I know what it is like to have an empty fridge because you ate the pickles for vegetables and the jam when you were desperate for calories. To go into the kitchen hungry and fill yourself up with a glass of water. To not eat for a day or two because there just isn’t anything. To not care about expiration dates. To have an actually empty fridge— how easy to clean!! — and in the freezer nothing edible but ice cubes — which are nice and crunchy and also help to satisfy the urge to eat.
I know what it is like to look anorexic without even trying to. The only reason I survived a certain period was I dated a man who fed me on weekends (don’t get the wrong idea! That’s not why I dated him).
I know what it is to faint from hunger. To be unable to stand up due to dizziness.
I know what it is like to go with no hot water for several months because you can’t pay the electric and gas bill. It could have been far worse but the guy they sent to cut them both off gave me a break and only cut off the gas. Cold showers are not a very big deal and I don’t cook much on the stove or in the oven anyway.
I know what it is like not to be able to afford what you never thought of going without— soap, shampoo, dish detergent, paper towels, yes, even toilet paper.
I know what it is like to ask a neighbor who is a stranger for just a little bit of such an item.
I know what it is like to wash your clothes in cold water by hand with minimal soap. They don’t get very clean. I know what it is like to keep wearing the same clothes although they may be stained or ripped or it has simply just been too long, because how are you going to wash what is in the wash?
I know what it is like to pull all the animals into the one tiny bedroom and stay with them 24/7, hoping to heat them with your body heat. And of course to go without to make sure they get fed. To beg from friends just to feed the animals.
And oh God what it is like when an animal needs the vet and it is not possible.
I know what it is like to try to feed and take care of two adults, including one very hungry man, as well as try to pay for the expenses he still had from before he had a psychotic break, on $700 a month. Thank God we have free housing. We aren’t supposed to. If they knew, we would lose $200.
And of course what it is like to try to help a man having a psychotic break without money to pay a real hospital. Did you know that hospitals only treat emotions and not brains? Every time he came back worse because he had had 24/7 to ruminate with no therapy.
In fact, I know what it is like to lose said man to jail for almost a year, where 60% of the inmates are mentally ill, because it was impossible to get him treated before he did the stupid things we knew he would do.
I know what it is like to lose your cell phone and sometimes landline too; all contact with the outside world broken off. Let me say that is terrifying.
I know what it is like when there is no point in answering the phone because it is all demands for money: from collection agencies and utility companies and everything else one is supposed to pay for so things don’t get cut off. And it rings all day.
I also know
How this country viciously despises a poor person.
How we are not even mentioned in politicians speeches about reviving the middle class.
How cost of living stipend wages are considered expendable, as though it were a raise.
How people assume we are moochers; lazy; weak-willed; opportunists; parasites.
How we are used as examples of what is wrong in the country.
How politicians use us for political gain and people even support drug testing; limits on what items we may buy; and propose things like only allowing us to eat a few things such as rice and beans; and saying we ought to be arrested if we have a $20 bill in our pocket.
How people hate it if they perceive any happiness in our lives. We should not be able to buy our children toys. We should not be allowed to go to the movies. We should not be allowed contraception but of course we should not have babies either. In fact in the comments in a progressive news source I saw two people write that if we are having sex we must be getting too much money. We should have no recreation, no joy.
How the people who are supposed to help us do so as little as possible and with as much distaste and disgust as possible.
— Did you know that SSI and Medicaid standardly REFUSE EVERY first time application? How many poverty-stricken people will even know to try again?
I know how the workers who give us our food stamps or whatever other meagre benefits treat us like criminals. How they assume each one of us is a cheat and a fake. How they talk to us like they are superior in every way. How they act like the money is coming out of their own pockets
How systems are as inconvenient as possible because no one would ever bother to improve how the poor are treated.
How we are given appointments of 9 AM- all 300 of us— when we could have been staggered throughout the day rather than, some of us, waiting 8 hours to be distastefully rejected again.
How there are not enough chairs to sit in but we are not allowed to sit on the floor
How invasive the questions are about details of our lives that no one needs to know but us.
How workers in every part of the process take joy in humiliating and confusing us.
I know how humiliating it is when we try to pay for our groceries and there is some item that lawmakers have decided we do not deserve; having to be told that in the cash register line
I know humiliating how impossible it is to date because every man who finds out I am poor assumes I am a gold-digger
I also know
What it is like to have fallen into this position from a stellar academic career. What it is to lose everything.
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I also know that I am blessed. I am one of the luckiest people in the world.
I have a family who loves me. I have a circle of friends online, and a few ones IRL. I have my beautiful pets, acquired of course at a time when I could afford them. I have free housing. I am well educated though confused at times (my disability is a TBI from domestic abuse). I am attractive. I have the internet most of the time. I have a nice partner.
And if I were on the streets my family would take me in.
What more could I ask for? I am rich, by comparison with, what, 80% of the world?