This is a very personal diary, and anyone is excused from skipping it for that reason. Mostly I need to see if I can put together more than two sentences in a row, but I hope I can warn other men about something I’m experiencing right now. I’ll try to throw in a couple of political references to make it appropriate for DKos.
The three or four people who read what I write here and my 8 followers might be wondering why my output has trickled to almost nothing in the last month. The fact is that I have lost most of my interest in expressing my opinions or in the political struggle. I’ve also hit a writer’s block the size of Trump’s proposed wall. Even writing a short comment has been a struggle.I’ve been feeling as if none of this is worth it, as if every battle is lost before it starts.
I thought that this feeling was tied to the fight over the GOP’s assault on us all, especially the health care fiasco. But yesterday we won a huge victory, and I don’t feel any different.
I guess most of you reading this can see where this is headed.
Yesterday I found myself wondering if I could figure out a way to off myself and make it look accidental so that my wife could collect the life insurance. This feeling hasn’t gone beyond the “what if” stage, but it was at that point that I realized that I was experiencing six of the nine symptoms outlined in that graphic to the right (or wherever it ends up).
For the last month I’ve been trying to fake my way through this. I’ve reminded myself that I am in a great relationship with my beautiful partner and best friend; we are more financially secure than we have been in years; her mental and physical health has been markedly improving, which is the best thing that could happen; and yesterday we all succeeded in the complete defeat and humiliation of Donald Trump and Paul Ryan. I have, I’ve been telling myself, no reason to feel anything but happy.
Besides, I can’t give in to this weakness, because I’m a man. I take care of others, they don’t need to take care of me. As a man, all I need to do is will myself to deal with this and carry on. Or at least put on a good enough front that no one else knows I have a problem, and carry on with my responsibilities as a man.
And there it is. In spite of my best efforts, the sexism of my upbringing and my culture continues to crop up when I’m not watching for it.
So on top of everything else I get to confront my failure to even notice my latent sexism, let alone deal with it.
I have been very public about my belief that mental illness should be viewed as no more shameful than any other health issue. I have often told people, including here on DKos, that when one has a health issue, one should seek professional help, that pretending everything is OK is foolish and potentially fatal.
All the while, I was acting on the belief that that advice applied to everyone but me, because I’m a man, because a man deals with it and carries on.
The shame here is not in being apparently sick, but in the hypocrisy of refusing to take my own advice out of a misguided belief that it is inconsistent with being a strong man.
The truth is that I am currently unable to function as a man, or as a person, in my current state. To continue on this way out of a stupid idea of what it is to be a man is a disservice to those who depend on me, and to myself.
So today I placed a call to a local mental health hotline. I have an appointment with a counselor, and I’m going to deal with this and get back on track. This diary is the first step in doing that. I feel very uncomfortable posting it, and expect to feel uncomfortable in the days ahead. Perhaps the most uncomfortable part will be dealing with this distorted concept of manhood I seem to still have.
So if you’re a man reading this, I would say you should not ignore your serious health issues, and that includes mental health issues. To ignore your mental health issues out of a misconception that they are a sign of weakness, and that no man is ever weak, is itself a sign of weakness. To cover it up in an attempt to fulfill your responsibilities makes as much sense as ignoring a broken leg so you can run a marathon.
Women have traditionally been much more capable of facing these issues than men. As with so many other things, we men would be well advised to try to be more like women. Our sexist beliefs about ourselves are as crippling as any illness.
Anyway, that’s my story right now. I expect to be back to writing as soon as possible. We’ve all still got a lot of work to do in resisting the Trump regime, and I will be back in the game as quickly as I can. This diary took most of last night and this morning to write. That’s not good enough. With help, I will do better. I don’t want to end up like this guy.
Sunday, Mar 26, 2017 · 1:27:14 AM +00:00
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oldhippiedude
I just wanted to add a little update to say a big thanks for all the supportive comments. Anyone experiencing anything close to what I am should read each and every one of them. Some of them have great explanations of what depression is and how medication works.
I think the worst thing about my own denial is that I am very well aware of how mental illness works and what treatment can do. I am a caregiver for a person with bipolar disorder, and I see now that I had a feeling of being superior to that person because of their illness and my relative health. Well, look at me now. Karma is real , and “it can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop...”
Thank you all for making this diary not just cathartic, but an actual first step toward better health.