I spent my day today at the North Carolina General Assembly. Fortunately, I own my own business, so I kinda get to do what I want. Since I was all caught up with my clients’ work, I had all day to do as I wished.
And what I wished to do today...is what I do every day in my business. I try to find real-world solutions to very knotty problems. Solutions we can all live with. They are not perfect solutions...and nobody gets EVERYTHING they want. But hopefully, the process leads to a place that we can at least all live with.
I find that the place where growth occurs...is when we are forced to move outside of our own comfort zone. To do that, you have to meet other people WHERE THEY ARE AT. Not where you wish they were...but where they are at.
Because I had spent considerable time with my own NC Legislator, Chris Malone, already (and I think we had some productive talks) I wanted to meet with other legislators...legislators of whom I am not a constituent. And I went out of my way to talk, mostly, with legislators who had voted for HB-2. This, of course, placed me outside my comfort zone considerably. Fortunately, in my business, I am often placed in such situations, so I have some practice.
When I went to these legislators, I did not attack them, I did not chastise or belittle them for their votes. I did not even ask them to change their minds — at least not initially. You see, generally, if you want people to listen to your concerns...you first must listen to theirs. You have to meet them where they are at...not where you want them to be.
I am hopeful I was able to move a few of these legislators a bit out of their own comfort zone as well — again, this is where the opportunities for growth exist.
I started them off with a basic question...just to try to gauge where they were at. I asked them, “In your mind, what is the worst thing that happens if we repeal HB-2?” That usually seemed to work...it cut right to the quick, and got them talking about their concerns. It took considerable self-restraint on my part...to just let them talk for a bit...without interruption. But I needed this. I cannot address concerns they may have — if I do not know what they are.
Now, there are some in our Legislature, I believe...for whom this REALLY IS...all about exercising power and control over a hated minority group that they have decided are “inferior” to, and morally deficient — from themselves. They of course will never cop to that. But for people like that, I am not able to meet them where they are at, they are not willing to move outside their comfort zone and grow. For them, all I can do is to put a human face on it for them. Maybe give them something to at least think about.
What I did NOT say...is that people who would deem another person inferior to themselves, or morally deficient from themselves — are in fact, themselves morally deficient. The best and truest of Christians know that we ALL have sinned, and that we all fall short of the glory of God. They also know there is no hierarchy of sin — a sin is a sin is a sin (not that I believe being transgender is a sin) — but I am most certainly guilty of my full share of sin in other areas...but I digress…
Now there are other people who have irrational fears — fears that are not supported by empirical evidence. I can’t really meet them where they are at either. I do not believe these people are best served by having the State feed and pander to these fears. These people need to be educated. I can perhaps do a little bit in that regard...if they are willing to come just a little bit towards where I am at. But it is a slow process, like water on a rock. It is not going to result in the kind of immediate change we’d like to see. But I would rather win hearts and minds than win court cases, anyway.
And that brings us to the third grouping of those who supported HB-2...and I think that the majority of those I spoke to today...fit into that group — although one whom I will not name was most definitely the scorched-earth Type 1 I mentioned above. She asked me why the Charlotte Ordinance was advanced in the first place. I told this Senator that I could not speak to that, because I was not a part of the effort that advanced that Ordinance. However, I told her...I was involved in the passage of a similar Ordinance, in Louisville, Kentucky...in 1999. That law has now been on the books there for seventeen years, with no increase in public-safety issues.
I suggested to this Senator that perhaps — since transgender people had been using the restrooms according to their gender identity and presentation for decades before any of this...that maybe what they wanted was merely to be sure they did not face State sanction for what they already had been doing - with no issues. And this Senator — whom I will not name — she suggested to me that I move back to Louisville! And I knew there was no way we were going to find any common ground. But I kept my cool. I continued to put a human face on it for her. At the end of our meeting, I thanked her for agreeing to speak with me for a few minutes.
This Senator is not going to change her position. But, I was at least able to show her a transgender person who is not a monster, an ogre, an evil Grendel come to rape the women and eat the children and burn down the village. Water on a rock. Water on a rock.
Other legislators proved to be far more reasonable, and willing to discuss things with me and listen to me, and even hear my suggestions. And I gather this is because I was first willing to hear theirs. I am guessing many people on my side of the issue had not approached them in the way I chose to. I understand the anger coming from our side. I feel it too. But it is not often the most productive path. There is a place for it, and I am glad the Moral Monday folks were out to support us. I got the chance to personally shake hands with Dr. William Barber...which was a thrill for me, I can tell you!
