nice folks out there! What’s in your wallet?
Actually, you probably don’t have one, because now you have the Capital One Wallet App. And on top of all of that great news, Sprint is cutting all of my bills in half. In half!! And I got six free yeast rolls yesterday (Free? That works for me!)
Jan from Toyota is always there for me when I need a friend, so I don’t feel deflated, or even under-inflated, even though I’m a middle-aged man and I see 19 year old Parker Schnabel pulling in a cool million every summer of his young life. Okay, so I do feel down sometimes, because, goddamn it, even Rosco’s working! But then I think every day is like a brand new season with Draft Kings dot com. So I put on my Ambervisions (an 800 dollar value, just pay separate shipping and handling for the second pair you don’t need anyway) and I belt out “Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there” and Anthony my agent is nowhere to be found. But my actual good neighbors think I’m an idiot.
Seriously, a lot of good things are happening as I make wise us of all of this spare time. I waterproofed my home with Phil Swift and his god-awful Phluffya accent. I do P90XInsanity and Bowflex Max every morning. And I’m getting a 2nd Master’s degree from DeVry in my pajamas, and a Doctorate from SNHU in my underwear. Of course, I was forced to click the “Did I lose my job last year” box on Turbotax, and that made me depressed, but then I found my great-great-great grandfather’s enlistment papers just from clicking a little leaf.
One thing I can’t do is get a 5 dollar hot n’ ready, as I have to leave the comfort of my home for that. I thank god every day for Dom, so I don’t have to talk to another human. He can get me a pizza, but he can’t teach me karate or cancel my morning meetings, even though I don’t have any. I do like bacon. I put that sh*t on everything.
Yes, the old me didn’t see these simple pleasures in life, like waterproofing products and pizza and bacon, but now, thanks to Abilify, everything’s great! When I worry about the side effects, like sudden death, or an erection lasting 3 days, I simply click my Time Warner Cable Smart Home App, and I feel totally relaxed. Of course, the Latuda cocktail helps too…
Thank god I don’t have A-fib, Low-T, ED, or Restless Leg Syndrome, like all of those poor folks on TV, but the chicken pox rash is already inside me. However, in the long run, I know it’s all gonna work out because Mio changes everything and my cat eats Fancy Feast, Nationwide is on my side, and I’m living free with Hydroxycut, Legal Zoom has my back, and I AM FARMERS! Plus, I can save 15% or more in 15 minutes anytime I want!
Yes, everything’s right with the world: Jake from State Farm is still wearing Khakis, my floor liners are American made, and I’m lovin’ it! Some shit in a can Gives me Wings, I’m doing dollops of Daisy, and I’m in e-Harmony with the world. You see, even though I’m currently unemployed, I know I’m a winner. I deserve sprinkles on my ice cream. Flo says so.
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Please pardon me if I can’t be around Monday until the evening, when I can respond to thousands of kudos and comments...or the 2 or 3 that I usually get. I do have an interview in the morning.
Seriously, despite what the GOP says, the economy is looking pretty damn good, and there are lots of decent jobs to apply to. If anybody has a lead on something in New York City, please email me. I’m sending out resumes and cover letters like crazy.
Please watch for my new novel, Corporadeus, later this month. It’s gonna be a cheap fun read, and - don't worry - nothing like this diary.