Don’t ask me how I obtained this. Suffice it to say it was not Wikileaks.
The following is a verbatim transcript from a meeting yesterday in Trump’s office as Trump and his key advisers discussed possible Cabinet picks and other key appointments. In the room were Trump, Mike Pence, Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, Steve Bannon, Reince Priebus, Rudy Giuliani, Trump’s daughter, Ivanka, his sons, Eric and Donald, Jr., Kellyanne Conway, General Michael Flynn (Ret.) and a number of surprise visitors who make cameos throughout the transcript. This transcript is unedited and unaltered. This is Part 1 of a number of parts which will be published at a later date.
TRUMP: We gotta find a place for Scott Baio. He was with me all the way. We didn’t get much out of the asshole Hollywood liberal crowd.
PRIEBUS: Maybe some kind of ambassadorship.
TRUMP: No! I mean a real government position! Secretary of the Treasury or something!
PRIEBUS: I don’t think that’s really—
BANNON: Shut up, Rinse.
PRIEBUS: Yes sir.
BANNON: President Trump, how about something to do with NATO? He’s Italian. That’s in Europe.
TRUMP: Yeah, good idea, Steve. You always have good ideas. Priebus, not so much. Priebus, what kind of position can we give him with NATO? All Scott would have to do is disband the goddamned thing.
FLYNN: Fuck NATO, fuck the Krauts and fuck the goddamned French!
GIULIANI: But don’t fuck the Italians, heh-heh!
TRUMP: Rudy, you and Priebus figure something out for Baio. Something big. He says nice things about me.
GIULIANI: As long as it’s not Secretary of State. I can’t wait to confront that little prick from Canada, Garry Trudeau. I hate his fucking cartoon.
PRIEBUS: That’s Justin Trudeau. He’s not a cartoonist.
BANNON: Shut the fuck up, Rinsy. Don’t speak unless you’re spoken to.
PRIEBUS: Yes sir. Sorry sir.
BANNON: What kind of name is Priebus, anyway? Sounds like a fucking disease. “I got a bad case of Priebus.” “Here’s some lotion that will clear that up.”
[ROOM ERUPTS WITH LAUGHTER]
GIULIANI: I gotta’ put some of that salve on my dick! I picked up a bad case of Priebus on that last trip to Puerto Rico!
IVANKA: Daddy, this is entirely inappropriate.
CONWAY: Locker room talk, Ivanka. All men talk like this.
KUSHNER: Not me, honey.
DONALD, JR: You are such a pussy, Jared. I can never figure out why my sister married a Jew.
TRUMP: Everyone knock it off! We have work to do! Okay, so what about the Noog?
BANNON: Head of the ATF?
PRIEBUS: The Noog? Who?
BANNON: Ted fucking Nugent, Rinse Your Shorts! I thought I told you to shut up?
PRIEBUS: Yes sir. Sorry sir.
TRUMP: Pencil him in. I love that guy.
ERIC: Yeah, dad, I can see him standing up and grabbing his package when he’s called to testify before Congress! “I got yer congressional subpoena right here!”
GIULIANI: Awesome. Which reminds me, what about Attorney General?
TRUMP: That doesn’t have to be a real general, right?
PRIEBUS: The Attorney General is head of the Just—
BANNON: Jesus Christ, Rinse My Balls, how many times do I have to tell you?
PRIEBUS: Sorry sir. I just thought I should expl—
BANNON: You don’t think, got that? You do. That’s it. Now shut up.
IVANKA: Can you guys quit talking about male genitalia, please?
CONWAY: Believe me, you don’t want them talking about female genitalia!
[ROOM ERUPTS WITH LAUGHTER]
FLYNN: The French are such female genitalia!
BANNON: Jesus, Flynn, you really are off your rocker.
FLYNN: Why aren’t we bombing the hell out of Muslims?!
TRUMP: We’ll get there, Mike, we’ll get there.
[TRUMP’S INTERCOM SQUAWKS]
INTERCOM: Kris Kobach here to see you, Mister President.
TRUMP: Speaking of Muslims… Send him in!
[DOOR OPENING]
BANNON: Welcome, freund!
KOBACH: Heil, Steve! Update on rounding up the Muslims…
DONALD, JR: Can’t wait!
KOBACH: How about this… Remember when we were telling our people through Fox, Breitbart, Infowars and other outlets that Obama was building secret detention camps for gun owners and Tea Party members?
GIULIANI: I like where you’re headed.
KOBACH: Well, we tell America that we’re repurposing those secret camps to hold Muslims! Then, we secretly go out and build those camps!
GIULIANI: Brilliant! Hey, can I get a piece of those construction contracts?
TRUMP: Rudy, the answer is no. This is a Trump project. I have the company in a blind trust run by Ivanka. We will build magnificent camps. Barbed wire, pre-fab huts, the latest surveillance gear, brutal Trump guards. This is going to be epic.
IVANKA: I like it, daddy. Can I design special jumpsuits for the prisoners?
TRUMP: Of course, honey.
TRUMP & IVANKA: Made in China!
[ROOM ERUPTS IN LAUGHTER]
PRIEBUS: Why not make them in the U.S.?
[ROOM GOES EERILY QUIET]
BANNON: Rinse and Repeat.
PRIEBUS: I—
BANNON: Eric, get me the paddle. Drop trou, Rancid.
PENCE: Good golly, couldn’t we all be just a bit more civil to—
BANNON: Shut up, you loony tunes religious hayseed.
ERIC: Can I do it this time, Steve? Please? Pretty please?
BANNON: No. I have a better idea, Eric. Mike?
FLYNN: Yes?
BANNON: Did you know that “Priebus” is French for “American military cowardice?”
FLYNN: What?! Why, you…
[SLAPPING SOUNDS AND HOWLS ENSUE]