No, seriously. I want the job THIS much!
I'm sorry, but enough is enough. I'm not going to bother to blockquote the now infamous Jeb! "stuff happens" bullshit, we've all pretty much got it memorized by now. And who knows, maybe he really was
not specifically speaking of the Oregon massacre when he uttered "stuff happens" he was in fact in the middle of a rambling, almost incoherent, completely irrelevant comparison to his time as Governor of Florida. But even so, what does shit that happened when he was the Governor of Florida possibly have to do with the tragedy in Oregon? How are we supposed to trust this man to chart the riptides and shoals of international diplomacy when he can't even stay on topic for a single subject?
To be perfectly honest, I'm getting pretty much fed up with the whole damn bunch of them. You got Don of Orange, sending out investigators to research new minorities to insult, and apparently trying to buy off Dr. Carson with a peremptory offer of a cabinet position. Carson is busy trying to find new scenarios in which to introduce Islamophobia into every situation. Carly Fiorina is out spouting off incessantly, and apparently her campaign slogan is the old Robin Williams line; "Wow! Reality, what a concept, huh?". Mike Huckabee hasn't made a public appearance that didn't involve Kim Davis since she got out of the clink. And the rest of them are staggering around in the background like cast extras from "The Walking Dead". The debates are apparently negotiated "fact free zones", the questions vapid and sometimes personally provocative to the candidate. The answers are whiny rambling tantrums completely devoid of any actual hard fact or logic. I have not seen this much lightweight fluff since the cat tore up my wife's down comforter!
But now back to the subject of today's bile, Jeb! Look, we get it, O.K.? You got hosed by your kid brother. 2000 was your year, and your birthright, and the little shit jumped the gun on you. This should be a no brainer in 2016, after all, you're a Bush goddammit! It's all about the legacy baby. It's just that in this case the "legacy" is the problem. Pappy was one of only 10 Presidents to not manage to brown nose his way back into a second term, and Li'l Bro made such a nightmare of the family name that 2008 and 2012 were shut off from you by public sentiment, the dread "Bush Fatigue".
But it's duty, so you run. Family honor and dignity must be upheld. But if you're gonna run, then you need to RUN man! Show a little passion, try to at least make a point. Every time you open your mouth at an event it looks like you're trying out for a position in the "Hall of Presidents" in Disneyland. If/when your major donors wake up from their Jeb! comas, your financing is going bye-bye, and quickly. If you can't even fool us simples, how much longer can you fool yourself. You don't want this, you wanted it in 2000, now you're just another hedge fund freebooter, making fresh inroads in the Caymans. I'm sure for a smart guy like you there must be some way to move some of those SuperPac funds offshore for later collection. Please, do it sooner than later, and end this tasteless farce and put us ALL out of your misery!
Thanks as always for reading!