From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
House Committee Demands Obama Commit
An Impeachable Offense
(WASHINGTON D.C.)---As time rapidly runs out on the two-term presidency of Barack Obama, the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform will hold hearings today to grill administration officials about the lack of exploitable scandals originating in the White House, sources say.
"We've exhausted all of our leads and didn't turn up a thing," said a Republican committee member who asked to remain anonymous. "Solyndra, Fast and Furious, bowing to world leaders, the IRS, the tan suit---even our ace in the hole, Benghazi, turned out to be a nothingburger and at this point we're down to investigating rounding errors in office supply expenditures."
The committee says it will order the White House to dig as deep as possible and turn over all relevant documents that will lead them to at least one impeachment-worthy scandal. "If they fail to comply, then we'll have no choice but to investigate the lack of investigation-worthy offenses during the president's second term," said the source. "And also his first term, we're not real choosy at this point."
Democrats accused Republicans of grasping at straws and playing election-year politics. "Perhaps our colleagues on the other side of the aisle should try legislating instead of going on another wild goose chase," said the Congressional Progressive Caucus in a statement. Republicans say they might consider that, but one congressman who requested anonymity said "leadership is hard and boring and it makes our brains hurt."
According to House majority leader Kevin McCarthy, President Obama has until the end of the day to commit an impeachable offense "or we're going to be really mad." The White House has not yet responded to the request beyond a long string of LOLs it sent out in an early-morning tweet.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, June 22, 2016
Note: Today's surefire legislation tip: to get Republicans to go along with a renewal of the assault weapons ban, just concoct a report showing that assault weapons are good for the environment. The More You Know…
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the first Clinton-Trump debate (at Wright State University): 96
Days 'til the Iowa City Jazz Festival: 9
Current percent of Brits who are for and against leaving the European Union, according to an Opinium poll: 44%, 44%
Estimated market size of small-scale battery storage over the next 25 years, according to Bloomberg New Energy Finance: $250 billion
Expected increase in total "behind-the-meter" energy storage during that time: 2,000%
Estimated diameter of the little asteroid that's been circling the earth for at least 100 years but was just discovered: 120-300 feet
Number of viewers who tuned in to watch NBA championship game 7: 30.8 million
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Mid-week Rapture Index:
185 (including 4 droughts and 5 exciting new signs of the End Times). Soul Protection Factor 30 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Click for spectacular attack dog fail…
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CHEERS to more broadsides from the U.S.S. Hillary. The future 45th president of the United States and its territories delivered another blistering assault on Donald Trump yesterday using ammo that the Republican candidate insists should be out of bounds: his own words. Economics this time. Instead of bluster and bravado, Clinton calmly plucked him like a chicken and slow-roasted him in his own juices. (Yes, I’m writing this yesterday at dinner time.) This is particularly quote-worthy:
While Hillary was filleting him like a brook trout, Trump was using his bullshitting skills to bamboozle a room full of top conservative evangelical nutjobs in Sin City, after which he chose Michele Bachmann to be his hand-picked representative for speaking to God through his end of the giant cosmic conduit to Heaven. Moments later, God took a blow torch to his end of the conduit and welded it shut.
CHEERS to being born! A hearty "Happy Birthday and many blessings on your camels" to Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren, who turns [hffrrhffrrhrrr] today. Republicans fought tooth and nail to keep her from getting elected to the seat once occupied by the mighty Ted Kennedy, and it's easy to see why: her brains, common sense and willingness to expose the banksters as the scum-sucking vampire squids they are have made her the ideological North Star for the Democratic party and a huge swath of independents. And she sure as shit ain't afraid to challenge Donald Trump on his home turf:
She's currently our party's #1 choice---by a huge margin---to be Hillary Clinton's running mate. The top choice for Republicans is Newt Gingrich. Thus explaining why our official C&J birthday gift to Senator Warren is a new pair of shoes with spikes in the toes. For debate night.
CHEERS to supporting the troops. 72 years ago today, President Roosevelt---he of the super-awesome Democratic Party---signed the G.I. Bill of Rights:
Although World War II was far from over, FDR was determined to plan ahead for a smooth transition to peace, both abroad and at home. The President proposed to Congress a way to level the economic impact of the war’s end and to integrate returning veterans back into American society.
It rewarded servicemen for their sacrifices with low-cost loans, educational subsidies and other benefits. Kind of like what George W. Bush wanted to do for servicemembers during his wartime presidency...minus the low-cost loans, educational subsidies and other benefits. (But double the deployments!)
JEERS to the nanny governor. He didn’t succeed in bullying the legislature or the federal government into hacking away at Maine's food stamp program, so tea party governor and human foot in mouth Paul LePage is threatening to go---[yawn]---rogue:
Gov. Paul LePage says despite his proposal being rejected by the Legislature and federal government, Maine will move forward with restricting the purchase of what he calls junk foods with food stamps in Maine---or give up administration of the program altogether.
