Donald Trump's latest fundraiser is ... baffling.
Friend,
You deserve one of these.
Donate $35 and I will send you your personalized Donald J. Trump Executive Membership Card.
Anyone who carries one of these Gold Executive Membership Cards is recognized by our campaign, and by me, as a true friend who is doing a lot to make sure we defeat Crooked Hillary.
That's right. For just $35 you can have an executive membership in Donald J. Trump. With this little plastic card:
• You'll be able to board Donald Trump early, and bring an extra bag for free.
• You'll be able to use the Donald Trump private airport lounge (Lounge may not exist. Lounge does not serve drinks. You must have a net worth of $1B to use the lounge.)
• Show the card at your local movie theater and get reserved, sit-anywhere-you-want seating.* (*Showing card may result in hostility from jealous theater staff.)
• If someone asks you if you are a white conservative American with anger issues, show them this card to provide instant proof.
• Not a credit card. Card is nonrefundable. Card is not real gold. Donald Trump does not sign cards himself. Card may contain location tracking device allowing Donald Trump or his staff to monitor your movements. Do not comment on size of card compared to other cards while card is in earshot.
And ... the Donald J. Trump Membership Card entitles you to zero interest on investments, because Donald Trump promises to have zero interest in you.
Why would anybody would want a little plastic faux credit card touting their "membership" in Donald J. Trump? Some things are best left unanswered.