The more reasonable legislators...tended to have real concerns over predators PRETENDING to be trans, and using the law to then prey on innocent women and children. I did not interrupt them, I did not argue with them. I let them speak their concerns. And then I addressed them as best I could. Did I flip any votes? Probably not. But I did start a dialogue with, and opened the door to...some future talks that may lead to a place everyone can live with.
I have not seen the text of the Charlotte Ordinance. It is possible that there could be some bad language in it. But the reaction of the State, I pointed out...was to go equally extreme in the opposite direction...the end result being that some innocent, law-abiding citizens who just happen to be transgender — became unintended victims. (Again, I am giving them the benefit of the doubt on this point...the fastest way to get someone to close off to what you have to say...is to ascribe the worst of motives on their actions, rather than the best of motives.)
For these reasonable-minded legislators, who had voted for HB-2...and in two cases...were legislators who were not present at the special session at all...I asked them to consider the following:
Since we are talking about a concern about actual sexual predators and pedophiles...can we agree we are talking about people who already don’t respect the law?
So...a reasonable person could then assume they are not likely to respect HB-2, either, right?
So, we have actually not given anyone any additional safety...but only the ILLUSION of safety...because if these people would go into public restrooms to commit dastardly deeds before HB-2, likely enough they will do the same after HB-2...right?
After all, one cannot, legislatively or otherwise, ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEE anyone’s safety, right?
One cannot place a magic rainbow barrier outside the restroom door that will keep bad people out, right?
Meanwhile, we have taken an already-vulnerable group of law-abiding citizens who just happen to be transgender...and we have mandated that they place themselves in extreme physical peril, right?
Can we agree that, in a civilized society...we do not impart, or attempt to impart additional safety onto one group of law-abiding citizens (no matter how large) if so doing DIRECTLY DIMINISHES the safety of another group of law-abiding citizens (no matter how small?)
Now you see what I am doing here is a classic lawyering trick known as leading the witness. And these people aren’t stupid...they surely knew what I was doing. But if they were being reasonable, they also had to agree that I was so far spot-on. (I was a paralegal/political science major in college with a 4.0 GPA before I was forced to drop out over this very issue in 1998 by the way...five days after Matt Shepard was killed in Wyoming.)
So now the question comes...how do we address the injustice you, yourself agree exists...that a small group of law-abiding citizens...are asked to place themselves in a position of extreme physical peril?
You see, I was able to already get a sense that there IS real political will to amend certain parts of HB-2...specifically, sections 2 and 3...which deal with minimum wage restrictions and the ability of people to sue employers for discrimination in state courts. So...it remains to see if we can get the will to amend Section 1...the part that deals with restrooms.
To that end, I asked them if there was any possibility that the will could exist...to amend the section...so as to remove the restrictions on actual bathrooms. I didn’t even want to talk about or address locker rooms and showers...just bathrooms, because, let’s face it, we all got to pee. And we all should have a right to a reasonable presumption of safety. And that includes law-abiding transgender citizens as well.
Now we are starting to get just a little hesitation here. You see, I have at least now made them acknowledge the injustice that exists. And challenged them to address it in a manner that makes it such that innocent law-abiding transgender people are not victimized in the effort to protect non-transgender citizens.
Now is the time where they don’t know how to do that. And it is because they know very little about transgender people. And that is where I come in!! Now, admittedly, to this point I have led them. And they probably even know that I led them. But I could not have led where they were not willing to follow. So now I have them at a point where they do not know how to address the situation I have carefully laid out for them.
And this is where education is now valuable: You see, legitimate transgender people — in order to be considered for hormone therapy and possibly sex-reassignment surgeries...normally are under a treatment/care plan developed by HBIGDA (The Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association) — which nowadays is WPATH (The World Professional Association for Transgender Health.) These people are under the care of medical professionals and professional therapists who must be licensed by the state. Most of these legislators were probably not aware of these details.
What if...I proposed...pre-operative transgender people who are under such care...which can be verified by the medical/psychological professionals who are treating them...were allowed to use restroom facilities according to their gender identity? They could carry on them letters from their certified, licensed medical professionals stating that they are under such care. And that such people would then be allowed to use the facilities that THEY are safe and comfortable in?
This, at least, addresses the possibility of predators pretending to be trans...after all, they will not have the kind of documentation I just described...nor will they have a licensed medical or psychological professional to vouch for them. Thus we DO make it illegal trespass...for such people to enter restroom facilities not consistent with their sex and gender identity...but allow those who are legitimately transgender and are pre-op — to follow the recommended treatment plan for gender dysphoria!
