I started writing this 3 months ago to be released at my 10 year anniversary in DKOS in October. After a week long of shock I decided to post this, not as a egotistical rant, but as an example of how we raise from horrible situation to become better and influence others.
After the Orlando incident...and reading the raw testimony of a fellow gay latino. I decided to open up a tad about my life como un Latino homosexual y Polical Junkie growing up in two different countries, and under various political circumstances. demócrata
Mis Padres
My Dad was the first to migrate to the US in the mid 60s, my mother followed as a good girfriend/novia from their days in Art School at La Escuela de Bellas Artes de La Universidad de Chile.
Dad, from a Nouveau Rich family running away after his dad died and he felt his future was somewhere else. She, with the abolengo (Last Names from "good"families"), but professional family, did what women did…. followed her husband to be. The settled in New Jersey, the overstayed their tourist visas and became undocumented workers. Dad working at Two Guys, mom as a babysitter.
Then I was born, in Newark at 10:45 PM December 16th. I was the first of everything; first grandkid, first nephew, and first born. Also, The first US citizen in the family.
Fast forward a few years, My mom's three sisters migrated…. one of them with husband; this pretty much made all of my mother's side of the family uprooted here. The reasons… well you red my parents, the rest...well let's say that that side of the family was center right and Chile had elected the first Marxist President, Salvador Allende. Also, thing were not going well for the government that Allende was trying to run, he made mistakes, the other parties made mistakes, union made mistakes… the country was a mess…. but I digress.
My Parents got their Green Card thanks to me… hence the main picture of the diary when my parents got their green cards and had to go back to Chile and re-enter. needless to say, I was in Santiago for the military coup d'etat of September 11, 1973 when Pinochet and La junta took over the government promising elections as soon as possible. Many may know the history, but this didn't happen until 16 years, thousands dead, thousands disappeared, civil liberties gone, and a new authoritarian constitution later. I'll come back to how this affected me as a gay man in a few paragraphs.
These "Green Card" events made my mother and I "lucky" to be in Santiago on September 11, 1973:
Needless to say, this event changed the course of history for a whole country, and in some sense… my sexuality.
We returned to the US next year and settled in Bloomfield, NJ… where I was raised until the age of seven, her younger sister lived across the street and my Godmother and her older sister a few towns away. Until homesickness and a bad marriage made my mother decide to return to Chile.
The Nomad
From then on I lived the gypsy life of the kid of separated parents, only internationally. Dad moved to LA, so up until 15 I was always the new kid, the "gringo" in Chile, and the "White Latino" in the States. This forced my mind to adapt fast, to br "Chandler"funny ( to be liked), and to overachieve to be liked and admired. My first political memory was the Carter win, very vague also the bicentennial.. that is a fog in my mind. In Chile mom worked 2-3 jobs to put us in private English schools because public schools in Chile ( maybe in most Latin America) is not at par with US Schools system. I was not going to lose my bilingual multicultural persona. Not if mi mamá had anything to do with it.
Political, Gay, and Pinochet
I lived the tail end of Pinochet's dictatorship in Santiago when I decided to settle in that country sophomore year. My first gay crush, my first female girlfriend, top of the class, class president, and popular. All this with a country almost 50-50% divided against or pro Pinochet. Even in my private school it was divided in the middle. Pro Pinochet students were sure we would fall into Communism and start eating "Chancho Chino" ( Spam), which was what we had to use during the last days of Allende's Presidency because of scarcity ( so my elders tell me).
I went to the protests and was sprayed with tear gas and sewer water by Los Carabineros.
We had curfews at midnight, and was arrested once for sitting next to my boyfriend in the park "suspicious behaviour".
Then Something beautiful happen, under the adversity and the cockyness of Pinochet thinking he the plebiscite in the bag (1988)…. One ad, one song, one moment All changed…
for more context the "Sí" was for Pinochet to stay, hence the "No"was the democracy campaign. No won, and I voted in my first election the next year. I think one of the issues that backfired for the Sí campaign is that Pinochet's 1980 Constitution made voting MANDATORY, you had to go to the police station with an excuse for not voting or face a judge/fee.
