By now, you’ve probably heard that Mike Pence will not eat alone with a woman unless his wife is present. But has anyone asked a woman if she wants to dine alone with Mike Pence? Well, I’m a woman, and I won’t dine alone with Mike Pence. Here’s why:
1. Ick.
2. I hate vomiting in public.
3. He will want to control what I eat, where I sit, and other things I do with my body.
4. His inability to control his lust will be matched by my inability to control my impulse to punch him in the face.
5. His insistence on taking away my healthcare makes me lose my appetite.
6. The only conversion I am willing to discuss is imperial to metric.
7. The mandatory check of my biological sex before I use the women’s bathroom.
8. He may not have washed his hands after shaking hands with the groper in chief.
9. My hot flashes are worsening as a result of his climate change denial.
10. I don’t want anyone except my daughter calling me “Mother.”
See more from You Mom — The Aussie-American War: Letters from the Front (originally published in The National Lampoon)
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