So today (well actually last Wednesday, when I first drafted this) my fiancee and I (to be fair, we’ve be co-owners of a home for 11 years since we never thought it would be legal anywhere, much less in Virginia, much less prior to retirement) went to the clerk of the court and got a marriage license.
To be fair, the motivation is a little less than romantic. We are fortunate enough economically to be in a position to choose to change jobs, and my fiancee has chosen to do so. The change will leave a lapse in insurance. I am fortunate enough to have an employer who still offers retirement health coverage to employees and spouses, but the plan requires five years of enrollment of the employee and spouse prior to retirement to carry insurance into retirement. SInce that is hopefully 6-10 years away, we are making the move now, so that when we are financially able, we can make the leap.
Being in my late 40’s, I’m in an odd position when it comes to marriage. My generation turned out in force at the 1993 March on Washington (One Million Strong!) and thought ENDA would pass LONG before marriage. I never in a million years imagined that I would be able to obtain a marriage license to marry the man of my dreams. When we bought our house, I felt that was the epitome of our commitment, especially since, when we adopted our son, you had to be a married couple in VA to adopt together, and we were not allowed to do that, so it’s just me on the birth certificate.
So I have to admit, I’m kinda oddly lukewarm about the whole wedding thing. Some friends are gearing up for a big deal ceremony and all, and are upset that I’m kinda blase about it. To me, though, the big deal is done. We adopted a kid together who is halfway through high school now — we’ve raised him for more than 8 years and have a wonderful, decent, well-adjusted human being (some of that because of and some of that in spite of us). We bought an expensive house together, and we plan to retire in a nice coastal community together, provided that the current asterisk administration doesn’t completely crash the economy and ruin the American Dream.
Heterosexual friends grew up thinking about the person they would marry with big dreams of the big day. I grew up thinking it was unlikely or impossible to marry the person I loved, and therefore have no expectation of the big day. I’m actually finding that I feel awkward and sad about that, and wish I was more romantically enthused about it all. Because I never dreamed about what it would be, I don’t know what to do with the actual event, which events have forced to happen now. Those heterosexual friends don’t understand this feeling of anti-climactic-ness or been-there-done-that, because what does it mean when you achieved everything you ever thought you would? I admit to being highly privileged in life- we worry for nothing material or any of the essentials — and we’ve been able to navigate and pay for the legalese to manage the contractual parts of marriage….
Maybe I’m crazy and I need to be celebrating with all I have. Maybe it’s the malaise of knowing that the world has gone insane, and this right could be taken away and we could lose everything in a heartbeat in this unpredictable 2017 craziness. Maybe I need to practice more gratitude and get a better attitude.
I’m sorry this is very stream-of-consciousness. I’ve been trying to wrap my mind around this for a while, and I’m still sorting it out. Writing about it helps sort out my thoughts.