From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
I’m Feeling Haikuish. Avert your eyes...
It's Trump. Trump's their guy.
Merry Christmas, Democrats
Goldwater, Part Dieux
"Cruz is Lucifer!"
Ha Ha everyone's laughing
Except Lucifer
Gun in Mommy's purse
Or as Mommy's tot calls it
Toy in Mommy's BLAM!
Donald Trump vets veeps
One sacred test must be passed
Land a sucker punch
North Carolina
Where bathroom predators lurk
In tiny closed minds
Yay it feels like spring
My leopard-print thong still fits!
(Down go neighbor's blinds)
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, May 4, 2016
Note: Happy Star Wars Day. May the fourth be with you:
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the British vote on whether or not to stay in the European Union: 50
Days 'til the 13th annual UFO Festival in McMinnville, Oregon: 8
President Obama's favorability in Gallup's 3-day rolling average poll: 52%
Percent of Ohioans who want Senate hearings on Supreme Court nominee Merrick Garland, according to PPP: 65%
Support in the same Ohio poll for universal gun background checks: 83%
Age of New York City's Serbian Orthodox Cathedral of St. Sava that was destroyed by fire over the weekend: 161
Number of states in which “cartoon” is the most popular search term for Internet pornography, according to Harper's Index: 4
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Mid-week Rapture Index:
180 (including 5 floods and 1 evil Senate majority leader willing to throw members of his own council of elders into the fiery pit of doom). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day:
Two weeks after her cancer surgery, C&J's lab-mix Haley got her stitches out and a thumbs-up from her surgeon yesterday. Here's a peek at how our Frankenwoozle's coming along:
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CHEERS to a pleasant little pit stop. Congratulations to the winners of last night's primary action in Indiana. Voters decided that Bernie Sanders' or Donald Trump's hiney should be the one parked behind the Resolute Desk 8½ months from now. Both chugged a victory bottle of milk and received a free tire-change on their campaign planes before heading off to their respective fortresses of solitude to recharge their superpowers (especially Trump, who clinched the nomination with Ted Cruz’s hasty exit from the race). Up next for Team D: 12-delegate Guam on Saturday. Bartender---make mine a mango daiquiri and keep ‘em comin’.
P.S. Behold the final awkward moment of Ted Cruz’s political campaign:
Smooth to the bitter end.
P.P.S. Today’s New York Daily News cover:
Where do we send the flowers?
CHEERS to re-directing the wandering media spotlight. The water crisis in Flint, Michigan is still a crisis, thanks to Republicans at both the state and federal level doing what they do best: over-promising and under-delivering. So President Obama is strapping on Jetpack One today and dropping in on the beleaguered community to see what he can do to speed things up. After initially running away like a coward, Michigan Governor Rick Snyder now says he'll meet with Obama, and hopes the president will drink some Flint water which of coursed won’t happen because Snyder still hasn’t fixed the freaking problem:
"It's been hell," said Lulu Brezzell, who's been drinking bottled water and taking two minute showers along with her three children.
Her oldest daughter, 8-year-old Amariyanna Copeny, sparked the president's visit with a letter, where she asked to meet with him. "It smells like bleach and old fish," the little girl said of the water she still cannot drink. […] Residents are trying to hold on to hope, but say they are unsure when they will see substantial progress. In the meantime, for Amariyanna Copeny, or "Little Miss Flint," she may get a few moments with the Obama.
He told student reporters Thursday he's hoping to get a chance to meet the young lady who wrote to him. "She wants to meet him and give him a hug and tell him thank you," Copeny's mother said.
Personally, I'd like to tell Governor Snyder something. It also ends in "you." But the first word's not as nice.
JEERS to itchy trigger fingers. Forty six years ago today, National Guard troops fired on Vietnam War protesters at Ohio's Kent State University, killing four students and injuring 12 in 13 seconds. The question that may never be answered: what possessed the Guard to use live ammo when they could've pacified the crowd with a plate of hash brownies? A permanent blemish on my home state's record.
P.S. Imagine if all the students had been walking around with concealed (or even open-carry) weapons, a concept that makes Republicans salivate every time they think about it. That would've worked out swell that day, huh. Real swell.
CHEERS to our homes away from home. Scientists working in science buildings say that we might be just a 40-light-year car ride away from paradise. Three paradises, to be precise:
The sizes and temperatures of these worlds are comparable to those of Earth and Venus, and are the best targets found so far for the search for life outside the solar system. The results are published today in the journal Nature.
Because the system is just 40 light years from Earth, co-author Julien de Wit, a postdoc in the Department of Earth, Atmospheric, and Planetary Sciences, says scientists will soon be able to study the planets’ atmospheric compositions, as well as assess their habitability and whether life actually exists within this planetary system.
“These planets are so close, and their star so small, we can study their atmosphere and composition, and further down the road, which is within our generation, assess if they are actually inhabited,” de Wit says. “All of these things are achievable, and within reach now. This is a jackpot for the field.”
One factor that gives them the most hope for the planets’ habitability: their phone directory doesn’t have any Inhofes in it.
CHEERS to famous firsts. I hope this hurt his feefees:
The National Wrestling Hall of Fame has thrown disgraced former House Speaker Dennis Hastert out of its ring of honor, the organization said Monday---the first time it has ever taken such an action.
Hastert, a Republican who represented Illinois in the U.S. House of Representatives and rose to become speaker, was sentenced last week to 15 months in prison after he pleaded guilty to making illegal cash withdrawals.
The money was used to pay one of four men who have accused Hastert of having sexually abused them when he was their high school wrestling coach decades ago, according to federal prosecutors.
Meanwhile, later today the La-Z-Boy museum will quietly take Hastert's shower room barcalounger out back and set it on fire.
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 4, 2006
JEERS to Warden Jesus. The Washington Post says up to six federal prisons---in a move legal scholars say is unconstitutional---are going to start preparing inmates for their release by making them sit through evangelical Christian counseling sessions. As soon as they learn how to walk across the moat, they're free to go.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to jolly good shows. These days awards season never ends. Yesterday it was Broadway's turn, announcing its nominations for the Tony Awards. You can see the whole list here but, really, it's all about Hamilton with its record-busting 16 nods in every category including Best Use Of Light Bulbs In A Marquee. Andrew Lloyd Webber is back in contention with School of Rock and Steve Martin & Edie Brickell got nods as co-creators of Bright Star. Among the actors who got the call: Jeff Daniels (Blackbird), Jessica Lange (Long Day's Journey Into Night), Frank Langella (The Father), Laurie Metcalf playing the Kathy Bates role in Misery, Lupita Nyong'o (Eclipsed), Michael Shannon (Long Day's Journey Into Night), and Jane Krakowski for He Loves Me. The Tonys of course, honor people for the dedication they put into carefully creating alternate realities on a stage, with performers reading carefully-crafted and memorized lines that fool the audience into believing what they're seeing and hearing is true when it's all just an illusion created as an opportunity to take their money. It's like a conservative political convention except with jazz hands.
Happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"Apparently Bill in Portland Maine is having some problems. In my household, when a child behaves that way they get a spanking."
---Ted Cruz
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