Yo can't imagine how this ad ( and there is a movie about it… check it out) changed everything… it clicked, it made sense. I put this here because last night when I saw SNL and saw "Hillary"singing… this came crashing into my melancholy and told me, levántate y contribuye.
Med School, Love, Coming Out
I finished High School, I applied to med school and law school second choice ( in Chile , like most countries you don't go to college , but with a test and grades you apply directly to your career of choice and are ranked nationally and get in) , I got in Medical School. During those years I saw democracy flourish, elections, free press, things we never new we missed. Also, I came to realize I was a gay man, I didn't come out, although I was sure my mom would accept me, but I knew she would blame herself and think she did not do a good job as a dingle mother. Also, we got the AIDS epidemic a few years behind. I did have my share of amazing BFs, ( sans first one who I found in bed with another),but we learn from all our falls. Having said that, living the double life was dragging me down ( in hindsight… I didn't pin point what it was back then) changing pronouns and making sure you had a "straight alibi"for all your activities. Until the first year of the new millenium…. internet was new, my brother had returned back to the states 8 years before and joined the Navy; I was just in my second year of practicing but I was in a dark place… during a late night chat with my brother, who was stationed in San Diego, he was telling me all his girlfriend problems…. when suddenly out of nowhere…. I typed "Do you know anything about my personal life" he dabbled a yes… until i told him ( with the fear of a Latino Navy guy reaction in the back of my head), I am gay. After a silence, he says "why the F did you not tell me before, all those years alone!!!, tell mom right now". Shock. That next wedensday while talking to my mamá about why I didn't go to the last single cousin's wedding from behind my subconscoious I only could say "Tu sabes que nunca me casaré y perdón porque nunca te daré nietos" ( You know I will never get married, and forgive me for I'm never giving you grandkids). Of course this is not true now, but that was burried deep inside. She laughed at me and said "I know, and I am to young to ever be a grandmother". The rest is history my WHOLE family has embraced me just as I am and include me in family life like any member.
Back To The US & Political Junkie
Even after the cathartic feeling of coming out, I felt alone and that my full self would never be in the socially conservative Chile, my Dad, who had not been a present figure up until then, contacted me and told me to come to the US. I had dual citizenship and had nothing to lose. So in 7 days I made the decision to move to LA with my Dad. December 2000. Yes, you know what was happening here then. Al v Gore. While I was looking on how to pursue my career in the US my political junkyness from my Pinochet years starting beating again. I got a Post Doctoral Fellowship at UC San Diego after Bush "won", and even though San Diego is a tad conservative in the context of SoCal, the academic environment was a panacea for me…. I knew of the Clintons in Chile , because we know about US politics in Latin America, but I was here when I heard that the former First Lady Hillary Clinton was elected to the Senate… my mutual virtual journey with her began. I suffered a similar despair after Kerry lost (not as shivering as last Tuesday), but I was introduced to then Senator Obama at the Convention, I said , he is going to be very important in the next years. I joined Dkos 2006 and was a lurker for many years, it was my morning place to go to drink my morning latte during my PostDoc. 2008 came and I was Hillary supporter, not because I disliked Obama, because I could identify with the geeky, fact full, pragmatic persona she was. Coming from Latin American politics I melded with someone who knew the difference of what can be done and what can be promised. I was here during the primary wars and I was here when Obama clinched the nomination and later Hillary endorsed him. President Obama proved me wrong, and I am glad he did… he became and is one of the greatest Presidents and Human of all times. He appointed Hillary a SoS and I was so overjoyed at a united party because there was so much to do. I longed for 6.5 years for her to decide to run again. She did. She won the nomination, and ran an amazing campaign. What I did not account for, was the same things that made me run from Chile and move to "modern, progressive USA" 16 years ago…. had been hiding and lingering in this country and just needed a cartoonish "you can't make this shit up"kind of candidate to bring out the worst in this country.
Hillary Didn't lose, Trump was ELECTED.
I spent a week avoiding all media, it is time to find that chant, slogan, person who will rise and bring with him/her the change that happened in Chile in 1988.
America, La Alegría Ya viene
Guillermo Andrés Sanz-Berney