From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
The Shortest Shark Tank Product Pitch Ever
[Shark Tank intro music: Bom bom bombombombombom…BOM BOM! BOM BOM!]
Pitchman enters: Hello, sharks. I'm Idaho State Representative Vito Barbieri, and I'm seeking your support for my amazing new invention, the VaginaCam. It's a tiny camera that a woman swallows, and it ends up in her vagina where her doctor can remotely determine if she's pregnant or not. And here at the state house we'll tap into the video and take a peek. And if they try to use abortion-inducing medication, we'll cuff 'em and throw 'em in the slammer. It's the perfect solution for preventing small-government conservatives like me from coming off as big-government privacy-intruding nut jobs. Because, you see, my VaginaCam is really really small. Now, let me show you the…
Shark #1: I'm out.
Shark #2: I'm out.
Shark #3: I'm out.
Shark #4: I'm out.
Shark #5: I'm out.
Presenter: But I'm not done with my...
Sharks: OUT!!!
[Shark Tank exit music: BOM BOM! BOM BOM!]
Maybe he'll have better luck next time with his teeny tiny GaysInTheBedroomCam.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Note: Tonight on Eyewitness News, EMTs break into the "No-Spin Zone" using the jaws of life to treat Bill O'Reilly for severe dizziness-related injuries. Film at 11.
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9 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the next full moon:
8
Days 'til
Bockfest 2015 in Cincinnati:
9
Expected cost to clean up Boston from all the snowstorms:
$125 million
Expected loss in economic activity in Boston from the winter of 2015:
$1 billion
(Source:
Washington Post)
Cups of coffee per day that have been shown to lower your risk of heart disease and diabetes:
5
(Source: FiveThirtyEight.com)
Weight of each Jenga block in
caterpillar's new ad that's gone viral:
600 lbs.
Year Edvard Grieg wrote
In the Hall of the Mountain King, which is used in the caterpillar ad:
1875
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 177 (including 3 Supernaturals and 1 day so gay it might affect the earth's orbit). Soul Protection Factor 12 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Yes, even dogs get the fever for which the only prescription is more cowbell… (Volume on/off is in lower righthand corner.)
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CHEERS to a little chat among friends. While Republicans continue to cite the president's immigration executive orders as their reason for holding up homeland security funding, Barack Obama fires back tonight in a televised Miami town hall meeting with Jose Diaz-Balart starting at 8ET on MSNBC. Certain to dominate the discussion will be a judge's halt to those orders:
Shameless plug!
The decision marked a crushing blow to hundreds of thousands of young, undocumented immigrants who had waited months for the first day of enrollment to open up. Instead, just one day before the program was slated to launch, administration officials announced on Tuesday they would comply with the judge’s orders and postpone the executive actions indefinitely. … The Justice Department swiftly responded to the ruling by announcing Tuesday that officials plan to appeal Judge Hanen’s decision. … Even in the best case scenario for the administration, time is not on its side.
Pretty courageous to face a room full of people who are mad as hornets and have no reason to believe anything will change, and legitimately so. And, call me a pessimist, but I don’t think the Steve King piñatas are going to bring much comfort.
JEERS to Rahm's Gulag. This doesn't surprise me, exactly. But it still leaves me almost speechless:
"Disappear them. Leave no traces. Go!!!"
The Chicago police department operates an off-the-books interrogation compound, rendering Americans unable to be found by family or attorneys while locked inside what lawyers say is the domestic equivalent of a CIA black site.
The facility, a nondescript warehouse on Chicago’s west side known as Homan Square, has long been the scene of secretive work by special police units. Interviews with local attorneys and one protester who spent the better part of a day shackled in Homan Square describe operations that deny access to basic constitutional rights.
Once again, it takes the foreign press---in this case
The Guardian---to rip the lid off yet
another "thing" that makes the term
American exceptionalism an increasingly-cruel joke. Meanwhile, the odious Emanuel was on the ballot yesterday with four other candidates and
missed the 50-percent-plus-one threshold he needed to win outright. So that means six more weeks of campaigning, during which he'll have to explain to voters why they should pay no attention to that mini-Gitmo behind the curtain. Good luck.
This year's lineup is boffo!
JEERS to Comedy Central's evil twin. Today marks the start of the annual knee-slappin' hootenanny that is the
CPAC convention. What you'll see: anger, rage, crazy, tried-and-failed ideas, madness, pretzel-twisted logic, xenophobia, homophobia, immigrant-o-phobia, Islamophobia, isolationism, birtherism, secession and denial, denial, denial. Plus exciting discussions about the groundbreaking new Republican agenda of tax cuts, annexation of the vagina and...um...did we mention tax cuts? Oh well. At least some people will benefit from it: D.C.'s hookers.
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Please rise
And now, a special word from President Barack H. Obama to Congress after receiving a bill that would transfer authority over the Keystone XL pipeline approval process from the executive branch to the legislative branch:
Now back to Cheers and Jeers…
Please be seated
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CHEERS to having a job to go back to. Here in Maine (and Vermont and New Hampshire), over 1,700 workers voted to return to work at Fairpoint Communications after a four-month strike that consumed a lot of attention up here and got ugly at times:
The 3½-year agreement took effect Sunday and will remain in effect through Aug. 4, 2018. “This is great news for our members, their families and our communities,” said Peter McLaughlin, chairman of the union bargaining committee and business manager of International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers Local 2327 in Maine. “Our members remained united and committed to this fight for more than four months, and today we have a fair deal that will bring them back to work and good service back to our communities.”
Had the employees not been unionized, management would've smushed 'em like bugs and demanded they be thanked for it. Hooray for unions.
"Cheeese!"
CHEERS to being a fly on the wall. One can only imagine what really happened on February 25, 1793, when George Washington held his first cabinet meeting at his estate at Mount Vernon. But one thing is certain: Hamilton was convinced that Jefferson's mother wore combat boots, and Jefferson was positive that Hamilton would be best served by irrigating his nose with a rubber hose. I believe the president sent them both to bed without supper.
CHEERS to anticipation. In Michigan, it’s the last throes for a 28-foot-tall agave plant. It's an unusual species: the agave plant sits on its ass for decades, demanding special attention from gawkers while accomplishing nothing of value to its world, and then it spits up and dies. So pretty much the Rush Limbaugh of the botany world.
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Ten years ago in C&J: February 25, 2005
CHEERS to Time magazine's "Blogwatch." Kos and Americablog get props for exposing the "mysterious tale of Jim Guckert." But c'mon, editors, let's bump this story up next week to a space larger than a matchbox.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to Deep Thoughts...by Jack Handy. Like Stephen Wright, he can cram more beautiful, bizarre absurdity into a sentence or two than most people can in a thousand. His books, which I've dog-eared to death, have a place of honor on my bookshelf. Without further ado, here are a few of our favorite Deep Thoughts to celebrate his 66th birthday:
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind." Basically, it's made up of two separate words---"mank" and "ind." What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you." So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex.
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!
Probably one of the worst things about being a genie in a magic lamp is a little thing called "lamp stench."
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess was why several of us died of tuberculosis.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
In some countries, what I did would be considered polite, especially Fartland.
Have a deep Wednesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Cheers and Jeers Museum allows Visitors to Use Swoosh Gong Machines
---Maine News Onlione
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