This is not the diary I had planned to write.
It began as a few introductory paragraphs to a diary about raising a child with special needs alone. But once I started telling about how I came to be a single parent, I found that I wanted to go into more detail than I have in writing before. I must have found a new level of trust here at Daily Kos, or this group became a forum where I felt safe.
I have written about my son before, so some of you already know some of his problems, including his FAS and mental illness and drug abuse. He is 30 now, and his life is very difficult. But his story begins as a love story.
When I turned 40, I had ended a three-year relationship with a man during which I had helped him get out of prison, and seen him sink afterwards into an alcohol and drug abuser, unable to deal with living free. I left after three months. Then I sort of fell into a long-distance relationship with an old college friend, which went nowhere. I thought seriously about what I really wanted. I wasn't doing real well with men, I was getting older, and I still wanted a family.
My decision to adopt came first when I fell in love with a sister and brother I was working with whose social services plan was for adoption. I discussed whether I could adopt them in my therapy and supervision for a year. Working as I did with many children in foster care, I often felt that I wanted to care for them; the fantasy never got past my front door. I talked about it in my therapy and supervision for a year, and then told their social worker. I went through a home study, which process was almost complete when their foster parents changed their mind and decided they could adopt them.
A home study is a bit like a pregnancy. My social worker asked what I wanted to do. My decision had originally been because of these specific children, but I felt I was going through a process that would not be complete without a child at the end of it. I became a "waiting parent."
It isn't easy for a single woman to adopt. After 18 months or so of sending my home study to the social workers for a number of children I saw in the Adoption Exchange (during which I furnished a room, occasionally buying a book or toy, replacing old dishes and cookware, what my social worker called nesting) another social worker contacted her. She needed a family willing to act as a visiting resource for a seven-year-old boy who was not yet in the adoption unit, but whose ultimate plan would be adoption. She did not have much information except that he was aggressive at some of his foster homes. My social worker thought I was a good match. I agreed.
Then I received a bundle of records from DSS, including numerous evaluations - so many actually that they lacked validity. They just evaluated him over and over, but did nothing else for him; they needed a visiting resource for him because they wanted to place him in a six-month behavioral hospital program and needed a family for week-ends and to participate in treatment.
After reading the file, I began to feel that he might have more serious needs than a working single mom could handle. But because I doubted the reports, I asked if I could meet him before making a final decision. Because I was a professional who worked with children, this was arranged. I went to meet with him at school.
I don't want to go into detail about that first meeting. He was a tiny boy who was clearly sick of meeting strangers who asked him to do things. Mostly he refused to do anything with the toys I had brought, but there were one of two things that concerned me. Then, as I was putting my things away, I saw him putting a hot wheels car into his pocket. I asked him whose car it was. His answer won me over. "You don't need it, you're not a kid," he said, but when I put out my hand he handed it over. He always liked for me to tell that story to friends and family, sometimes even prompting me to tell it.
I had a long week-end before giving my answer. I went back and forth, but eventually found myself wanting to tell whatever family he went to why they shouldn't believe everything they read. In my mind, he was already mine.
I was right about his having what my social worker called "the spark", and also about his being too much for me. If I had seen him written up in the Adoption Exchange, I would have moved on. I had planned to write about what came afterwards; that will have to wait for another diary.
SpiritSisters
≈
Beautiful graphic used with permission of artist Michelle Robinson.
SpiritSisters: Writing In Women's Voices is a group of women from all walks of life who have come together to tell our stories and discuss women's issues and rights. We come from every ethnic group, from multiple sexual orientations and gender identities, from a broad spectrum of ability status, from a wide array of socioeconomic classes, and from a diversity of traditions and cultures – spiritual, religious, and secular.
Dominant culture narratives do not represent our lives; they elide, alter, and erase. We are sisters in spirit, and we are taking back our narratives. We are joining together in a circle of mutual trust and support to share our stories, our histories, our identities, our very selves, as individual women and as members of all of the diverse communities and intersections where we live — and doing so in our own voices.
We discuss the harms women experience when the dominant culture does not accurately consider, believe or hear women's voices.
We will also celebrate and share the strengths of our sisters in struggle, and the stories of women who are making a difference.
SpiritSisters will be posting Thursday 4:30 pm (Pacific)/7:30 pm (Eastern) each week, and additional postings when members have time available. We are sending email notices (BCC to ensure privacy of email addresses) when diaries are posted. If you would like to join our email list, please kosmail rb137.
If you are interested in hearing our voices and reading our stories, we ask that you click "Follow."
SpiritSisters:
Andrea Spande, Denise Oliver Velez, Diogenes2008, JoanMar, kishik, mixedbag, moviemeister76, nomandates, Onomastic, Patriot Daily News Clearinghouse, peregrine kate, poco, ramara, rb137, shanikka, TexMex, TrueBlueMajority, Vita Brevis, and Yasuragi.