My mother either voluntarily gave me up at birth, or allowed my father's powerful family to take me from her; either way, the result is that I have always had a feeling of abandonment and as if I don't really belong.
It didn't help that when I did visit my mom as a young child - and later went to live with her as a teenager - that she turned out to be a vicious, abusive, homicidal monster of a mother. At 8 yrs of age I was sent to visit my mom for a weekend. Instead of sending me back home to my father's family - where I had my own bedroom, bathroom, and nanny - my mom in an attempt to spite the family sent me to live with my grandma. My first night at this new home, as I lay squished up beside my great-gran, I could hear my grandma fighting with her husband. He was shouting at the top of his lungs that he didn't want me there. I couldn't stay. I must leave tomorrow morning.
Well, my grandma ran things so I stayed, but I never forgot that I wasn't wanted there. That I didn't belong.
I learned to protect myself by not asking for anything from my mom or from anyone else, for that matter. I didn't ask for anything and I very rarely got anything and that was fine with me.
I tell you all of the above so as to give you an idea of just what your generosity meant to me. I have cried a lot over the last month. I have cried tears of grief, tears of sadness, tears of regret, and tears of anger. Thanks to you, I have also shed tears of wonderment and disbelief, tears of gratitude. In the midst of my darkest hour, you provided light, and hope, and beauty. A special thank you to each and every one of you. My heart is full and overflowing.
This amazing community responded to calls made on my behalf to the tune of $11,189.00. Simply unbelievable.
Thank you. Thank you to the person who sent $1.23 with love, and to the person who sent $2,500.00 with beautiful words of comfort and support. Thank you for each and every amount you sent. Thank you for each diary, each comment, each rec, each tip, each promo, each card, each note, each Kosmail, each offer to call, each virtual hug, and each virtual kiss. Thank you. Thank you so, so much.
Because of your generosity, my daughter was buried and without me having to incur any long term debt. Out of the funds you contributed, I was even able to hire a pathologist to do a private autopsy.
I have asked a lot of questions over the last weeks: How? How could this happen? Why? What could I have done differently? I have found no satisfactory answers to my questions concerning the death of my daughter. I have, however, found the answer to the question having to do with why you'd do what you have done for me. The answer is, "Because we are a community and we take care of our own."
You, by your kindness, told me that I belong in this community, and for that I do thank you. Thank you so much. For everything.