Consider this:
I’m a clinical social worker and practicing family therapist. Long ago I discovered that I could practice listening, a necessary skill in the therapy business, by writing stories. The exercise of writing is much like listening insofar as when one acutely listens one also contrasts and compares what is heard with what is stored in order to arrive at understanding. Consider this example and think about what might happen or even about how you might intervene:
A single father brings his number three child to the clinic. This twelve year old boy has been fighting at school. He sticks his nose into everyone else’s business and tells them they are wrong in what they are doing, how they are doing it or how they are thinking. His wisdom is not well received. But the father, he goes by J.B., is even more concerned about what is happening at home. The boy is essentially holding the family hostage.
The family consists of J.B., sixteen year old Steve, fourteen year old Sarah, twelve year old T. Paul, ten year old Teddy, eight year old Joni and six year old Newt. Mom is long gone. She loved babies but as soon as they were old enough to talk back she had another baby and left the care of the older ones up to J.B. Eventually she tired of that and found a wealthy boyfriend and departed. J.B. is still in love with her, thinks about her all the time and longs for the day she returns. T. Paul looks just like her so whenever he has one of his tyrant tantrums J.B. just can’t bring himself to put his foot down. Mostly he gives in. Steve bails out having long abandoned any semblance of big brotherly responsibility or of parental respect and has taken to referring to his father as B.J. Sarah has become the family spokesperson. She’s the public face of the family always painting a sunny picture of family harmony while poor J.B. toils away.
T. Paul was always a, “difficult child”. He never slept through the night. He still wets the bed. He’s sensitive to light, sound air, smells, touch, movement and most everything that he contacts. When he doesn’t get what he thinks he wants he decides, “it’s not fair”, and rapidly escalates into a tantrum. J.B. tries to calm him saying, “I’m trying to understand”. T. Paul screams back, over and over, “You aren’t listening to me”. It’s like a seizure and in time he runs out of steam and falls asleep. It never makes any rational sense but J.B. covers him with a blanket and sits by him. The older two roll their eyes. The younger three are starting to think that T. Paul is on the right track.
The hostage taking event occurred last week. T. Paul wanted something, nobody remembers what it was, didn’t get it and melted down. During the night, when everyone else was sleeping he got up and quietly tip toed into his father’s room, carefully slid open the closet door, climbed up the shelves built into the north end and reached up to the back of the top shelf. He grabbed ahold of the object wrapped in a red terry cloth hand towel, climbed back down and crept back to his room. The next morning at breakfast he announced that he still wanted whatever it was he’d wanted the night before or maybe it was something else. Then he smiled and looked at J.B. and said, “You can have grandpa’s gun back when I get it”. That got everyone’s attention.
Then Steve spoke up, “Nice try dumbass. There’s no bullets. There’s never been any bullets in the house.” And he got up and left. T. Paul was quiet. Everyone went about their business. That night, after J.B. got home and was making himself something to eat, dinner time was on your own at their house, T. Paul announced, “I have your wallet Dad. You can have it back when you get me some bullets”. The hostage taking had begun.
Imagine J.B. and T. Paul in your office. What do you do? Having encountered similar situations I can tell you that there are many possible scenarios including violent outcomes. But what do you, as an interested party with some responsibility in a situation like this? It is never as simple as just take control of the kid. Some parents would buy the bullets. Some therapists would spend weeks exploring why the kid wets the bed. Some would recommend calling the police or hospitalizing the boy. Some would punt by referring to a psychiatrist for medication saying that nothing could be accomplished until the obvious untreated depression is managed. Some parents would come to one session and not return. Others would put all the responsibility on the professionals and stop doing anything. Some kids would have a tantrum in the waiting room refusing to come into the office and shatter the glass insert on the clinic door. Lots of things could happen. But what would you do?