"F&#$k this President s$@t" was how former Governor Chris Christie began his news conference today in which he announced that in a multiparty deal:
Sen. Bob Menendez will step down and Christie will simultaneously:
Appoint himself as NJ Senator.
Resign as Governor.
Appoint David Samson as ad hoc, pro tem Governor pro hac vice.
Make three nominations for head of the Port Authority: David Wildstein, Bill Baroni and a corrupt politician to be named later.
"Look," he said on the boardwalk at Atlantic City, "I've accomplished everything I set out to do as Governor. I killed the ARC Tunnel, sentencing NY and NJ to years of pollution, traffic nightmares and potential disaster under the Hudson. (Oh, and don't forget tens of thousands of Tunnel jobs lost.) I bottled up Sandy Aid and used it for political purposes. I got a low-ball settlement with Exxon to bail me out of budget problems. I reneged on pension promises. I engineered a massive Bridge tie-up. (Get it? Engineered?)."
"My work here is done."
He continued, "Not to mention I'm also sick and tired of trying to please Bible thumping idiots in cornfields in the middle of nowhere. (Isn't it great that I can say that now?)"
"I have utmost faith in General Samson as Governor. He brings to the job the same level of venality and indifference I was able to implement over the last six years of my term. I am confident the General can maintain the same level of favoritism and neglect of the public trust New Jerseyans have gotten used to since 2009. The General will, of course, remain with his firm, Wolf Samson, while Governor "
"As Senator, I hope to expand my program of malfeasance and venom nationally."
"Questions?"
A sixtyish woman carrying a marble notebook began, "I am a teacher -----"
Christie interrupted "“I am tired of you people. What do you want?(1) Next!"
An aide handed Christie an ice cream cone and he took the next question from an adorable 8 year old girl:
"Um, Governor, today in school --- "
Christie interrupted: "You're a real big shot shootin' your mouth off! Keep walkin' away! Keep walkin' away! Slurp.(2) Next!"
An environmental activist began, "About Sandy aid ---
Christie interrupted, "Sit down and shut up.(3) Next!"
Finally, Christie announced that his first act as Senator will be to introduce a resolution abolishing the practice of Senatorial Courtesy, commenting "F&$k those guys."
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(1) Somers Point, NJ Nov. 2013.
(2) Seaside Heights NJ Boardwalk, July 5, 2012
(3) Belmar, NJ, 10/28/14.