From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
The Bill 'O Rights Top Ten Countdown
225 years ago, on December 15, 1791, the Bill of Rights was ratified. Let's take a moment for our annual review of The Precious:
I You can say anything you want except "Fire!" falsely in a crowded theater or "Donald Trump has a mandate" seriously in a crowded room of people with functioning brains; You can peaceably assemble in public spaces to call out the government when it's acting badly, but we reserve the right to pepper-spray you in the face, zip-tie your hands behind your back and haul your ass off to jail if we feel like it; The press has the freedom to treat the statements and policies of the left and the right as equally valid because we know you gotta sell papers and achieve your daily clickbait goals. Bonus right: The United States is technically neutral on religion, except for prayers in Congress, and invocations at inaugurations, and language in proclamations, and at the end of political speeches, and during the Pledge of Allegiance, and in assorted draft legislation, and on your money, and...oh, never mind.
II This amendment is the reason why this document is shielded by six-inch-thick glass.
III You don’t have to let soldiers in your house. But police dressed like Seal Team Six can drive up in a surplus tank and bust down your door any old time.
IV Prohibits unreasonable searches and seizures of your person, house, papers, and effects without a warrant. However, if one or more agents of the government slips on a banana peel and accidentally searches and seizes everything in sight to keep from falling down, well, c'mon, give 'em a break.
V The amendment to invoke when your lawyer knows you're in deep doo-doo. In murder cases this is known as the deadly doo right.
VI You have a right to a trial by a jury of your peers. Also called the Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid amendment.
VII You have the the right to punch anyone in the face who blurts out a spoiler from a Star Wars movie you haven’t seen yet.
VIII Whoever authorizes the use of cruel or unusual punishment---like, say, waterboarding---is going straight to H-E-double-toothpicks.
IX You have a lot more rights than these ten, but Jefferson lost the master list and we're kinda scrambling here at the last minute. So sue us. No, seriously. Sue us.
X States don’t gotta do nuthin' if they don't wanna, and if you don’t agree then we're gonna secede. Also known as the Sore Loser amendment and the official motto of Texas.
If you want to see the Bill of Rights in person, it's currently being used as a doormat in front of Trump Tower.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, December 15, 2016
Note: I wanted to give you all a car for the holidays, but since I can't be everywhere at once, just pick out one you see parked on the street and take it. We recommend you do this late at night when there are fewer distractions. Do it very quietly so you don’t wake people up, and to make it feel like it's yours change those license plates immediately. Happy holidays from C&J!
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the first night of Hanukkah: 9
Days 'til the San Francisco Tape Music Festival: 22
Percent of high school seniors who smoked at least half a pack of cigarettes per day in 1991 and 2016, respectively, according to the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research: 11%, 1.8%
e-cigarette use among H.S. seniors last year and this year, respectively: 16%, 12%
Percent of H.S. seniors who said they've been drunk at least once in 2001 and this year, respectively: 53%, 37%
Sales of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child so far this year, according to FiveThirtyEight: 4.2 million
Number of Beatles who never wrote or recorded a song specifically about Christmas: 1 (George Harrison)
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
We live in a great nation---among the Christmas catalogs is one especially for dog owners, full of dandy things you can get for Bowser and Fido.
I was perusing the item about the "Gourmet Bone Basket"---"He'll jump for joy when he sees this handwoven, bone-shaped basket brimming with over two pounds of the most popular dog treats"---when what to my wondering eyes should appear but the item immediately underneath the Christmas gift basket for your dog. "Hanukkah Bowl With Treats," in case your dog is Jewish.
"Say Mazel Tov to the dog in your life! Elegant, silver-plated 8-inch bowl is filled with hand-decorated, all natural peanut butter treats: six Star of David cookies and a Menorah bone, plus a furry ball squeak toy." Now that I think of it, the poodle has shown distinct symptoms of being Jewish for years: She's incredibly smart, has a mordant sense of humor and loves bagels.
---December 1998
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Puppy Pic of the Day: The dogs of Star Wars
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CHEERS to sticking a science-based finger in the God Squad's eye. Not that this will deter the government from its ongoing effort to annex every woman's vagina through eminent domain, but it's still another bit of inconvenient truth from the real world:
[A] new study from the University of California at San Francisco, which found that women who underwent an abortion were at less risk of adverse mental health effects (such as depression, anxiety, and dissatisfaction of life) than those who were denied an abortion because their pregnancy was further along than the facility’s gestational limit.
The study’s conclusion defies the argument of many abortion protesters---that women who undergo the procedure experience long-term psychological trauma.
