So it seems there was an email recently soliciting those of us Kossacks who are LGBT to write our stories focusing on three things we wish straight people understood about coming out. I’ve posted my story here before (more than once) and I don’t want to be overly repetitious. On the other hand I have not posted a new piece here in quite some time.
I was born in 1951 so my own experience of coming out began in the 1970s (hence my title) though it continued for a good while after. The Stonewall Riots took place a month after my 18th birthday so my experience is also colored by having lived through the events and seeing how things changed because of them. At the time I did not know I was gay. I had no sexual experiences as a child; I was not well-informed about sexual matters. I was, in short, very naive. Somehow I found the news about the riots fascinating even though I wasn’t sure why. I returned to college for my sophomore year to discover that there were now gay groups on campus. This was interesting, I thought. Though I still wasn’t sure why. At the end of the year I began a relationship with a woman that lasted for several years. By the time it ended I was quite clear I that I was gay. She was the first person I confided in after finally confiding in myself in the middle of the first of my two senior years. I told my friends; I told my sister. I began pursuing relationships with men. But I didn’t come out to my parents until I was 34 years old. By that time my parents had figured it out and were basically waiting for me to confirm things. Of course I didn’t know that though I’d long suspected they knew. I came from a progressive, enlightened Jewish family. Why I thought I had anything to fear is something I long wondered about. In the end I think it had little to do with me being gay and a great deal to my generalized fear of self-disclosure. Coming out at work took even longer; it didn’t happen until the death of my partner in 1992. By that point it seemed pointless to try and simply decline to discuss my personal life. Particularly since I’d already been starting sentences with “Mario and I...”
Three things I would like my straight peers to understand? I actually think they understand a great deal. But if there are things I’m concerned about it’s these:
1. No matter how much openness we have in our society going forward, coming out will probably be something that most of those of us who are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender will need to go through. Parents don’t expect their children to be gay and therefore don’t raise them under that assumption. To be sure I have friends who say they knew they were gay when they were four or five years old and it may well be that that will become a more common experience. Still I suspect sexual orientation will still be something that most kids will be wrestling with during their teen years. And most will feel, at least for a time, like they are outsiders. Letting their friends know they’re gay will become part of learning who can and cannot be trusted. The only difference is that most people will come out, at least to themselves, before they are adults rather than after as I did.
2. If there’s anything heterosexuals may not understand (and I’m still guessing here) it is that coming out is something that happens continuously. Granted that most of my friends are also gay so when I meet someone new it’s more than likely that we’ll already know about each other. But in work or family situations that isn’t necessarily established and it’s likely that as one gets to know people it will be necessary to at least become straightforward when discussing relationship histories which it seems most people are at least somewhat curious about. The likelihood of a negative reaction is low these days but depending on emotional makeup and who one deals with and where one lives there is still a risk involved.
3. I can’t think of a third thing.