Will it work? I do not know. But at least I put a human face on it. I did not belittle them or chastise them for their votes. I laid out the very real concerns my trans brothers and sisters have...but not before hearing THEM out...and hearing their concerns. And I gave them a common-sense solution that probably most of us could at least live with.
I gave them a way to save face, and to stop the economic losses our state is suffering as a result of HB-2. I gave them a way to address the LEGITIMATE CONCERNS of them and their constituents...but in a way that does not create victims of innocent people who are legitimately transgender and just happen to be pre-op. We did not address the issue of showers and locker rooms...and I am not sure we can really reach a place that would satisfy everyone on those issues.
But if we can even address just the restrooms...since we all got to pee….maybe that is a solution we can all live with, at least for now. It’s not a perfect solution from our standpoint, no. But one maybe we could live with. I never use shower and locker facilities at my gym, even though I am fully post-op...and with a birth certificate to match. I’m just not personally comfortable with it.
And I know from experience...most pre-ops are not particularly comfortable with it either. We do not really want anyone else to see our bodies when we are pre-op. But we DO all gotta pee. So maybe we could possibly arrive at that place for now.
For those who were willing to play along with me just a bit further, I gave them an exercise. Imagine, I posed to them...if you woke up tomorrow morning — all your past experience intact. All your likes/dislikes/hopes/dreams intact. All your attitudes and proclivities intact. In short...you woke up tomorrow...exactly who you are right now...BUT YOUR WERE IN THE BODY OF YOUR OPPOSITE SEX? It wouldn’t feel very good for you, would it?
I let them consider that for a few seconds. Then I told them..."Welcome to our world. THAT is what we who are transgender live every day of our lives. Until we get the hormones and/or surgeries to bring our bodies more into alignment with our innermost selves...this is our reality. And it is hell. That is gender dysphoria, dear legislator (I did not call them that, of course...I use that here only because I spoke both male and female legislators doing this exercise) — and I would not wish it on my worst enemy.
Then I told them this: Do you know what I would wish for...if I could have but one wish — and have it granted? I would wish to be born anew. I would wish to be born either male or female, I care not which...as long as I was mentally, emotionally and spiritually congruent with whatever configuration I happened to come out with. That is what I would wish for. But that was not my lot in this life. I play the hand I was dealt in the best way I can...and try to arrive at a place where I may have inner peace. A place where I can feel whole and complete.
Thus was I able to REALLY put a human face on transgender people...for those who were willing to play along with me.
In closing, I want to say that I appreciate all the North Carolina legislators who gave me some of their time today...and who treated me with civility, respect, kindness and professionalism. Most of them did. We did not maybe always agree...some I was able to get closer than others...but for all of them...I at least approached them in a way they probably have NOT been approached before by people on our side of this issue. And just maybe a few doors have been opened, a few dialogues begun...and a way for all of us to meet each other somewhere in the middle can come from this.
Realistically, this is, I believe, right now the best we can legitimately hope for in North Carolina.
I got into this fight, after ten years "retired” from activism...because the fight was brought to me. I did not seek it out. Those who came before me did what they could...to make my path a little smoother than it otherwise might have been. I can do no less for those who follow me.
I am allowed and required to use restroom facilities that match my gender identity. Many of my trans brothers and sisters right now are not. I could have simply sat this thing out, and just gone about my own life in peace. I could have done that. But the cost would be my soul.
If I can help bring about a solution so that no transgender person ever again has to make the horrible choice I had to make in 1998...to abandon higher education in deference to personal safety...then I will have made a difference for those who have followed me.
Tuesday, Apr 26, 2016 · 1:05:23 PM +00:00
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Kalisiin
I felt this was important enough to put in an Update form, to make it stand out from the rest of the Diary:
Note carefully I have never once suggested that trans people should be forced to whip out papers on demand from any member of the general public. Only that they have or can readily access, such papers. And that possession of such would give them the legal right to be where they are safer.
I am, myself, post-op. When I was pre-op...I had such papers as I described. I never once had to use them. But I had them. I come at this from a place of personal experience that many others here do not.
If anyone, anywhere, asks me for MY birth certificate, I am going to ask them for their warrant. If a law-enforcement officer makes a LEGAL REQUEST for such papers, we should be able to produce them. This is no different than “license and registration, please”
ALSO...it should be noted that HB-2 does not apply in the general public forum. Only in government buildings and schools. So if you are in a restaurant somewhere...that restaurant gets to make the rules. But they have no force of law backing them up. You face no legal sanction here.
MY most-immediate goal is to address the most egregious injustice first...and get these people out of immediate harm's way. It DOES NOT FOLLOW that our ultimate goal is not the same...just because our approach is different.
