Dear member of the corrupt, status quo loving establishment Superdelegates,
Malcolm Gladwell was always a little too poppy for me — years ago I came to the opinion that most of the things embraced by the media are wrong, until I see hard science that proves otherwise. I was around back when everyone in the media told me to eat those disgusting rice cakes, and all the candy I wanted as long as it was low fat, because cholesterol would kill me, and a low fat diet was the key to health and happiness. Scientists have since concluded that was nonsense, but my dentist figured it out before they did. Plus, I’ve spent 10,000 hours doing a few things and still suck at them (ask any woman I’ve ever been with), while I’ve spent far less than 10,000 hours doing some things, and am an expert. At least, I think so.
Anyway, I’m sure you have better things to do than hear about my dental and bedroom woes. The reason I’m writing you is that I believe we share a common passion for democracy. You know, the rule of law, one person one vote, majority rules, those sorts of things. And I want to ask you to honor those values by overruling the will of the members of the party who entrusted you with your responsibilities, because there’s one candidate who is so excellent, so amazing, so once-in-a-lifetime awesome, that will of the voters be damned!
His name is Bernie Sanders. Now I’m sure you’ve heard of him already. To those of you who are, or were, in congress he’s that annoying guy who sits in one of the safest seats in all the capitol building and attacks you for being corrupt when you get money to campaign for your, or one of your vulnerable colleagues’, seats. He’s that guy who refuses to vote for the ugly compromise bills that are the price of a democracy, unless his electoral prospects would be damaged by voting against them. And even when he votes for the bills, he attacks you for participating in drafting them and voting for them. He’s that guy who’s been attacking the Democratic Party for years, even when it gives him money to campaign, although his delicate sensibilities are such that he won’t actually join the party unless he needs to use its corrupt apparatus for his own ends. He’s that guy whose congressional report card would say, “Does not play well with others,” if there were such a thing as a congressional report card. Maybe we should come up with something like that, entirely anonymously, of course. I’ll write another letter about it later. And I won’t talk about my teeth. Promise.
Now, here’s why I want you to vote for Bernie: because he would be the best candidate to beat Donald Trump. I know sometimes I say that nominating someone who can beat the other party’s candidate shouldn’t be the goal of a primary, that the goal of a primary should be to get someone out there you feel good about voting for, instead of having to hold your nose to vote for. But consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. Or elves’ minds, or faeries’ minds, or maybe ogres’ — it’s one of those fantastical creatures’ minds, although an ogre mind seems like it would be pretty big. Anyhow, you get my point. Now, you might look at Bernie, and know that he stands almost as far to the left, compared to the average voter, as McGovern did, and we know what happened to George. Bernie stands even further to the left of where Mondale did, and that didn’t work out well, either. Poor Walter couldn’t even win a senate seat awhile ago, and he is, deservedly, a legend in Minnesota politics. It’s almost as if voters’ ideological preferences have shifted to the right from even when Mondale ran for the presidency. But nevermind that — those guys weren’t Bernie. We can look at the other side of the spectrum, and we know the polar opposite of Bernie who was actually nominated was Goldwater. OK, bad example. The person in the senate now who is the polar opposite of Bernie is James Inhofe. You know Jim — he’s the guy who plays with snowballs. Running Bernie for the Democrats would be just like if the Republicans sent out Senator Snowball for the presidency. What could go wrong with that? Just keep Inhofe away from cold weather, and he’d be an awesome candidate! Ted Cruz almost won the nomination for the Republicans, and he is actually substantially to the left of Inhofe, and people said Cruz was too conservative, but what do they know? Nothing. Besides, Cruz doesn’t even play with snowballs (although he might play with snakes), and he’s from Canada, so he can handle cold weather!
The important thing is the polls show Bernie beating Trump by even more than Hillary does, and polls this far out are reliable, just like they were for President Kerry (who came back from windsurfing after his successful presidency to be Secretary of State — what a guy!), for Howard Dean (Yeeeah!), just like they were for President Dukakis (love that man, especially the way he drives a tank!). Sure, Bernie has a few skeletons in his closet that haven’t been aired, like the essay about rape, and voting against the Amber Alert laws, and against mandating that rapists be required to reveal their HIV status to their victims (rape might be an issue that Republicans could use to suggest Bernie has some … issues, if he weren’t so awesome!), and the fact that his healthcare and education proposals really would require the most massive tax increase in history, one that would hit the middle class, while taking away the healthcare plans that people currently have. But those are just skeletons, and Bernie has already demonstrated he can deftly handle rough campaign tactics by how he reacted when he thought Hillary had questioned his readiness for the presidency. And the professional way Jeff Weaver, Bernie’s ace campaign manager when he isn’t running a comic book store, schmoozes TV viewers (have you seen the new Captain America movie? I’ll bet Jeff Weaver has -- more than once! What a patriot!). And we know the Republicans are too nice to play dirty, anyway, so that stuff won’t matter. It’s not like they would spend billions attacking Bernie as a commie who’s soft on rape and child molesters, who’d take away everyone’s healthcare plans, raise their taxes, and force nationalized medicine on them. And besides, even if they did, Bernie’s legion of trolls on Twitter and Reddit would ridicule them mercilessly!
There’s one last thing I want you to look at: Bernie’s fundraising. Now, you might know that it’s going to take at least $2.5 billion to run all the campaigns this year, and that’s a conservative estimate, even though I’m a liberal, hah hah! And you know Bernie attacks people who raise vast sums of money for Democrats, like that corporate stooge George Clooney, for being corrupt. Looking at that, you might worry about what would happen, not just during the presidential campaign as Bernie defended himself against charges of being a crazy, rape-indifferent commie who wants to raise taxes and take away healthcare plans, but to the downballot races, especially since they’d have to defend themselves, too, from guilt by association (sometimes — it’s rare, I know — politics works like that). But there’s a method to Bernie’s seeming madness! His supporters have demonstrated the ability to raise an impressive sum of money, $200 million, with small donations. To get that number to $2.5 billion or more, simply multiply the donations Bernie has received so far by 13, and it’s there! And if it takes $3 billion, multiply it by 15. $3.5 billion? No problem, multiply it by 18. Because small donors represent an endless reservoir of funding that the corporate stooge Democrats have been too stupid and corrupt to avail themselves of. Unlike Bernie. Some of you, looking at the way Bernie has behaved, think he doesn’t care about downballot races. I hope by showing you his brilliant plan for funding, that I’ve put that worry to rest. If every person who votes for Democrats in 2016 goes a few weeks eating nothing but ramen noodles, and donates the money they save to the Democratic Party, it will fund this election. And people will be delighted to do it, especially once they taste those yummy noodles! And, the noodles are low fat, if you believe in that stuff (My dentist doesn’t, but who cares about him? Besides, I suspect he’s a Republican).
OK, I know this is a long letter, and you have plenty of other things to do, like plan how to screw over America with your corporate masters. I wanted to make sure, though, that you understood how vital it is to ignore the will of Democratic voters and vote for this awesome, amazing, once-in-a-lifetime- candidate. He has a well-thought out plan to take America back from the oligarchs and return it to the people. He’s thought of everything — especially fundraising and downballot races, and you can look at the crack campaign team he’s put together, his results so far, and feel confident that this man is a mastermind, keenly attuned to what it takes to win campaigns. His is the path to victory!
I even have a slogan that’s going to be on every bumper sticker in America: “In your heart, you know it's smart.” Cool slogans like that work wonders!
Your pal in corruption,
Martin