From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Fresh off the mimeograph machine:
This Week's RNC Motivational Action List
Sept. 28 - Oct. 4
Monday Take all the time you need to reflect on all the positive and worthwhile things you learned over the weekend from the Values Voters Summit. Spend the remaining 23 hours, 59 minutes and 55 seconds reviewing your Obama impeachment list.
Tuesday Clear your head of "stinkin' thinkin'" by picturing a happy, placid scene of illegals being shipped back to Mexico in boxcars via the main entrance through the Great Wall of Trump.
Wednesday With that nip of fall in the air, today is a good day to write a letter to your local newspaper warning about the dangers of global cooling. Go ahead and make up your own facts---they'll print it anyway. This evening: tell your Seething At Hillary class instructor to kick it up a notch!
Thursday Butt-dial John Boehner and let one rip. Then scratch a pesky itch with your open-carry Glock, but don’t bother checking to see if it's unloaded because you're a responsible Republican gun owner so how could it not be?
Friday Don't take no for an answer, give no for an answer. Then practice mansplaining lady parts in front of a mirror so you'll be ready to win hearts and hoo-hahs at upcoming Thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings.
Weekend Join the March On Washington Against President Obama's Treasonous Act of Being President. But first have your Democrat neighbor spellcheck your signs.
All Week: Don’t bake a single thing for the gays.
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Have a great week! God Bless America and Money and Bombs!
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Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, September 28, 2015
Note: From the Eyewitness News desk, Volkswagen unveils its new advertising slogan: "Fudgevergnugen!" Film at 11.
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Vader balloon from the 2012
Albuquerque Balloon Fiesta.
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the first Democratic debate:
15
Days 'til the
Albuquerque International Balloon Fiesta:
5
Revised GDP in the second quarter:
3.9%
Expected spending per person on Halloween this year:
$74
(Source: National Retail Federation)
Percent of U.S. millennials (those ages 18-34) who identify as atheist or agnostic:
13%
Percent of Harvard freshmen who are atheist/agnostic:
38%
(Source:
The Washington Post)
Year by which humans were expected to start having sex with robots, according to a 2006 prediction by
the European Robotics Network:
2011
Totally Random NFL Score
New England Patriots 51 Jacksonville Jaguars 17
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Bull terriers in pajamas, anyone?
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On the U.N.'s agenda: renewing its
restraining order against John Bolton.
CHEERS to world peace...or a semi-close approximation thereof. If it's autumn in New York, that means it's
General Assembly time! All the leaders of the universe are assembled at the United Nations this week (Obama will share a few
precious moments with Putin in a side room discussing this and that) in an annual contest to see which one can be the biggest public nuisance. Although I have to say it's not quite as looney toons as it was back when we had some real unstable goofballs wandering its hallways: Hugo Chavez (dead), Mahmud Ahmadinejahd (term-limited), George W. Bush (takin' up drawin' stuff in the bathtub). I guess the best we can hope for is Benjamin Netanyahu to step up to the lectern again with his cartoon bomb out of Wile E. Coyote's Acme catalog. But perhaps the lack of nutty showboaters might mean something constructive may actually get done, like on climate change. Then, as custom now dictates, the General Assembly will honor the memory of Muammar Gadaffi by closing with a moment of silence lasting zero seconds.
Bullshit Mountain is his beat now.
CHEERS to comings and goings. Coming:
Trevor Noah, who takes the
Daily Show reins from Jon Stewart tonight. (Fearless prediction: he's going to fall flat on his face unless he doesn't.) Going: Speaker
John Boehner, who admitted Friday he can't stand the heat so he's getting out of the hell's kitchen known as the House of Representatives. The biggest difference between him and his replacement: less spray-on tan and fewer tears. Coming: First Lady
Michelle Obama, who will be Stephen Colbert's guest tonight on
The Late Show. Going:
Pope Francis, who flew back to Rome after leaving U.S. crowds only slightly-less bedazzled than the cable news anchors. Feel free to unbutton your pants and start belching again.
CHEERS to the re-branding thing. Let's check in and see how Reince Priebus is doing with his five-year-old master plan to reach out to minorities and prevent the Republican party from becoming a tiny hovel of shriveled angry white people rife with Ben-Gay fumes and swollen prostates:
Well. In fairness, it is a work in progress.
JEERS to unnecessary censorship. As long as there have been books, there have been banned books. That's as true as ever in 2015, which is why this is Banned Books Week:
"Blasssss...phemy!!!"
Upwards of 11,300 books have been challenged since 1982 for content that some consider to be offensive, according to the American Library Association. During Banned Books Week, celebrated this year from September 27 to October 3, book lovers unite to fight what they call censorship of literature by promoting books that have landed on the challenged list.
The organization cited analysis by author Malinda Lo showing that 52% of books challenged in the past decade could be classified as "diverse." "It's clear to me that books that fall outside the white, straight, abled mainstream are challenged more often than books that do not destabilize the status quo," Lo wrote on her website. "This isn't surprising, but the extent to which diverse books are represented
on these lists---as a majority---is quite disheartening."
This year's theme is adult fiction, and here are the
top five "most challenged" books in that category:
The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie,
LPersepolis by Marjane Satrapi,
The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison,
The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini and
The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. I once thought about banning Ann Coulter's books from our house. But I would hate to give up the best doorstops we've ever had.
CHEERS to the beginning of the end. On September 28, 1781, during the War of Independence, American troops backed by the French fleet Ronald Reagan riding a trained dolphin while brandishing a bazooka [Revision courtesy of TX Dept. of Ed. textbook approval committee], began their siege of Yorktown, Virginia. The British, trapped like rats, were forced to surrender, thus securing our freedom as an independent nation. Moral of the story: only fools go to war on a peninsula without jetpacks.
Trump showed off his favorite book
at the summit: Binder Full of Insults.
CHEERS to the Craziest Show on Earth! Racist hilarity and Christian-supremacy hijinks were on full display this weekend as the conservative outside–the-DC-beltway crowd got together for their annual Values Voters Summit inside the DC beltway. This year's pea-brained winner in the 2016 Get Crushed By Hillary straw poll, for the third year in a row, was
Senator Rafael Cruz (R-TX). But the real winner was clerk Kim Davis, who dragged a cross while wearing a crown of thorns all the way up from Kentucky to accept the
Martyr in a Muu Muu Award for refusing to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples from her Rowan County office. She received a bouquet of flowers and a roll of toilet paper with the U.S. Constitution printed on it. Due to the size of the crowd, an overflow room was provided for her husbands and out-of-wedlock children.
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Ten years ago in C&J: September 28, 2005
CHEERS to stuff that happens when Bush isn't involved. After 30 years of conflict, the Irish Republican Army has junked its arsenal of weaponry. Says senior Sinn Fein member Martin---what else---McGuinness, "I believe that Ireland stands on the cusp of a truly historic advance, and I hope that people across the island will respond positively in the time ahead." I'll raise a pint to that!
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And just one more…
BABY PANDA to baby panda. Baby panda baby panda (baby? panda?) baby panda, baby panda BABY PANDA! baby panda….
Baby panda: baby, panda. Ha ha ha!!!
P.S. Baby panda mama panda:
Have a baby panda Monday, baby pandas. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
“The Bible says Bill in Portland Maine is going to eat your arms, the Bible says he's going to eat your babies, then it says he's going to eat your candy corn. That’s what Bill does when he gets hungry.”
---Jim Bakker
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