It is just that I believe that my approach stands a chance. The demands some are making here, though...are only going to make those who oppose us dig their heels in deeper and get us nowhere. AND WE HAVE TO REMEMBER OUR FIRST, PRIMARY, AND MOST IMPORTANT GOAL HERE...SHOULD BE TO GET THESE PEOPLE OUT OF IMMEDIATE HARM'S WAY.
Tuesday, Apr 26, 2016 · 1:42:52 PM +00:00
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Kalisiin
Update 2: Following is the text of an email I just sent to those legislators who met with me yesterday. Personal information, of course, has been redacted.
Dear Legislator (personalization is redacted here),
I wanted to take a moment to thank you for meeting with me yesterday. I am hopeful that our meeting yesterday can be the beginning of a dialogue that leads to a way that the safety concerns of all law-abiding North Carolina citizens - transgender and non-transgender alike.
As you know, I am transgender. As such, my fellow trans brothers and sisters are family to me. Family in a way even my own flesh and blood cannot be. We are family of shared experience and shared suffering. And my most-immediate goal is to address the egregious injustice that HB-2 brings to my transgender brothers and sisters - and find a way to address the legitimate safety concerns of non-transgender citizens...that does not place my brothers and sisters in immediate harms way...just for being transgender.
I have, myself been accosted in a restroom before. It was nothing serious in my case, just had a woman grab my arm and attempt to pull me out of line. But it could just as easily been more serious.
I have lost too many people I love already. More people I love have been murdered, attacked, and hurt, than I can count. If I had twenty arms, I might just have enough fingers to count them all. My experience, therefore, is not the experience that most people have.
My immediate concern is that not one more drop of transgender blood be spilled...I cannot stress this enough. But as you know from our discussion..there are ways to address the issue which also take into account the legitimate safety issues of non-transgender citizens.
I remain available to your office at any time you would like to speak with me. Additionally, I am available to any of your colleagues in either Chamber of our Legislature who wishes to speak with me about these issues, and who would like to address the immediate and egregious injustice HB-2 presents to law-abiding transgender North Carolinians.
Again, I thank you for taking the time to speak with me yesterday...and I thank you for the kindness, courtesy, consideration and professionalism that was extended to me yesterday. As a transgender person, I have not always come to expect being treated in such a considerate manner.
Sincerely,
(redacted)
Tuesday, Apr 26, 2016 · 3:45:24 PM +00:00
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Kalisiin
Just wanted to share with everyone...a response I got from a legislative assistant I spoke with yesterday. THIS is what I am hoping to achieve here (again, personal information has been redacted)
Dear Angela,
I appreciate your kind message. I am thankful for the
conversation we had yesterday and have reflected much on it since. I cannot begin to imagine the difficulties, pain, and fear life has
surely handed you. You carried yourself into our office with grace,
and respectfully shared your concerns.
Although [the Senator] was working against a deadline, he could hear
portions of our conversation and remarked on the dignity with which
you offered your thoughts and experiences. It is so much easier to
HEAR a message when it is delivered in such a way. In the six years I have worked in the Legislature, a conversation such as ours has been the rare exception during times involving such divisive issues.
As I shared yesterday, I believe the transgendered have been
"hijacked" to forward a political agenda. How Charlotte's ordinance -- giving legal cover for an individual up to no good to enter a
women's shower for purposes of pleasuring himself -- became an issue
about transgendered eludes me.
Again, I am thankful for the time we had to talk. Perhaps we can find an opportunity to visit again. I have much to learn.
Kind regards,
Now...see, this is where they were at. They felt the Charlotte Ordinance WAS about giving “carte blanche” to any man who might have bad intents...to enter any women’s restroom or shower/locker facility.
I was able to give them a different take, and show them that there are innocent, law-abiding citizens who just happen to be transgender...who are negatively impacted by this legislation.
This is opening doors...opening hearts and minds...and paving the way for further dialogue.
We don’t have to change every vote, or every heart or mind. Just enough to prevent those who will not change...those who REALLY DO have the kind of agenda we would so like to ascribe to all of them...from being able to do what was done to us in North Carolina. And perhaps I now have an ally who will work with me, and with us (and maybe some of their colleagues) to find a way forward we can all live with.
No, it won’t be a perfect solution. Not everyone is going to be happy, and neither side is going to end up getting everything they might wish. But perhaps we can find a place that, for now, most of us can live with...and which addresses the most immediate and pressing issue...the immediate physical safety of my transgender brothers and sisters.