Or, Happy Holidays!!!
I left a family member's house today. I went down to spend the afternoon with her, and it started to go downhill when she reminded me of a conversation I had with her now deceased husband. She said, "I'll never forget when he said to you, "We'll see how open minded you are when your daughter comes home to with a n***ger." I was appalled at the time; I knew he was racist, but my sister -in-law tried to hide her racism from me. Today, she let it all out.
Another family member got her upset on Christmas Eve when he pushed her buttons and asked her what she would do if her daughter married a black man; she said she would have something to say about that and it wouldn't happen. He laughed at her and said that if she had a DNA test, it would more than likely show that she had more than Irish blood, as her father was what is called the "Black Irish." He informed her that the Irish intermingled with the Spanish and surely there is more than just "good old Irish blood” there. I'm not sure of the actual specifics of the history, but when I saw her today, she was angry at his having said that to her and having none of it. When I asked her what her issue was about this, she said she felt blacks were inferior to her. I was gobsmacked.
I called her on this, saying I can't believe that she, an educated woman who works with minorities every day, could say or believe this. She said her father was racist and all his kids are, which isn't true, as my husband, her brother, is the most open-minded, nonjudgmental person I know. Her other brother, though, a soon to be high-ranking member in the the fire department of a major city, spent the night of his uncle's 70th birthday party last year ranting about an African American woman being considered for the commissioner position of the fire department. His objections had to do with her gender but mostly her race, which he made clear in his continual comments. He is now going to be in one of the top positions in the this department. Being a good old white racist pays in this particular fire department.
You can't choose your family members, but do you have to put up with their hateful comments? Do you have to shut up to keep the peace? Swallow your anger because they will think you're crazy to call them on their racism? My sister in law owned it today - my brother in law never will. And I picked up my pocketbook, thanked her for lunch, told her that she and her brother deserve each other, and left.
Before I left her, I told her that both she and her brother need to be more careful with what they say publicly, as they both have careers in the public arena. Not that his department would care about his statements. They'd probably give him another medal. Racism is entrenched and institutionalized in his organization. She is in education and may get some grief, but she said the principal of her very diverse school is as racist as she is, so no worries. This makes me irate. As does the license people like Trump seem to have given to people to be more open in their bigoted beliefs. I said that if someone ever taped them, they could be in big trouble, at least in the public arena.
What do you do if you have racist family? My brother is a bigot also, and I've had to ignore his name-calling of Obama at the dinner table because my recently widowed mother would get mad at me if I said anything to him. I do enjoy my sister-in-law, but I can't imagine we will ever have anything to do with each other as friends again. I just can't sit silently — that feels like I'm in agreement with them. And speaking up gets the entire family irate.
i'd love to hear your experiences.