I laughed so hard ... and now I can't wait for the Late Show on September 8.
Full transcript below.
Hello people watching this discreetly at work. Stephen Colbert here, nice headphones. I’m here to say congratulations, gays. You now have the right to marry in all 50 states. So if you’re a homosexual and living in North Dakota, all your problems are solved. Enjoy Dakota Pride Week!
Wow. History moves fast. It’s hard to believe that gay Americans achieved full constitutional personhood just five years after corporations did. Folks, I was so excited when I saw the news. Though at first I had the TV on mute and I thought they had legalized rainbows.
Of course, not everyone’s celebrating. My condolences to gays with commitment issues who are asking their partner if we can PLEASE TALK ABOUT THIS WHEN I GET HOME FROM WORK TODAY.
Also unhappy? Four of the nine Supreme Court justices. I’ll let you guess which ones. Here’s a hint:
(Grimaces and growls, muttering “gay bad”)
And speaking of which, I’ve got the ruling right here. First of all, talk about padding your page count. Look at these margins! That’s crazy, guys, your teacher’s going to know. And those four guys are steamed, but for the record, not because they’re against gay marriage. In fact, in his dissent, Chief Justice Roberts encourages marriage equality supporters to, quote:
“Celebrate the achievement of a desired goal. Celebrate the opportunity for a new expression of commitment to a partner. Celebrate the availability of new benefits. But do not celebrate the Constitution. It had nothing to do with it.”
So gay couples, you can expect this card from him at your wedding: “You guys are perfect for each other, and a cancer on our democracy.”
No, Justice Scalia was a little more nuanced in his criticism, writing that if he ever joined an opinion that began the way Justice Kennedy’s majority decision did, quote, “I would hide my head in a bag.” I could have sworn he was already hiding his head in a flesh-toned cinch sack. Please come on my show, sir.
Scalia also took issue with the majority’s view that marriage is about free expression, grumbling:
Expression, sure enough, is a freedom, but anyone in a long-lasting marriage will attest that that happy state constricts, rather than expands, what one can prudently say.
Which is both a fiery dissent and the world’s longest Lockhorns comic.
Then Scalia summed up his disgust with the majority’s flowery language by complaining:
The Supreme Court of the United States has descended from … disciplined legal reasoning to the mystical aphorisms of the fortune cookie.
And he’s right. I’ve got a fortune cookie right here and let’s see what she says. All right: “The history of marriage is both one of continuity and change.”
…in bed.
Today’s lucky numbers: 5 to 4.
The point is, it’s an historic day for gay people of all stripes. Not that all gay people have stripes. I just know it’s a very popular motif this time of year. Happy Pride weekend!