Jon Stewart checked in on most of the 2016 candidates and reviewed their Sunday talk show rounds. But, he saved the best for last with several hard-hitting jabs to the Bush brothers and Jeb's comments on authorizing war against Iraq. Transcription and video below:
Stewart: Meanwhile, the presidential race continues to heat up. This weekend, many of the early candidates are making the talk rounds. It's the subject of tonight's "Democalypse 2016–release the vetting!"
First up, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee! (clip of Huckabee on Face the Nation, Bob Schieffer asking Huckabee about a diabetes cure he once peddled)
Stewart: Schieffer's referring to an informercial Huckabee did touting a diabetes reversal kit featuring diet changes and the aforementioned medically-questionable pills made of cinnamon and something called chromium picolinate. We all remember, of course, that ingredient made famous by the chromium picolinate challenge on YouTube. Mike Huckabee, how do you plead?
(Back to Face the Nation Clip) Huckabee: If that's the worst thing anybody can say about me is that I advocated for people who have diabetes, uhh, to do something to reverse it and stop the incredible pain of that? Then I'm going to be a heck of a good president.
Stewart: Look. First of all, the unrealism of that statement. (audience laughter) If the worst thing that you can say about me is I leveraged my reputation as an elected official to sell a specious cure to enrich myself from those suffering with a debilitating disease, then....yeah, it's pretty fucking bad. But, Huckabee isn't the only candidate answering for past errors, either in judgement or statement.
(Clip of Ben Carson on Fox News Sunday with Chris Wallace) Wallace: You have compared our government today to Nazi Germany. Do you really believe that? Here's what you said about Obamacare. The worst thing since slavery?
Stewart: You know what? Unless Ben Carson's immediate response–yeah, you know what? I'm not qualified to run for presidency, I don't think we need to hear anything more from him. (pause) Alright, the candidates.....seriously? Slavery? Nazi Germany? Buh-bye.
The candidates aren't the only ones being vetted. See if you can spot which member of this interview also deserves to get primaries out of 2016.
(Clip of Ted Cruz interview) Interviewer: It seems to be your last name is Cruz and you're from Texas, just based on that, should you have an appeal to Hispanic voters? I want to close to talk a little bit more about your Cuban heritage. You got a favorite Cuban food? Do you like Cuban music? A favorite Cuban singer?
Stewart: Senator Cruz, uhh, I'd like you to finish this sentence for me, if you would. Upside, inside out, she's living la vida.....blank. La vida blank.....senator? Anything, senator? Are you even Hispanic, senator? What? Senator? Uh, anyway, the interview was pretty horrible! And it got mas...uhh....worse.
(Back to interview clip) Interviewer to Cruz: Alright, finally, want to give you the opportunity to directly welcome your colleague, Senator Sanders, to the race and I'd like you to do it, if you would, en espanol.
Stewart: Or, senator, if you prefer to dance the greeting, as I'm told your people enjoy, I will allow you to do that. (Jon pulls out instruments and music starts) Don't be shy, senator! Come on, baby! Dance for me, senator!
Now, right now the two front runners both represent dynastic families. The race could come down to how each candidate handles their prospective relationship to their family's legacy. And actually could come down to all kinds of things. It's 18 months away, it could come down to anything. First up, Hillary Clinton.
(News clip of Hillary Clinton calling for incarceration reform, marriage equality and immigration reform, in contrast with the laws President Bill Clinton signed)
Stewart: It's like she's running against Bill's record. I mean, trouble in paradise, you know what I mean? And by paradise, I mean, a politically symbiotic relationship based on mutual ambition for global domination.
What's Jeb's angle?
(Clips of media talking about Jeb citing George W. Bush as his foreign policy advisor)
Stewart: One of this top foreign policy advisors........for him to poop on? There's got to be a final clause in that sentence, right? Because I think at this point, most of America agrees that when it comes to foreign policy, George W. Bush is an excellent painter.
(Fox News clip of Jeb Bush telling Fox News host Megyn Kelly he would still invade Iraq, knowing what we know now)
Stewart: (mumbles and grumbles) When an Iraq war question starts with, "knowing what we know now...." Hell yes, I'd still do it is not an acceptable response! Sure I'd get on the Titanic again, I mean at the time it had a terrific buffet. Was Jeb Bush actually choosing to associate himself with all of his brother's baggage?
(Clips of media discussing whether Jeb Bush misheard the question)
Stewart: Yeah, no, I think that is probably correct. Longterm, mentioning his brother's name is like wearing an "I fuck dogs" shirt during your campaign. You might be appealing to a small fringe of dead enders, but most people don't want another dog fucking president. (clip of Stewart and cast joking about President Harding)