The Reich has released a transcript of Chancellor Hitler’s congratulatory call to Donald Trump last week. What follows is a complete, unedited transcript of the call.
TRUMP: Hello? Is this Chancellor Hitler?
HITLER: Call me Dolph.
TRUMP: Terrific, Dolph, though I may prefer to call you The Fuhrer.
[Both men laugh.]
TRUMP: Thank you so much for the call, Fuhrer.
HITLER: May I call you Donald?
TRUMP: Sure!
HITLER: I want to congratulate you on your victory, especially since you are a good German.
TRUMP: I am! My grandfather, Friedrich Trump, was born and raised in the Fatherland. Terrific, terrific guy. Very smart, very good looking, obviously part of the Master Race.
HITLER: That’s why you won. And you are a proud descendant.
TRUMP: I am, I am. Proud to be German and very impressed with what you’ve been able to accomplish over there, as well. You have a fantastic reputation for getting things done. Something to be proud of, Fuhrer.
HITLER: Thank you, Donald. Now that we have another good German in charge of a major nation, I am sure we can work together to accomplish much and continue to spread the Master Race.
TRUMP: I have big plans, Fuhrer. Big, big plans.
HITLER: I have noted your emulation of my work in Germany, Donald. The wall, the banning of Muslim immigrants, the registering of Muslims…
TRUMP: Thank you for that, Fuhrer. Believe me, I understand the whole purity argument. We need to be more pure than we’ve been. I think you’ll notice that my own children are very much Master Race material.
HITLER: Have you considered growing a small, well-trimmed mustache? I think it would be becoming on you and the boys.
TRUMP: I’m not one for facial hair. I could see Don Junior with that ‘stache, big time. Eric has a hard time growing any facial hair at all.
HITLER: I would take Donald Junior’s mustache as a special honor and tribute.
TRUMP: Terrific, Dolph. I’ll get him started.
HITLER: About your son-in-law…
TRUMP: Who, him? He means nothing to me. Nothing!
HITLER: Good.
TRUMP: The German people are a very smart people, Fuhrer. My uncle, John Trump, was a professor at MIT. Brilliant, brilliant guy. You would have loved him. Taught me so much about science. He invented radiation.
HITLER: Invented radiation?
TRUMP: Yeah. At MIT. He invented radiation.
HITLER: Nein.
TRUMP: Nine what?
HITLER: Nein. That means no.
TRUMP: I have to learn some German. I am thinking of buying some of those tapes I can play when I’m in the limo, the chopper or on that piece of crap, Air Force One.
HITLER: Learn the language of the Master Race from the Master, himself, Donald. Watch some of my rallies.
TRUMP: I have and will, Fuhrer! I have my own speaking style, too. It’s really the best. It’s terrific. Draws fantastically huge crowds. I’d like to do some of those massive stadium speeches like you’ve done. The one’s documented by your gal.
HITLER: Leni Riefenstahl.
TRUMP: Yeah, that’s her. Riefenstahl. She reminds me of my own guy, Steve Bannon. He’s like that. He makes documentaries. Excellent guy.
HITLER: Use him, Donald. He knows the superiority of our race.
TRUMP: Absolutely. We need that kind of leadership. I’m the only one who can bring it to our nation now, just like you’re the only one who can restore Germany to its full glory.
HITLER: We must vanquish our enemies and cleanse our nations!
TRUMP: Heil!
HITLER: You do know a little German!
[Both men laugh.]
TRUMP: Just a note, my daughter Ivanka — really, really bright, attractive girl, super smart, will be running my businesses while I’m president, in case anyone is listening — she loves what you’ve done with the SS uniforms.
HITLER: Tell her danke.
TRUMP: No, Ivanka.
HITLER: Danke means thank you.
TRUMP: I knew that. Anyway, Ivanka says what you’ve done with the lightning bolt insignias on the collars is very, very sharp. Very classy.
HITLER: Yes, I designed those myself. I have an artsy side.
TRUMP: I’m starting a group like that. They’ll answer only to me. Wait until you see the uniforms: Lots of gold. Gold braids, gold insignias, gold stars… It will be so classy, your head will spin.
HITLER: Very good, Donald! Congratulations again!
TRUMP: Thank you, Fuhrer. You’re a terrific guy. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help you restore Germany.
HITLER: Yes, I will. Follow my example and you’ll do well for yourself.
TRUMP: That’s the plan. If you ever get across the pond, give me a call.
HITLER: You’ll know I’m in town when you hear goose-stepping out the Oval Office window.
TRUMP: Looking forward to it!
HITLER: Auf Wiedersehen.
TRUMP: Who?
HITLER: Dummkopf.
TRUMP: My hair? Who’s does my coiffure?
HITLER: Nein.
TRUMP: Eight.
HITLER: Excuse me?
TRUMP: Oh, I thought we were counting down before we hang up. You hang up first.
HITLER: Schwachkopf...
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