"I will be pursuing options to implement reform unilaterally or cease Maine’s administration of the food stamp program altogether. You maintain such a broken program that I do not want my name attached to it.”
Democratic Rep. Drew Gattine, D-Westbrook, who co-chairs the Legislature’s Health and Human Services Committee, said he doesn’t think it’s possible for a state to turn over administration of the SNAP program. “This just seems to me to be just the governor trying to pick a fight with the feds,” said Gattine. […]
As of June 1 of this year, more than 195,000 individuals in Maine were receiving SNAP benefits. In 2015, more than $292 million was distributed in Maine through the program.
Added LePage (whose administration doesn’t have much room to complain about waste since they make lots of mistakes when fulfilling food stamp requests): “Only when Washington politicians stop kowtowing to powerful retail grocer and junk food manufacturing interests will American taxpayers have a respectable food safety net." And then he excused himself to go kowtow to the powerful gun, fossil fuel and anti-abortion interests. (I hear the Twinkies and Red Bull he served were delicious.)
CHEERS to great moments in Republicans going to jail. Former Most-Powerful-Republican in office, aka Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert goes to jail today---or, more accurately, a medical prison in Rochester, Minnesota.
Hastert must surrender by 2 p.m. Wednesday for his conviction on federal bank violations stemming from a sensational hush-money case that unearthed decades-old sexual misconduct against minors.
With credit for good behavior, he could be in custody for about 12½ months. Once second in line to the presidency, Hastert will be known while confined only as federal inmate No. 47991-424.
Other notable inmates to serve time in Rochester include former Rep. Dan Rostenkowski, a Chicago Democrat, for mail fraud and Jim Bakker, the former television evangelist convicted of fraud and conspiracy. Jared Lee Loughner, the perpetrator of the 2011 Tucson, Ariz., shooting that killed six people and severely injured former U.S. Rep. Gabrielle Giffords, is assigned there.
It's a pathetic but fitting end to the legacy of a creepy human and marginal politician who never would’ve been speaker if that Republican Livingston guy hadn’t resigned due to an adultery scandal following the Speakership of serial adulterer Newt Gingrich. I think I’m starting to understand now why Mrs. Ryan makes her husband Paul wear a bear trap around his crotch.
JEERS to punishment via dumbstick. And then there's this little bit of scientific wankery, courtesy of the Catholic Church of yore. On June 22, 1633, Galileo Galilei was told that he had to "abjure, curse, and detest" his view that the earth revolved around the sun. Let's review the church's decree, shall we?
The proposition that the Sun is the center of the world and does not move from its place is absurd and false philosophically and formally heretical, because it is expressly contrary to Holy Scripture.
The proposition that the Earth is not the center of the world and immovable but that it moves, and also with a diurnal motion, is equally absurd and false philosophically and theologically considered at least erroneous in faith.
It took the Vatican over 350 years to admit their heads revolved around their asses. But they had a very good reason why: they were, like, busy with stuff.
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Ten years ago in C&J: June 22, 2006
JEERS to fiddling while the flag doesn't burn. Senator Diane Feinstein writes this bit of nonsense in a USA Today op-ed piece:
There is no idea or thought expressed by the burning of the American flag that cannot be expressed equally well in another manner. This Amendment would leave both the flag and free speech safe.
To which the editors counter:
If Congress banned something as pathetic as flag desecration to score political points, surely it would consider limiting other unpopular speech. The amendment's wording virtually guarantees that outcome. Would it, for instance, cover depictions of flags as well as actual cloth banners? Would sitting on a flag patch sewn onto the back of a pair of jeans count?
We called Senator Feinstein and she told us: "Only if you lighted a fart through it." Damn, they think of everything.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to a lifetime of teh funny. Hard to believe it was eight years ago when we got the news that George Carlin had died at 71. Seems appropriate to remember him with some of his zingers, of which this is, oh, maybe one-zillionth-of-one-percent of 'em:
I don’t believe in road rage; I prefer the gentle rebuke. If I don’t like the way someone is driving, I pull up alongside the other car and say, "I hope your children turn out poorly."
You know what would have been a smart thing to do in these developing countries that need electricity? To have tried large-scale experiments with alternative energy sources: solar, wind, geothermal, etc. We could have tested and tried to perfect these technologies on a large scale in places that need it. That would have been smart. That's why we didn’t do it.
People who see life as anything other than pure entertainment are missing the point.
When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not an agnostic. I'm an acrostic. I'm puzzled by the whole thing.
There's a message window that comes up on my computer screen whenever I type a command the computer doesn’t like. It says, "Fuck you, I don’t do that."
Oh, and it never hurts to revisit his decidedly un-work-friendly thoughts about those 7 famous words Like a vuvuzela blast into the ear of a Puritan.
Have a hearty humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Donald Trump Thanks America for Liking Hillary Clinton Better Than Bill in Portland Maine
---Wonkette
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