Many years ago, at the dawn of the computing age, I went through a phase of couching all my e-mails and online messaging in the style of Don Marquis’ timeless Archy and Mehitabel columns. I did this to amuse myself and found that a few friends were likewise entertained (or so I was led to believe). Quite a few more friends were profoundly irritated. And so I eventually returned to a more prosaic style of communication.
A couple of weeks ago, I realized that March 29 was the 100th anniversary of the first appearance of Archy and Mehitabel in a Don Marquis New York Evening Sun column in 1916. I celebrated the centenary by allowing a young cockroach to leap onto my keyboard and jump up and down on a few keys. Like the original Archy, this upstart cannot maneuver the shift key and a letter key at the same time. This is the cross all cockroaches with literary aspirations must bear. And speaking of bearing, please bear with his juvenile efforts to emulate his ancestor:
Archy and Mehitabel for Modern Readers: Happy Birthday, Archy! (#1, March 29, 2016)
i was chatting with a bird the other day
he was exhausting himself
trying to get at a seed
stuck under the modem on my desk
why do you birds go for the seeds
in the hard places to get to i asked him
we have no choice boss he answered
we birds are tired of being shown
where the free seeds are
but when we get to them
they are all husk and no kernel
well i said to him
at least they were free
so you didnt lose anything did you
au contraire boss the bird said back
i wore myself out flying
to the free seed handout emporium
this real seed under the modem
is now my last hope
the very moment those words
left his beak
mehitabel the cat
scooped him into her mouth
That was fun, at least for me. I wanted to have more such fun, so a few days later this appeared:
Archy and Mehitabel for Modern Readers: The Face of the Mob (#2, April 5, 2016)
lend me your ears pals
for there is a new cockroach on the block
who claims he has all the answers
and all the young bucks sit at his feet
and make admiring noises
every time he opens his yap
who died and made you king i ask him
you are no cock of the walk
you are just another cockroach
with snake oil to sell
and i m not buying any
look champ he says
i have sailed the seven seas
and ridden the horse with no name
and here i am to tell you about it
and while i am at it
i will teach you how to think
hear now the story of ockham s razor
stop right there i say
you are talking to a cockroach
who knows a heuristic technique
when he hears one
and all the young bucks listening
clutch their antennae and gasp
do you refer to william of ockham he sneers
that s his name don t wear it out i say back
well he says you have really stepped in it
because i was talking about marvin ockham
and all the young bucks start to snicker
and punch their antennae into the air
listen and learn or get lost he tells me
and the mood starts to get ugly
with cries of get a rope and off with his head
so i back off because even the snappy comeback
i thought of later won t be of much use
in the face of a cockroach mob
have you ever seen the face of a cockroach mob
well pals it is not any prettier
than the face of a human mob
don t ever let anyone tell you that
And then again, today:
Archy and Mehitabel for Modern Readers: The Outrage Ensues (#3, April 11, 2016)
hey boss listen up
today there is much
dissension in the
insect world over my
last two columns on
your facebook page
homage or mockery
that is the question
not that i am not grateful
for the crumbs you leave
under your keyboard
far from it boss
you have lived up to
your end of our deal
but i am the cockroach
who must face the outrage
what would archy think
they cry what would archy
father of us all say and by all
they mean all 47000000000
generations of cockroaches
spawned since archy senior
hallowed be his name first
leapt onto a typewriter key
so boss i will keep
the words flowing but
know that i pay a price
and speaking of price
consider eating more
cereal at your computer
you can chew muesli
and type at the same time
i speak from experience
do not let the facebook
likes go to your head boss
it is i standing right behind you
in your chariot
whispering in your ear
you are no don marquis
For maximum entertainment value, I refer you to the originals: