It's November 2016, and we're at the final Presidential debate.
The moderator announces: "Hi, I'm Jon Stewart. I didn't have anything else to do tonight, and in a weird way I've missed all these clowns, so I'll be your host for tonight's clusterf*ck. As you know, the Republican race has resulted in an 18-way tie. Trump would have had it, but his hair was declared a sentient being - at least, more sentient than him - and snagged the 18th spot. On the Democratic side, a pie shortage has resulted in Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders running for a co-presidency. I'm sure tonight's debate will be very illuminating."
But first, a word from our sponsor - Arby's!
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STEWART: The first question is not for Donald Trump.
TRUMP: You're fired!
STEWART: I already quit, fool. My first question is for Chris Christie. As the son of a teacher, I'd like you to explain your remark that teachers should be "punched in the face."
CHRISTIE: I didn't say "should be." I said "would be." That'll be official Education Department policy. Scott Walker's going to hold them down and I'll punch them.
PERRY: But I'm eliminating the Education Department, along with the EPA, and.....
EVERYONE: Oops.
STEWART: I don't think the glasses are working, Rick. Next question is for Hillary Clinton. By agreement with our co-sponsor, Fox Noise, I'm contractually obligated to ask: How many exclamation points do I have to put after each mention of BENGHAZI!?
CLINTON: I'll concede the White House right now to any Republican who can locate BENGHAZI! on a map.
(CRICKETS.)
STEWART: Well, I guess that settles that. Ted Cruz, after your party's endless babbling about President Obama's birthplace, why the silence about your own birth in Canada?
CRUZ: Me? What about Trumps' hair? I'll bet that was manufactured in Bangladesh by kids making 18 cents a day!
TRUMP'S HAIR: Hey, I resent that! Everyone knows I'm from the planet Tribble.
GRAHAM: Jon, could you do one of your impressions of me, please? No one's paying attention to me.
KASICH: You? What about me? I can't even remember if I'm Jindal or Gilmore.
PATAKI: I thought you were Ben Carson.
STEWART: Next question is for Bernie Sanders.
SANDERS: Actually, Hillary and I have decided to just sit here and eat popcorn while you go to town on these losers. You've been missed, Jon.
STEWART: Aw, thanks. Next question is for Carly Fiorina. How is it that you get knocked for your crappy record at HP, while no one mentions Trump's assorted bankruptcies, including a casino?
FIORINA: I know, right? How in blazes does a casino go broke? It's the closest thing to legalized theft.
STEWART: Other than Wall Street, sure. Rick Santorum, on Rachel Maddow's show you nonpologized for comparing same-sex relationships to "man-on-dog sex," but also said you stood by the substance of those remarks. Are you sure you want to use the word substance?
SANTORUM: Look, I'm just saying that homosexuals are icky! And women who use slut pills are icky! In fact, women who have sex at all are icky!
STEWART: Jeb Bush, how do you plan on getting the American public over their aversion to having another President named Bush?
BUSH: My quadrillionaire backers are going to pay for a time machine to go back and change my name to something else. So far the top picks are Koch or Floridaman.
STEWART: Go with Schiavo. Mike Huckabee, you've previously suggested imprisoning people with HIV, and more recently said you'd use federal troops to prevent abortions, presumably by shooting pregnant women. How is it that the media still talk about how nice you are?
HUCKABEE: They're too scared to criticize me, because they know I'm packing heat.
STEWART: How many Republican candidates are packing heat?
(All hands go up. Squinting through his glasses, Perry mistakes Trump's hair for an intruder and fires a shot. They all grab their guns, and the next few moments are a confusion of bullets and smoke.)
STEWART: I'm sorry folks, but apparently a bullet shattered Marco Rubio's water bottle, and the shrapnel punctured all the Republicans' egos, releasing enormous amounts of hot air and doing so much damage to the climate that they all admitted to the existence of global warming, with the result that the Republican Party has pulled their nominations and will not be fielding a candidate.
(APPLAUSE.)
STEWART: Unfortunately, Secretary Clinton and Senator Sanders laughed so hard that they choked on their popcorn and will be hospitalized for an indeterminate period. Their Vice Presidential running mate will be stepping in as President, right after he delivers the Moment of Zen.
LINCOLN CHAFFEE: Metric system, here we come!
On to Top Comments!
From 2thanks:
Angela Marx (Angie in WA State), running for office in the State of Washington, commits to supporting the Michael Brown Over-Policed Rights Act in the weekly diary of the Daily Kos group Support the Dream Defenders.
Thanks again to all the TC Editors.
2t
From
RockyMtnLib:
pasadena beggar posted this comment in the Diary ""This is Unprecedented" - NFL Star Arian Foster's Support for Secular Americans".
From
Steven Payne:
In SemDem's diary Trump: Megyn "Bimbo" and Has "Blood Coming Out of Somewhere Else", GreenPA pretty much summed it all up for us in this perfect comment.
From
your humble (if antisocial) diarist:
In LaFeminista's diary Trump barred from CPAC for misogyny, Ha ha ha, happymisanthropy had a fine pictorial comment, which prompted an excellent response from Lily O Lady.
Top mojo, courtesy of mik:
1) I hope that this is the beginning... by cinepost +181
2) Taking questions by Donna Edwards +170
3) I disagree. by Jen Hayden +149
4) I support the deal. by Donna Edwards +139
5) Loved Bernie's second most retweeted of the night: by NYFM +136
6) I used to think Rick Scott here in Florida... by markthshark +124
7) He's safe politically. But if he were to be ousted by David Harris Gershon +119
8) A 9 word diary that speaks volumes by yojimbo +105
9) Yes, and it was truly amusing. by TomP +95
10) my best bernie-tweets : by Sybil Liberty +93
10) This Is A Terrible Vote For Schumer by rssrai +93
12) Trump is the drunk uncle at America's by yojimbo +92
13) That's tough by Donna Edwards +88
14) Redistricting by Donna Edwards +87
14) I predict that Trump will rise in the polls. by TomP +87
16) Most corrupt governor... by snarkylgbtdem +84
17) Good lord, there is a lot of competition ... by anastasia p +82
18) Did she actually say anything... by analyticFunction +80
19) Hillary supports the deal by MBishop1 +79
19) Amash/Conyers Amendment by Donna Edwards +79
21) Blue Klux Klan by xxdr zombiexx +78
22) He's one of Wall Streets favorite Senators by Puddytat +74
23) Ah, I forgot Paul LePage (R-ME) by snarkylgbtdem +73
23) She supports Obama's Iran deal by skohayes +73
25) Reasoning? by Paleo +72
26) Thanks! by Donna Edwards +71
27) I think he showed last night that he's by blue aardvark +68
27) A watershed moment by beltane +68
27) Glad you're here. by TomP +68
30) They don't just support her by RationalistSF +65
30) Dick Durbin for leader by Paleo +65
30) I donated and support Bernie. by Chris Reeves +65
Picture quilt, courtesy of jotter: