---begin transcript---
Moderator: Today, we have a special treat for our viewers. See, we thought there were going to be more Democratic Presidential Primary debates, so we set aside a time slot for the eventual airing of our network’s hosting of another Clinton vs Sanders debate and forgot about it. Unfortunately, the debate didn’t come to pass, so in its place we’ve decided to go with a last-minute substitute we hope you’ll find far less informative but far more entertaining.
So, ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to welcome you to the first ever Democratic Presidential Primary Candidate Supporters’ Debate. Please welcome: from the far-out loony left, Sanders Supporter! And from the bought-off corrupt center, Clinton Supporter! Mind if I call you folks SS and CS?
CS: Works for me.
SS: Then I oppose it.
(five seconds pass)
SS: Flag abuse! Moderator, CS just flagged me for no reason, because CSes can’t stand to hear the truth!
CS: You didn’t say anything true or false. You just stated a position.
SS: That you flagged, because nobody is allowed to say anything bad about your sacred cow!
CS: Flag Abuse! Moderator, SS just flagged me while engaged in debate with me! That’s against debate rules!
(cross-shouting)
Moderator: If I could just call this to order, we have questions to--
SS: Flag abuse! CS did it again!!
CS: You called her a “cow”! How is that not sexist and dehumanizing? That’s flag-worthy!
SS: I said sacred cow! It’s not a gender-specific term!
CS: How is it not gender-specific when it’s aimed at a woman?
(cross-shouting)
Moderator: Okay, I’m just going to shout the question and hope someone answers it. CAN ONE OF YOU GIVE A SPECIFIC POLICY PROPOSAL THAT DREW YOU TO YOUR PREFERRED CANDIDATE?
SS: Wall Street!
CS: Pragmatism!
(cross-shouting)
Moderator: Neither of those are policies.
SS: Of course you’d say that; the mainstream media has been in the bag for Hillary from day one!
CS: Typical Bernie conspiracy theory bullshit! Wake up from dreamland, you delusional idiot!
(cross-shouting)
Moderator: Would either of you like to try again to answer that question?
CS: SS said bad thing about Hillary!
SS: You said bad things first!
CS: You just disagreed with me! If you disagree with things I’m saying, wait ’til Republicans say things you disagree with! Grow a thicker skin!
SS: Good job appealing to independents, CS! This is why your candidate is fighting for her life against a nobody from Vermont!
CS: HAHAHAHA I fake-laugh at you and cite my candidate’s insurmountable, 200-something delegate lead! The race is over! Learn to count!
SS: Oh yeah? Was it over in 2008, when--
CS: Irrelevant! Totally--
SS: The point is--
CS: You have no--
(cross-shouting)
Moderator: Okay, we’ll go back to shouting and hoping: WHAT DO YOU FEEL YOUR CANDIDATE BRINGS TO THE TABLE, EXPERIENCE-WISE?
SS: Bernie has the experience we need to not sell out like a soulless empty suit!
CS: Hillary has the experience not to be clueless and shouty and old!
SS: Goldman Sachs!
CS: New York Daily News!
SS: Elitist entitled one-percenter!
CS: Ideological purist!
(cross-shouting)
Moderator: DO EITHER OF YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR CANDIDATE?
SS: Feel the Bern!
CS: I’m with her!
(cross-shouting)
Moderator: That’s what I thought. Fortunately, I’ve prepared some Daily Kos comment section-level questions. Okay, first one - WHO’S A BIGGER STINKY POO-POO, CLINTON OR SANDERS?
SS: Hillary!
CS: Bernie!
SS: Clinton supporters!
CS: Sanders supporters!
SS: Bill Clinton!
CS: Planted Podium Bird!
(cross-shouting)
Moderator: I feel unclean.
SS: It’s obvious The Anointed One is a weak candidate with no agenda except the office she thinks she’s entitled to, and making her rich friends richer!
CS: Clearly, Old Man Pointyfingers doesn’t know the first thing about how to get things done!
SS: Revolution!
CS: We’re the real Revolution!
SS: Nuh-uh!
CS: Yuh-huh!
(cross-shouting)
Moderator: Another ques--
SS: Fascist oligarch sellout elitist--
CS: Delusional sexist thin-skinned moronic--
(cross-shouting)
Moderator: Sigh. Better dip into the Emergency Idiot Questions. DOES A GIRL HAVE A HOO-HOO AND A BOY HAVE A PEE-PEE?
SS: Right-wing trojan horse!
CS: Socialist!
(cross-shouting)
Moderator: Jim, is my mic on? They’re not even responding to my shouting anymore.
SS: Kissinger-lover!
CS: Nader 2.0!
(cross-shouting)
Moderator: We thank you for joining the first — and more importantly, last - ever Democratic Presidential Primary Candidate Supporters’ Debate. Good night, and good luck. I really mean that good luck part.
SS: Fuck you, Clintonista!
CS: Bernie Bro!
SS: Flag abuse!
CS: Flag abuse!