In a stunning reversal of fortune, the Twitter hashtag campaign #DropOutHillary has fatally wounded the nomination hopes of so-called “front-runner” Hillary Clinton, leaving the Political Establishment reeling. Secretary Clinton received news of her devastating loss today after finishing a fundraiser with the Corporation and Catering division of the Illuminati in an undisclosed secure bunker beneath Penn Station this morning.
After adjusting to the harsh glare of daylight and wiping bloodstains from her fingers — most likely evidence of the blood sacrifice conducted at the close of every fundraiser co-hosted by the Hillary Victory Fund — Secretary Clinton gave a statement before being ushered into a hermetically sealed campaign hearse which was specifically engineered to preserve the human tissue used to surround her cyborg frame.
I’m at a loss for words. I thought I had this in the bag. I’ve built my career withstanding the best that the Republicans and my political enemies could throw at me and overcome many personal losses in my life: the death of friends, accusations of corruption, Death Eater conversion therapy….
But nothing could have prepared me for a Twitter hashtag campaign telling me to drop out of the race. I’m going to need some time to think and consult the White Walkers Leadership Council.
This shocking turn of events is just the latest in a long string of victories for Twitter hashtag activists. Johnny Peeples, Executive Director for Hashtag Revolution and originator of the #DropOutHillary campaign, is no stranger to these battles.
The front line for the Revolution is on social media, especially Twitter. The Political Establishment has their CNNs and the Fox Newses. But we’ve got tweets and tumblr and snapchat. You don’t need a degree to have an opinion or start a revolution. Your opinion on the spread option offense or high frequency trading or even whether or not Affleck should be Batman is just as good as anyone else’s. Better even. You don’t need the millionaires and billionaires. Just say what you want. That’s the power of the Revolution. That’s what the Establishment doesn’t want you to know. They’re afraid of what we can do.
Peeples gained notoriety last year during the controversy surrounding the Chipotle E. Coli outbreak. After the news broke and he failed to get the reassurances he needed from google, Peeples organized a Twitter hashtag campaign demanding to know whether the E. Coli found in Chipotle food was farm raised or GMO. After Peeples’ #NoGMOColi became a trending topic for three days, Chipotle announced an increased level of transparency to ensure that its E. Coli outbreaks would reflect only the most humane practices. Peeples takes personal credit for those reforms.
After this latest victory, it is only a matter of time before Secretary Clinton concedes the nomination to Senator Bernie Sanders. Senator Sanders held a rally today with 600,000 supporters at Mount Rushmore. After another rousing speech, a subset of his supporters began the laborious process of scaling the wall and carving the Democratic hopeful’s bust alongside the other deities of American presidential history.
The Sanders Campaign issued this statement:
We urge Secretary Clinton to recognize the will of Twitter and drop out of the race for the Democratic Party’s nomination for the presidency. We are increasingly living in a political future where the millionaires and billionaires need to listen to the democratic processes of our Twitter hashtag campaigns. We are proud of the campaign we have run. Please donate $27.
We would also like to thank Home Box Office for respecting Senator Sanders demands to #FreeJonSnow and we continue to call on McDonald's to give us #MoreChancesToWinMonopoly.
In a campaign season that has seen more than its share of twists and turns, this latest one may be the most consequential yet. Secretary Clinton’s campaign schedule tomorrow is unknown at this point. Senator Sanders will be delivering a policy speech to the English Premiere League’s Board of Directors from the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, California. No one from the EPL will be present.