Good Evening, Gentle People—
Oy, this is my fourth attempt at this update and I have missed my deadline, so unlike me, but dern I am stuck. I have become significantly better in two respects, but I find myself sad, restless and not at ease.
I wish everyone could get significantly better, I am sorry so many reading this are still afflicted with their ailments. I hope you are comfortable this evening, taking care, and your people close by.
KosAbility is a Sunday 7 pm East Coast/4 pm West Coast volunteer diarist community of, by & for people living with disabilities, who love someone with a disability, or who want to know more about the issues. Our use of "disability" includes temporary as well as permanent health/medical conditions, and small, gnawing problems as well as major, life-threatening ones. Our use of "love someone" extends to cherished members of other species.
Our discussions are open threads in the context of this community. Feel free to comment on the diary topic, ask questions of the diarist or generally to everyone, share something you've learned, tell bad jokes, post photos, or rage about your situation. Our only rule is to be kind; trolls will be spayed or neutered.
If you are interested in contributing a diary, contact one of the Admin Team: Gwennedd, postmodernista, Besame, wilderness voice.
|
I had cyclical vomiting syndrome for 13 years, however for reasons that are still not clear I have not been sick since May. I often don’t feel exactly myself but it always passes, I can tell I am better. I will always be a stomach patient, there are many things I can't eat or do, but I am all right with my stomach now - omfg it is a beauteous thing.
Cyclical vomiting syndrome is related to migraines; it’s neurological and like many migraine patients after around a decade one can get a fade. That’s the answer given to me.
During all this fun in 2008, I got triggered for post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which initially smashed home when I was 24 in 1986. It was un-diagnosed then, and it has been a terribly torturous process to try and get through this; it was as bad as all the vomiting.
Again, it seems that time was the definitive variable in relief, as with the first time at around 6 years I started to get better and was somewhat able to move forward. This time I have therapy and medication, and I doubt very much if I will be triggered again.
PTSD is a mental illness of endlessly looping memories, and the pain and horror associated with the memories seem fresh and never fade. It’s very hard to explain, I still have my memories and discomfort but it no longer grips me with anything like the power it used to.
I intended to go to Vegas on a joy spree if ever these two events ever happened, but of course I’m broke, as usual my agenda for 2015 travel is going to Safeway.
I tried working again but it was totally the wrong job, just impossible on many levels, so I’m looking for meaningful work, always a fun task in these times.
My father died in early Spring, a terrible experience. Very unfortunately the trauma I received in 1986 was directly the result of malice and massive dishonesty from my family. I found out the truth in 2012 through therapy and things have been blown to hell with them ever since.
I’m not speaking to one family member at all and have only seen one since May. I have no idea how this will ever be fixed; I am still venomously angry about 1986.
This is my new life with the truth and some health, right, but what the hell am I supposed to do? Why am I not flooded with gratitude? How come I’m still shackled with all the old me when I’m supposed to be something new? Sheesh.
Am I supposed to go climb mountains or meditate with the glory of it all every day with incense and chanting? Beats me.
Why am I still gripped by political news and currents all the time? It can be such a downer, is it wise to stay in it all the time? I dunno.
I’m writing again, fitfully, I tried scheduled work at 0500 and it withered, it felt too rushed and I couldn’t craft the work as I wanted to. I have started, though, and soon I will finish it, starting is always the worst.
[sigh] I don’t feel very complete in this new life. I am grateful to a friend of mine on Facebook who stated he felt broken. Get in line, homie, but thank you, I am too, I know what you mean. Neither of us are hopeless, I think, but what shall become will always be very diminished from what could have been.
I’m all right with that most days, I just wish I didn’t have anxiety about money constantly. There is one great thing I forever cannot do, it is a massive bummer it must be left undone, but it must be so, there’s just nothing I can do.
[smiles] I’ll get a job and be a stiff in the commute; if I keep trying likely something will happen. I’ll try to be more lighthearted and enjoy each day for the miracle it is. One day, perhaps, I will be a happy and whole person in a slow glide home of being truly myself, but alas, it is presently not to be. I guess I’m embarrassed, but it’s the truth. I’ll keep in touch, I’ll keep the truth as close to me as I can.
If I could truly say anything it would be of conflict and contradiction. I like being a fun sensual person, but how I was raised and trained are very much not in that realm of human behavior. What I feel and what you see is a form of human paradox: opposite truths that cannot be in the same space and reality, yet are. A rather impossible situation, yes, and not surprisingly defiance and fierce rebellion to authority in my soul has caused a few problems along the way. Heh.
Born and raised in the lily-white suburb Livermore, California, paradox has a political science degree and lives in Silicon Valley.
|