I am a man. And I am married… To a man.
I love him to pieces… But we can never really celebrate his birthday. I mean we do… but he is always strained… always on edge. Do you want to know why? Because on his birthday, his best friend committed suicide. That happened some time ago… in a southern state. Not to be too graphic but my husband found him, in his [his friend’s] dark apartment, hanging from the ceiling. He had hanged himself… without any warning, any message of distress or appeal for help.. a young gay man in a southern state, 8 years ago.
We love participating in Gay Pride in New York City. To commemorate the Stonewall riots, gay pride in New York is always the last Sunday of June. But, ever since we started dating, it has been a tradition with us to also go to DC Pride, which happens in the first week of June… Oh, all the fun we’ve had on those trips! But then, 3 years ago, while on the DC metro traveling to our hotel, we were assaulted by a couple of homophobes. It started with qualifications and name-calling and, unfortunately, deteriorated to actual physical assault. Nothing much came of it, for them. We ourselves were no wimps and many of the passengers (thankfully) intervened on our side. Those two people got arrested and are still serving sentences for assault with hate crime aggravations… We still go to DC and still have fun. But I HATE how our most precious memories have been marred and disfigured by what has happened. We both pretend it never happened. We talk about it sometimes, and laugh… But it weighs on us still. And always will.
Marriage equality became a right in New York State in July 2011. But then came the Supreme Court Decision. That same right can now be exercised by any LGBT person from Alabama to Alaska… And, oh the joy! The joy of the Supreme Court decision when it finally came down. The joy of Justice Kennedy’s eloquent, almost poetic words,
No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family. In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than once they were. As some of the petitioners in these cases demonstrate, marriage embodies a love that may endure even past death. It would misunderstand these men and women to say they disrespect the idea of marriage. Their plea is that they do respect it, respect it so deeply that they seek to find its fulfillment for themselves. Their hope is not to be condemned to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization’s oldest institutions. They ask for equal dignity in the eyes of the law. The Constitution grants them that right. The judgment of the Court of Appeals for the Sixth Circuit is reversed.
And the beauty and simplicity and FINALITY of those concluding words about the legality of gay marriage, about the dignity of us all, the shortness and sweetness of those final words,
“IT IS SO ORDERED.”
But of course, that is not the end of it. Did you think it was? Well, first of all, we all know of Kim Davis, and of Indiana’s attempted “defense” or religious freedom. But this is not what I am writing about.
What I AM writing about is that I most fervently hope that our country can build up institutions that prevent senseless deaths of young people. Bullying and cyber-shaming have been cited as the causes of many many gay teen suicides. Too many. WAY too many.
While with one hand our society seems to beckon gays, promise them equality and peace, with its other hand, it dispenses full portions of bigotry, hatred and poison.
It is a thing of beauty that our president has become an LGBT ally. That he has personally spoken up and recorded a message for LGBT teens in the “It Gets Better” campaign. Obama was unequivocal,
But what I want to say is this. You are not alone. You didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t do anything to deserve being bullied. And there is a whole world waiting for you, filled with possibilities. There are people out there who love you and care about you just the way you are. And so, if you ever feel like because of bullying, because of what people are saying, that you’re getting down on yourself, you’ve got to make sure to reach out to people you trust. Whether it’s your parents, teachers, folks that you know care about you just the way you are. You’ve got to reach out to them, don’t feel like you’re in this by yourself.
It is, further, remarkable and precious that both Democratic candidates have spoken about LGBT rights.
But still, it is not enough.
It is not enough for the child who faces bigotry at school in a conservative state, for a child whose family disowns him/her for his sexual orientation.
It is not enough for the young people who feel hopeless because of who they are, or who they love. Because hate-crime legislation is lacking… because anti-discrimination legislation is lacking.
The rights of transgender Americans need to be secured as much as the rights of gay Americans have been. And, every day, we need to do more. Because, they are here, with us. Because, much as anyone else may dislike this statement, they are among the bravest people I know. They wake up every day, and choose to be who they are… choose to face hostility, choose to be disliked, discriminated against, abused… They choose to be who they are. And that choice will always have my respect.
I write this diary here for two reasons. The first more selfish one is that my husband is travelling and has been away and I miss him. I thought of our life together and of all the hatred and bigotry that has come our way… But guess what? We are still here.. And I will see him soon and welcome him home. And our time together will only get better …
But the second reason is… Gay teens have largely been left to their own devices… Bullying and violence are only addressed sporadically when something bad happens. I write this in the hope that this can change. We need to advocate for a national framework that prevents anti-gay violence and bigotry… or at least reduces them to a minimum. We need to re-affirm our credo as a country and a community… that every life is precious… that every individual contribution is valuable and desirable… that every person “is endowed by his creator with certain inalienable rights. That among those rights are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."
I believe in a good, tolerant America… in an America that I can proudly call my home. I believe that in my America anti-gay bigotry has no place. And I will continue to believe that, to my dying day. I will, again, conclude with President Obama’s words:
As a nation we’re founded on the belief that all of us are equal and each of us deserves the freedom to pursue our own version of happiness; to make the most of our talents; to speak our minds; to not fit in; most of all, to be true to ourselves. That’s the freedom that enriches all of us. That’s what America is all about. And every day, it gets better.