From the recent
Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber. M&M covered vanilla ice followed for dessert.
"I know you are all wondering why I'm here tonight. It's because Martha Stewart changes people's lives for the better. Like Shaq for instance, when Shaq bought his house, I was the first person he called. The house had 13 bedrooms and I helped convert eight of them into refrigerators. I believe the bedroom is the most important room in the house but I don't have to tell you that, Ludacris. You have three kids with three different women. May I suggest pulling out some time and finishing on some fine highly absorbent Martha Stewart bed linens?
"It's nice to see Snoop again, one of the highest-rated episodes on my show, Martha Stewart Living, was when Snoop and I made brownies together. I've used his recipe ever since. As a matter of fact, I ate three of them right before they called and asked me to do this roast. Snoop, I see that you have been following my beauty regimen. You would never know that Snoop Dogg is 43 now, which is three times as long as actual dogs live and twice as long as most of his friends.
"Let's get to the reason I'm here tonight which is to give Justin Bieber some tips to use when he inevitably ends up in prison. I've been in lockup and you wouldn't last a week, so pay attention. The first thing you'll need is a shank. I made mine out of a pin tail comb and a pack of gum. It's so simple. I found Bubbalicious works best and it's so much fun to say. When I did my stretch, all the hood rats on my cell block wanted to break off a piece of Martha Stewart's ass, so I decided some bitch needed to get got. I walked into the chow hall, picked out the biggest bull dyke and I stuck her. From then on, prison was easier than making blueberry scones. Shaq, I hope your mom doesn't still hold a grudge.
"Justin, before I go, here is my final piece of advice. You need to settle down, bring some balance into your life, find yourself the right gal but she'll have to be someone on your level, someone powerful and famous and rich, someone you can smoke a joint with or indulge in the occasional three-way. I'm talking about a playa in the board room and a freak in the bedroom.
"So Justin, my final piece of advice is, call me."
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