Goooooood Morning! It's gonna be an AWESOME day!!!
National Weather Service alert map for Monday, February 23.
Love,
Kansas, Nebraska, Idaho, Washington and Montana
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, February 23, 2015
Note: From this point forward all Americans must submit to random tests of their love for America. Your name was chosen today. Please fart the National Anthem into this cup and send it in. You'll be notified of your results by drone if you fail.
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12 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Purim:
9
Days 'til the
Sapsucker Festival at the John James Audubon Center in PA:
12
Percent chance that you'll see sapsuckers wearing seersuckers at the festival, sadly:
0%
Average age at which a woman hits menopause in the U.S.:
51
Median length of menopause symptoms in women who are black, Hispanic and white, respectively:
10.1 yrs., 8.9 yrs., 6.5 yrs.
(Source: JAMA Internal Medicine)
Percent chance that menopause is a racist jerk:
100%
(Source: JAMA Civil Rights Division)
Minimum number of people in Oslo who formed a
"Muslim ring of peace" around a synagogue Saturday:
1,000
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Yes, of course there's a Rolls Royce that caters to the one-percenters' dogs: "One of the most notable features of the car is that it automatically opens for your dog." Because of course.
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Smuggled photo of our star cham...er, meetup.
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CHEERS to a mid-winter gathering of meddlesome hippies. The snow gods observed a one-day cease fire so that a gaggle of Kossacks could gather at Flatbread Pizza in downtown Portland, Maine Saturday. At the meetup were (please hold your applause 'til the end):
Ed Tracey, Another Massachusetts Liberal, Jane in Maine, DtheO, Rebereads, Vacationland, bluesheep, Nautical Knots and
Mrs. Nautical Knots, Common Sense Mainer, the always-insufferable
BiPM, our excellent host and event coordinator
nhox42, and we gave a warm welcome to newcomer
Knockbally from Massachusetts. A good time was had by all (and a good tip was had by our server). Remember, for meetups in your area (or if you want to organize one and publicize it), rely on the daily
Connect! Unite! Act! posts for the latest info. And if someone can figure out how to get George Soros to foot the bills, we'll make you a saint.
JEERS to the embarrassment from Wisconsin. Badger State Governor and 2016 contender Scott Walker, climbing on the Rudy Giuliani crazy bus, says he has no way of knowing whether or not President Obama is a Christian. Great. Just what we need. The first president of the 21st century to not know how Google works.
Evil Mr. Broccoli Stalk (right) still enjoys
haunting the dreams of George H.W. Bush.
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CHEERS to vetting our vittles. In yet another victory for First Lady Michelle Obama's vicious crusade to put the freedom-loving plus-size apparel industry out of business, a top government advisory panel has launched an attack on misinformation by
updating the nation's eating guidelines. Among the job-killing tyranny they're trying to shove down our throats: less meat, way the hell less sugar, eggs are okay now, but you still gotta eat 180 servings of freaking veggies. To get Republicans to participate in the new initiative, junk food will be labeled, "Barack Hussein Obama Wants You To Eat This," and the healthy foods will be labeled, "Barack Hussein Obama Doesn’t Want You To Eat This." Too easy.
JEERS to really crappy odds. On today's date in 1836, three thousand Mexicans attacked 182 Texans at The Alamo:
Photo evidence! Reagan
defending the Alamo!
Brandishing his assault rifle, General Ronald Reagan and his second-in-command, Colonel Rick Perry, took turns picking off the attackers as Sarah Palin and Ted Cruz loaded and fired the two functional cannons. After Democrats fled in panic, Louie Gohmert and members of the Tea Party Patriots arrived in the nick of time to save the day. The surrender ceremony was conducted on a battleship, followed by a ticker tape parade. That's why today San Antonio is the capitol of the United States and God hates Democrats.
Um, Texas school board textbook committee? I think we need to have a little chat.
The race from the Goodyear blimp.
ZOOM ZOOM to little boys in their internal-combustion toys. The
Daytona 500 happened yesterday. The event featured professionals (including second-youngest-winner-ever Joey Logano) expending a lot of fuel to go 'round and 'round in circles but not actually get anywhere, while occasionally bumping into walls, catching fire and watching their wheels fly off, and if innocent bystanders get scraped up, well, that's rugged individualism, so no refunds. They shoulda called it the GOP 2016.
P.S. The Oscars were also yesterday and the winners were Birdman, the drummer guy, Stephen Hawking, the lady who's still Alice, and Patricia Arquette for Boyhood. The latter dedicated her award to "[the women who] gave birth to every citizen and taxpayer of this nation. We have fought for everybody else's equal rights. It's our time to have wage equality once and for all, and equal rights for women in the United States of America." As if the right-wingers didn’t have enough to freak out about.
CHEERS to Sir Inksalot. On this date in 1455, Johannes "Steve" Gutenberg printed the first book: the Bible. While proofing it, he noticed that the page numbers went 360, 361, 362, 364...and spent the next six days pounding his head on the table.
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Ten years ago in C&J: February 23, 2005
CHEERS to this excerpt from John Leo's column (link now defunct) in U.S. News, back when blogging was still straaaange and mysterious to the traditional media:
"We can fact-check without you
pesky bloggers, thank ye kindly!"
"Why some in mainstream media keep depicting bloggers as inaccurate is a mystery. In the blogs I follow, accuracy is crucially important, and errors have to be admitted quickly, usually on the day of the mistake. Glenn Reynolds of Instapundit.com suggests that mainstream media might want to hire some bloggers to check their stories before publication. This is a cheeky but polite reminder that bloggers are in the checking business and big media should get used to having someone looking over their shoulder."
And that, kids, is why I always blog in John Leo-print jammies.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the best candy turds in the wurld. On this date in 1896, the Tootsie Roll---not quite fudge, not quite chocolate, but as addictive as both---was introduced by Leo Hirshfield. (His five-year-old daughter's nickname was "Tootsie.") This would probably be a good time to present the latest data on how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop:
WARNING: Stop pestering Mr. Owl about those
#!%&!! Tootsie Pops or he'll claw your eyes out.
Purdue University licking machine: 364
Purdue University students: 252
University of Michigan licking machine: 411
Swarthmore Junior High students: 144
And New York University claimed last week to have a lock on the number based on its experiments with applied mathematics: 1,000.
I still make a point to eat a few Tootsie Rolls every day. Nothing better to keep an ulcer plugged.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
“I do not believe, and I know this is a horrible thing to say, but I do not believe that Bill in Portland Maine loves Cheers and Jeers"
---America's Mayor
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