The lead author of the study, Antonia Biggs, told Yahoo News that the findings add to a growing body of research that indicates abortion does not lead to negative mental health outcomes for women. “These data indicate that women should be trusted to make their own decisions regarding their reproductive lives,” said Biggs.
Always worth repeating: conservatives are big fans of smaller government. Except when they don’t.
JEERS to another day ending in "why?" Here's the latest update on the chaotic situation in Aleppo. The truce deal that was on again then off again then on again then off again then on again then off again then on again then off again…is now on again unless it’s off again. We hope this clears up any confusion.
JEERS to H2Omygod. Gee, I just don’t understand why those North Dakota Sioux reservation protesters are all up in arms just because an oil company wants to sink a pipeline through their land (including burial grounds) and under a major source of their water. It's so silly. The company assures us that the pipeline is completely safe, there's no danger to the water supply, companies that do these projects are completely responsible, the monitoring equipment they use is fail-proof and… Excuse me, I've just been handed a bulletin:
Electronic monitoring equipment failed to detect a pipeline rupture that spewed more than 176,000 gallons of crude oil into a North Dakota creek, the pipeline's operator said Monday.
It's not yet clear why the monitoring equipment didn't detect the leak, Wendy Owen, a spokeswoman for Casper, Wyoming-based True Cos., which operates the Belle Fourche Pipeline, said. […]
"It's going to take some time," [North Dakota Health Department scientist Bill] Suess said of the cleanup. "Obviously there will be some component of the cleanup that will go toward spring."
Federal pipeline safety regulators initiated 19 enforcement activities against the three True pipeline companies since 2004.
So anyway, as I was saying: nothing to see here, please move along.
JEERS to running out of time. Just a little reminder that if you have a flexible spending account as part of your health insurance plan, it's likely that you'll lose whatever money you have socked away if you don’t spend it within the next 16 days. Some things that are usually eligible: birth control, smoking cessation, cold remedies (NyQuil: humankind's greatest gift to itself), contact lens solution...stuff like that. But if your remaining balance is sizable enough, we'd advise you to buy something that'll deliver the most bang for your pre-tax buck: senators.
P.S. Today is the last day to enroll in a new 2017 Obamacare health plan in time to start coverage on January 1st. I stayed with the basic silver plan I have now, and after consulting with my death panel I decided to add the hospice-care male stripper option. It costs a few bucks extra, but I get to pay by slipping dollar bills into their g-strings. What a way to go!
CHEERS to do-overs. Speaking of deadlines, if you or someone you know is thinking of going to Netroots Nation but you haven't registered yet, Mary Rickles has some good news about saving yourself some smackeroonies:
For a limited time, we're rolling back our rate to attend Netroots Nation 2017 in Atlanta.
Our 2017 conference is August 10–13 at the Hyatt Regency Hotel in Atlanta. If you've been to Netroots Nation before, you know what a rich experience it is, complete with 40+ hands-on trainings and numerous opportunities to connect with allies from across the country.
This year's conference is more important than ever. We need space to strategize about how to fight back against a Trump administration, but we also need time to be inspired, to think big-picture and long-term, and to love and support one another.
The NN17 discount ends tonight at midnight Pacific time. Click here to reserve your spot. And then think about what you'll do with the 50 bucks you're saving. I'm splitting mine between a down-payment on world peace and accordion lessons.
CHEERS to 52 years of proudly waving, eh. On December 15, 1964, "after six months of debate and 308 speeches, passed by a majority vote in the House of Commons," Canada adopted the maple leaf flag:
We're not sure what the proper gift is for a flag on its birthday, so we defaulted to the usual: a pair of socks.
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Ten years ago in C&J: December 15, 2006
JEERS to passing the buck. President Bush said these words about historians of the future as they assess Iraq: "I'll be dead when they get it right." Pretzel, sir?
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And just one more…
CHEERS to an interesting wobble in the consistency of "Kossack Time." Yesterday's C&J poll asked, "At what speed does it seem 2016 has gone for you?" It was an encore of a question we asked in 2006 and again in 2012, 2013, 2014 and 2015. Here's the year-by-year breakout for comparison:
Fast: 80%, 79%, 82%, 78%, 80%, 56%
Normal: 9%, 11%, 11%, 13%, 15%, 13%
Slow: 8%, 7%, 5%, 6%, 6%, 32%
Quite a difference this year. Seems to me it could be one of two things: either the endless onslaught of horrible news made time seem to go a lot slower, or a lot more of us spent time at the DMV.
Have a tick-tocky Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"I am begging you, in the name of Obi Wan Kenobi's shimmering ghost, just shut up and let me enjoy Cheers and Jeers."
---Stephen Colbert
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