You may have seen the image on the left circulating after Sam Kalidi posted it on Twitter. More recently, the “Forgiveness 2016” graphic on the right has been making the rounds on Facebook, and the response has been mixed.
Robbie Medwed wrote a takedown of the response graphic that is worth reading. I agree with his main points. There is an important semantic distinction that both he and the graphic get wrong, though, which is why I feel the need to chime in.
The response graphic with the rainbow person hugging the confederate flag person does not depict forgiveness; it depicts reconciliation. Forgiveness is when someone hurts me and I release my enmity toward them, no longer holding it against them. Reconciliation is when that person and I come together again to make amends and heal the relationship. Forgiveness is something one person does on their own, and it's always worth doing, because it's self-destructive to carry around pain and anger over the past. Reconciliation takes two (or more), so it's not something you can just choose on your own. Reconciliation requires the offender to own up to what they did, make amends, and change how they act in the future (i.e. repentance), or else it just becomes an opportunity for further abuse.
The response graphic is wrong because promoting reconciliation without conditions is unwise. Taking care of our own safety and mental health means taking the threat of mistreatment and abuse seriously. There are good reasons to distance ourselves from those who treat us hatefully.
It is also incredibly naive to presume that overtures of friendliness will change anything. If I walk up to someone shouting anti-gay slogans and give them a hug, does anyone really think they will drop their bigotry? Living well in spite of being mistreated is the best way we have to change hearts and minds, and sometimes it’s best to do that at a distance.
We queers should absolutely forgive those who harm us in our own hearts. We should release our pain and anger for our own sakes, and look on our oppressors with sadness instead of rage. We should let that forgiveness open us up to reconciliation with those who are truly willing to change how they treat us. We should also not entertain illusions about coming together with people who still actively work against us, speak cruelly about us, and even physically harm us. It is not up to us to heal these rifts by changing our ways; it is up to them.